I need help dealing with a bullying situation.

[Geist]

I started to cough, but he didn't actually choke the breath out of me. My instinct kicked in somehow and I tucked my chin way down into myself and he wasn't able to get a very good grip. I don't remember if it actually hurt or not, but I would say that it did because he did leave marks on my throat.

Now, I will say that I actually had some bullying instances that were more scarring than this, even though this is definitely the worst. I'm not sure why it didn't leave some horrific, lasting impression on me, but I DO remember it clear as day for the most part. I suspect this may be why I've mastered the art of getting out of various chokes in martial arts.

The one I remember most keenly is not a particular event, but rather, a person. She used to make fun of me every day on the bus because I was really into music and writing. It was damn near constant. She was 2 years ahead of me and graduated before I did, but I remember what a mean, inconsiderate little person she was. What's funny is that I saw her many years later and learned she had spent most of her adult life battling breast cancer. I don't know if she had issues like that when we were younger, but still. Kind of makes a person raise an eyebrow.

[StarshineEmber]

Update: Well my friend N texts the guy. Let's call him K. Well she used to text him. She stopped when he started getting hostile and he started cussing her out when they texted. So she gets a text from him and it shows pics of him punching holes in the wall. He has enough strength to punch through a wall!!! Now how do I know, She showed me them last night when we hung out for a little while. K even sent her a video of him punching the wall, so we totally know he is capable of punching through a wall. That is scary. I bruise easily. His fist impacting my shoulder or anything with the strength he hit the wall would totally leave a mark. He is 5'9 and I'm 5'2 so there is not much of a height difference but he is still taller than me. I don't want him punch me!! Nope can't do it. He might punch me if I say something. Can't do it. Rewind everybody. My arm is at risk of being bruised if I tell someone. Back up and sit down because this girl is not going to get hit because of she told somebody. Nope. Not happening. Go back to your seat StarshineEmber, sit down and be quiet because if you don't you're going to get hit.

[skater]

When I was in 7th grade, my desks in my math class were set up in groups of 4, and we were allowed to sit wherever we wanted. Most days, I sat at one of the groups of 4 with girls who I was friendly with in my class. But some days, I would be the last girl to class and there would only be one seat open. And it was at a table with these 3 guys.

The first time I sat with them, I was excited because I thought 2 of them were really cute. They kept making jokes about my "blue waffles" which I didn't understand by laughed about anyway (If you're gonna google it, don't go to images)

I feel like each time I sat at the boys' table, they found more ways to try to make me as uncomfortable as possible. They made jokes about how short my mom's hair was (she had just finished breast cancer chemo that summer) and I pretended to laugh a little with them, which I still hatehatehate myself for.

I didn't want to tell my mom, because I thought she'd think it was her fault. And I'm shy and was scared to tell anyone else.

Every day I would run to math class to make sure I could get a seat at the girls' table. Once when I had gym class before math, I didn't change out of my gym clothes so that I could get to math quicker.

And this went on for basically the. whole. year.

And then in May, with only one month left of school, another girl in my class (who also got bullied when she sat with them) told her science teacher from 5th grade, the teacher in the school who she trusted the most. And then it stopped. Those guys got moved out of Honors Math and I barely saw them again.

And I'm telling this story so you can see not to do what I did. I went along with the bullies, which made it worse. If in September (when it started), I told someone what was going on, my 7th grade year would have been so so so so so much better. The only way it was ever going to stop was if someone told on them, and I still regret that it wasn't me

[skater]

So pleasepleaseplease tell someone, it will make him stop! The person that you tell can be anyone, and I promise teachers are better at handling these things than you think!

I also agree with the idea someone mentioned, to write it down. This can make it easier to tell someone and might also help you get all your thoughts together.

I'm so sorry you have to worry about him hitting you, that's really not ok. Pleaseplease be careful, especially to not be alone with him at any time! Good luck girl, if you ever need a friend PM me when we both get validated?

