Bad/stupid jokes

[cheetah]

My dog has no nose...

Ok, really.

A rich lord is in his mansion having a bath. He calls his butler, whose name is Wibble.

"Wibble, fetch me a towel."

"Yes, sir."

"Oh, and fetch me some soap."

"At once, sir."

Just as he leaves, the lord farts in the bath. When his butler comes back with the things, he asks his employer, "Sir, I've put the towel on the rack, and the soap in its dish. But where do I put the hot water bottle?"

"What? I never asked for a water bottle?"

"But I'm sure as you walked out, you said 'WhatAboutAWaterBottleWibble?'"

You get it?

...it's one of those things that sucks when you read it, right? XD

[Chanel_no5]

A rich lord is in his mansion having a bath. He calls his butler, whose name is Wibble.

"Wibble, fetch me a towel."

"Yes, sir."

"Oh, and fetch me some soap."

"At once, sir."

Just as he leaves, the lord farts in the bath. When his butler comes back with the things, he asks his employer, "Sir, I've put the towel on the rack, and the soap in its dish. But where do I put the hot water bottle?"

"What? I never asked for a water bottle?"

"But I'm sure as you walked out, you said 'WhatAboutAWaterBottleWibble?'"

You get it?

...it's one of those things that sucks when you read it, right? XD

Oh my God I never heard that one before, it's hilarious!!! Oh shit I can't stop laughing!!

ETA: it's been almost an hour since I read it, and I still burst out laughing whenever I come to think about it.

[zneeze]

Just found a few of these:

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner (or minor - music joke).

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

Two peanuts were walking down the street. And one was assaulted. [peanut]

[Marshmallow Peep]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the side he was on had a KFC!

There are two muffins in the oven, the first muffin says "Hey, what's up?" then the second one says "Oh my God! A talking muffin!"

Those are the only ones I know... I'm not very good with jokes, even bad ones.

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

Saw a t-shirt with a picture of Jesus wearing a dress, underneath it said, "Auntie Christ"

I'm gonna burn in hell, ain't I?

[Joal 555]

My favourite Tommy Cooper joke.......

"I couldn't find the M6, so I drove down the M3 twice"

[Chanel_no5]

My favourite Tommy Cooper joke.......

"I couldn't find the M6, so I drove down the M3 twice"

Naaah, his best (or worst) joke is:

"The time is 1940. Or twenty to eight".

[walrus]

Q: What kind of cheese does Jesus like best?

A: The holy type!

[cuneas]

Got a new contrubution to the thread...a little off-color, but not too shocking,

Why is a bordello like a garden shed?

Because it's full of hoes and rakes.

...Did anybody actually get that?

[cuneas]

Here's another:

There once was a girl whose mother was Mexican and whose father was Irish (and NO, this is not an ethnic joke, it's a linguistic pun). Her parents named her Carmen Cohan. But her Mexican mother always called her Carmen, while her Irish father always addressed her as Cohan. And by the time she was twelve years old, she didn't know if she was Carmen or Cohan!

Why are children like flannel? Because they shrink from washing!

Did you hear about the herd of cattle they sent up in a space satellite? It was the herd shot round the world!

My Friend: I proposed to twenty men without avail.

Me: Have you tried it wearing a veil?

An Irish literature professor sank into a deep depression after reading too many mediocre new novelists. His friend told him, "You would feel so much better if you'd just read Joyce and Synge!"

Here's one from the broadway musical "Sugar Babies":

The general gestured to me and asked, "Is that Hortense?" And the Duke replied, "She seems pretty relaxed to me."

Here's a real complex one:

A man named Joseph is currently wanted for looting in the Israeli port city of Haifa. He was born in Barcelona to a German father and a lapsed nun. He is an accomplished flautist and has worked at times as a farmer.

In other words, he is a Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.

If anyone gets that I'll just check outside my window for the Second Coming.

[RoyalFlush]

...Chicken Butt.....

-----------(Yeah...heard that one everywhere.)------------------------

This is a one-liner you have to tell to a friend. A half-stranger wouldn't appreciate it.

"One day, a man walked into a bar," *slap your friend's head with your palm* "Ouch"

Yeah I heard one like that but different.:::

2 men walked into a bar....the third one ducked. ....

----------

"What do you get when you cross an elepahnt, a cat, a seahorse, and a bi-polar gorrilla?"

"I don't know...what?"

"Jesus in another AA meeting."

-----

How many people does it take to screew in a light bulb?

None...it takes hands.

-----Omg that sucked.----

Why do dogs 'bark' when they're stuck?