[bloom]

Update: Well my friend N texts the guy. Let's call him K. Well she used to text him. She stopped when he started getting hostile and he started cussing her out when they texted. So she gets a text from him and it shows pics of him punching holes in the wall. He has enough strength to punch through a wall!!! Now how do I know, She showed me them last night when we hung out for a little while. K even sent her a video of him punching the wall, so we totally know he is capable of punching through a wall. That is scary. I bruise easily. His fist impacting my shoulder or anything with the strength he hit the wall would totally leave a mark. He is 5'9 and I'm 5'2 so there is not much of a height difference but he is still taller than me. I don't want him punch me!! Nope can't do it. He might punch me if I say something. Can't do it. Rewind everybody. My arm is at risk of being bruised if I tell someone. Back up and sit down because this girl is not going to get hit because of she told somebody. Nope. Not happening. Go back to your seat StarshineEmber, sit down and be quiet because if you don't you're going to get hit.

I realize you're afraid, but literally every single in this thread who has offered their advice to you has told you what you need to do to get it to stop. He has already been physical with you with the tripping incidents. He is going to escalate if you don't go and see somebody. If you tell somebody, they have to take measures to keep you and this kid separated. He won't get a chance to hit you because you won't be in contact with him. Tell them you are afraid of being hit, in writing. Tell them about the texts. Tell them every single thing, put it in writing, and submit it.

If you don't do this, he will never stop. Ever. Take it from somebody who knows this. There is unfortunately no other advice anybody here can give because what we've all told you to do is the only solution. If you don't take it, things can't change.

Good luck.

[cally]

Update: Well my friend N texts the guy. Let's call him K. Well she used to text him. She stopped when he started getting hostile and he started cussing her out when they texted. So she gets a text from him and it shows pics of him punching holes in the wall. He has enough strength to punch through a wall!!! Now how do I know, She showed me them last night when we hung out for a little while. K even sent her a video of him punching the wall, so we totally know he is capable of punching through a wall. That is scary. I bruise easily. His fist impacting my shoulder or anything with the strength he hit the wall would totally leave a mark. He is 5'9 and I'm 5'2 so there is not much of a height difference but he is still taller than me. I don't want him punch me!! Nope can't do it. He might punch me if I say something. Can't do it. Rewind everybody. My arm is at risk of being bruised if I tell someone. Back up and sit down because this girl is not going to get hit because of she told somebody. Nope. Not happening. Go back to your seat StarshineEmber, sit down and be quiet because if you don't you're going to get hit.

Again, I am going to be blunt here. I don't know how familiar you are with bullying in the extreme stories, like Phoebe Prince. But they do not end well. Seriously.

I've done extensive research on this over the past 5 years and the only way it is going to get better is IF YOU TELL AN ADULT IMMEDIATELY. Please.

[Nola]

K even sent her a video of him punching the wall, so we totally know he is capable of punching through a wall.

This troubles me. It seems like a shout for attention/help etc. and I'm worried that he might escalate to other forms of violence.

Oh, I remembered a bullying story about me personally. It didn't happen for long because I did something about it. There was this senior when I was freshman and she hated me because my locker was right next to her freshmen boyfriend. It was because our last names were close alphabetically and for no other reason. We were friendly to each other, but not even close to anything else. Anyways, his gf was apparently jealous and insecure and one day after many glares and rude comments that I was wise (and far too shy) to ignore, she shoved me into a set of lockers and she and her senior friends left laughing. I told my uncle who worked at the school that she shoved me but I was too scared for anything to happen to her directly because of me. He understood and later on in the week gave her a detention for something 'unrelated'. She left me alone after that.

Please keep all of us informed with this situation. And if you need anything, anything at all, please feel free to PM me. You are in my thoughts.

[StarshineEmber]

K used to be a nice kid. He wasn't the nicest person ever but he wasn't mean like he is right now. I think he just needs to cool off a little. I don't want to say anything because it has only been a month since its started. He hasn't done much besides trip me and tell me stuff. Maybe he just needs to cool down a little. He doesn't seem like the person who would hit someone, especially a girl. I'm afraid he'll hit me but after thinking about I think I'm over reacting. He wouldn't be capable to hit someone. He was a nice guy before and I think that the nice person he was before is still in there. I feel like you all think he's a monster but he really isn't. He's just going through a rough time. I guess you can say I feel remorse for making him seem like he is a bad guy. He's just angry at the world for all the problems he has and I'm just overreacting because in the moment it made me feel bad and I didn't know what to do. I just don't think I can do anything because he is just a nice person who is going through a living hell and I don't think it's fair to him to go and say something when maybe I was in the heat of the moment and got upset. I just can't do it my heart has pity on him. He was a nice person before so maybe I should give him another chance.

[Arty]

And thats why we want you not to wait. You dont know what a bully is capable of. It can go out of hand.

My bullying was more verbal and emotional. I was bullied in 6,7,and 8th grade. I was the smart, creative one in the group so ding....target.

I met my bully in sixth grade and i thought she was nice because she asked if i needed helping putting up a flyer and i said yes. We introduced our selves and she left saying she'll see me around. But then she and her lackeies started making fun of my clothes, my hair...everything. i was like you thinking something was up her....and since 6-8th.grade, i thought it was me..she even got others in the class to make me feel ugly...to make me feel worthless. I was scared...to the point thar i was afraid to go to school but was elated when she wasnt there. It was like that in seventh.and eight grade. They even bullied one of my friends who was the new kid...but i stood up to the guy. The bullying didnt stop but i found ways to ease my suffering. One of my music teachers during lunch let me help him assist the pre-k students during their piano lessons. I never told anyone but i took it upon myself to be pro-active. Thats actually how i started playing the piano and gituar..(tho i only know a few songs...) i was still bullied but i made me hate and pity bullies.

Did it effect me?

Yes and still...its hard for me to speak for myself but not for others. I dont like public speaking because when i would do it, my bullies would always interrupt me. So yeah....

Dont wait till something happens. I still think about the bullies...i think about what i would have done to them all if i was a violent person...but dont wait...dont make excuses....dont let another person suffer even more at his hand. You are a voice for others. Srand up to him.

[Jorm]

K used to be a nice kid. He wasn't the nicest person ever but he wasn't mean like he is right now. I think he just needs to cool off a little. I don't want to say anything because it has only been a month since its started. He hasn't done much besides trip me and tell me stuff. Maybe he just needs to cool down a little. He doesn't seem like the person who would hit someone, especially a girl. I'm afraid he'll hit me but after thinking about I think I'm over reacting. He wouldn't be capable to hit someone. He was a nice guy before and I think that the nice person he was before is still in there. I feel like you all think he's a monster but he really isn't. He's just going through a rough time. I guess you can say I feel remorse for making him seem like he is a bad guy. He's just angry at the world for all the problems he has and I'm just overreacting because in the moment it made me feel bad and I didn't know what to do. I just don't think I can do anything because he is just a nice person who is going through a living hell and I don't think it's fair to him to go and say something when maybe I was in the heat of the moment and got upset. I just can't do it my heart has pity on him. He was a nice person before so maybe I should give him another chance.

The thing is, you're not actually doing him any favors by not letting someone know what's going on. By no saying anything, you're ignoring his problems as much as you're ignoring your own. If no one is made aware that he's having problems, no one can help him, and it sounds like he's not likely to go looking for help himself.

[Nola]

I don't want to say anything because it has only been a month since its started.

I feel like you all think he's a monster but he really isn't. He's just going through a rough time.

He's just angry at the world for all the problems he has and I'm just overreacting because in the moment it made me feel bad and I didn't know what to do.

These are all the reasons why you should tell so he can get help. The fact that his behavior has changed so drastically is indicative that he needs it. This is not your job to take care of him or protect him or try to shrug off what he's doing as 'not that bad'. I know it's so so hard to be the one to do it. There was a bully in sixth grade that was mostly 'nice' to me (because he had a crush) but everyone else hated him. He ended up getting suspended for making a death threat against my teacher. He had a lot of things he was dealing with too.

I could list so many things that happen because other people give someone 'one more chance'. Broken nose, broken fingers, concussion - and these kids that have done these awful things are FIRST GRADERS. This guy is five foot nine and capable of much more than that. He is filming himself being violent right now. He is obviously proud of what his fists can do to a wall. Please avoid him. Even if you can't tell anyone, for your sake, don't let him near you.