Cause the can't leaf.

-------------- ------------------

Soilder A: "Do you have any general sense at all?"

Soilder : "OMG...you can tell when he's coming too?"

--------------------------------------------

What do you call a dumb cow: ...Utterly stupid.

---------------------------------------------

This one I heard from Jonny Depp on TV:

So a skelten walks into a bar...and asks for a beer...and a mop.

--------------------->.<----------------------------------

This one is really funny I heard on TV

Two guys are walking down the street. The both see a dog licking himself. One guy says " Man I wish I could do that...."

other guy says " I think you should pet him first."

---------------------------LOL-----------------------------------

Another one from TV(same show! as above!):

So there is this priate walking down the street with a steering wheel on his pants.

I go up and ask him? "What's the steering wheel for?"

And he said " Arrrg it drives me nuts!"

-------------------------LOL get it.----------------------

This one I heard from that movie... Pulp Fiction:

So three tomato's are walking down the street. A daddy tomato, a mommy tomato ...and a baby tomato.

The dad is walking really fast and gets a head of everyone...while the baby is straggling behind.

Well eventually the Dad gets mad and goes back and squashes the baby...saying "Ketcup!"

----------------------------------------------------------

How does a sneezing Pikachu sound.

Pica...a..a...aCHOOO.

(That one's so stupid. )

-------------Or...just... Pic-ACHOO....--------------------------------------------

(If I didn't say where it came from or that I heard it...then...regretfully I made it up. I'm a very corny person...I guess that's why my feet always hurt.... ...no...I'll shut up now.)

[Chanel_no5]

"Why do you keep telling people that I'm an idiot?!"

"Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!"

What do you get if you put an elephant on a slice of bread?

A sandwich you can't lift up.

How many letters are in the alphabet?

24, because E T went home.

What is yellow and dangerous?

Vanilla cream with sharks.

This one I heard on a TV show, shortly after that TV speech where Palin had been writing notes on her hand:

"Unfortunately, the Governor was unable to respond to the criticism because she was wearing gloves".

"I used to wear a flower on my lapel, but I had to stop that".

"Why?"

"Because the pot was bouncing back at my stomach when I walked"

During which month are most babies born?

The ninth.

[JenJen]

This one's a little blue, but it's one of my favorites because my dad told it to me when I was 10/11 (much to the chagrin of my mom). XD

Two men were camping out in the old west when one of them had to go pee. He walked off into the bushes and started to go, but suddenly a venomous snake leapt up and bit him right on the penis. Screaming, the man ran back to his friend. "A snake bit my penis! Go get a doctor, hurry!"

So the friend got on his horse and rode all the way into town to the doctor's office. "Doctor, my buddy got bit by a snake!" he cried. "What do I do?"

"Well," said the doctor, "you'll need to suck the venom from the affected area."

Without another word, he rode back to the injured man, who asked weakly, "W-what did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die."

(ETA: Where does a horse live? In a neigh-borhood.)

[Chanel_no5]

(ETA: Where does a horse live? In a neigh-borhood.)

Oh my God, I LOVE IT!!!

[SomethingClever]

why did the hipster burn his tongue?

-he ate pizza before it was cool

what's red and smells like blue paint?

-red paint

what would you name a dinosaur with no eyes?

-Idontthinkhesaurus

[SomethingClever]

When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

[Heavy-Chevy]

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

[snuffle-bunny]

What do we want?

BIGGER PLACARDS!

When do we want them?

NO

[cuneas]

Here's one I heard in the musical I went to see last night:

What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?

Hell if I know!

(Think about it.)

[Arty]

This was something i told a person who was being ignorant and stupid...

Student A: Jeez thanks for making me seem stupid..

Me: Didn't know I had that ability....Guess You really do learn something everyday.

[Arty]

And from the above the ignorant kid asked me why was in the class since I always answered...

Here's another:

Stephanie Myer: I dreamt of writing Twilight..God gave me that ability.

JK Rowling: Guys, I told this woman no such thing...Clearly she's lost some marbles yeah? XD

[PetalPunk]

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?

Because she kept running from the ball!

hahahahahah.....no.....

[PuddinPop]

What's big, red and eats rocks?

A big red rock eater.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

What's red and sits in corners?

A naughty strawberry.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard.

What's green and brown and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A snooker table.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer! (no idea...)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

STILL no eye deer!!!

[Watercolor Daydreams]

Ooh, there's one that my friend once told me:

X Squared walks into a forest, and when he comes out, he's just X. What happened?

He tripped on a Square Root!