Also, you're not overreacting by feeling hurt and worried that he might hurt you. Overreacting would be telling the entire school that he is a violent monster or something like that. Your action simply has to be a quiet conversation with an adult who is able to assure you that you will be safe and that this boy will get help. Even if it does seem like right now he didn't hurt you that bad, or he didn't mean to, that doesn't mean that that thought alone will make a 'next time' not happen. Many kids with issues hit softly, say inappropriate things, kick, spit or bite without doing damage just because they can - at first. I've seen too many escalations to think this kid will not resort to something actually hurtful the next time.

I reiterate, even if you don't say anything - though you should - please stay away from this kid. Don't go out of your way to be nice to him anymore.

[murphy dee]

She was a violent person. Did she ever manage to hurt you in like a physical way? Did she try to mess with you in your senior year? I'm glad you're out of the situation though.

No, she never did manage to hurt me, which I'm glad for. When I saw her around senior year it was definitely strange, but she never said a word to me and I didn't speak to her either even though we had a couple classes together. From what I saw of her, though, she seemed like she had grown up a lot and she seemed much calmer, and to my knowledge she didn't get into any trouble that last year of school, so I think the special school she got sent to actually helped her out a great deal.

[Sass]

I think it's really nice that you are concerned for this kid but he really isn't your responsibility, you're 14! Get help for yourself about this and don't worry about him, whatever happens is not on you. Though to be honest he will almost certainly benefit in the long run if you say something.

I'm sorry so many people on this forum have had issues like this. I feel very fond of all of you even though we've never met and I hate that people hurt you, no one deserves that.

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

Anyone want to share some of their bullying stories and how you overcame them. It would help a lot.

I once threatened a bully with retaliation and he went home and told his dad that I had threatened him.Next thing I know I'm getting a lecture from his dad on why

I shouldn't pick on his son. How's that for chutzpah?

[StarshineEmber]

So apparently a teacher I asked about the situation sent an E-mail to my counselor. I got called to the guidance office during 2nd period and she told me to tell her about the situation. I told her about what he had been doing and she said I shouldn't have to be afraid to come to school. He was going to have a parent teacher conference before I went and said something and he said she would bring up the bullying to his parents. I tried to defend him because he generally is a good kid. She said that I shouldn't justify his actions. She made fill out a witness form or something like that and explain it. She said she would deal with the situation.It was honestly the worst thing in my life having to snitch on the guy. I guess it's going to get better after this. I'm just scared when he learns that I said something he will want to hurt me.

[Geist]

If he tries to hurt you or threatens you in ANY way, let someone know immediately. You didn't "snitch" on him. You reported disturbing, bullying behavior to the proper person. Defending him won't do you any favors, trust me. She is 100% correct. Please, do not shame yourself for this.

You did nothing wrong.

This is not your fault.

You are not obligated in ANY WAY to be "nice" to this kid, regardless of how he has been in the past.

You didn't ask for this.

You didn't deserve this.

You don't have to "take it."

And?

It's going to be alright.

[Nola]

If he tries to hurt you or threatens you in ANY way, let someone know immediately. You didn't "snitch" on him. You reported disturbing, bullying behavior to the proper person. Defending him won't do you any favors, trust me. She is 100% correct. Please, do not shame yourself for this.

You did nothing wrong.

This is not your fault.

You are not obligated in ANY WAY to be "nice" to this kid, regardless of how he has been in the past.

You didn't ask for this.

You didn't deserve this.

You don't have to "take it."

And?

It's going to be alright.

Exactly this. Good for you for going through with this. And you're right, it will get better from here.

[StarshineEmber]

If he tries to hurt you or threatens you in ANY way, let someone know immediately. You didn't "snitch" on him. You reported disturbing, bullying behavior to the proper person. Defending him won't do you any favors, trust me. She is 100% correct. Please, do not shame yourself for this.

You did nothing wrong.

This is not your fault.

You are not obligated in ANY WAY to be "nice" to this kid, regardless of how he has been in the past.

You didn't ask for this.

You didn't deserve this.

You don't have to "take it."

And?

It's going to be alright.

I feel bad about saying something. He might get in trouble. My counselor said it wasn't my job to help him and that's why they have staff to help him. I guess in the end it will be alright. He will get help. I will stop getting bullied. I hope everything gets back to normal. I just fear that he will be mad that I said something. Thanks for the advice

[Arty]

So let the kid get in trouble. Dont feel the least bit sad about it. You could have possibly helped someone else. Good that he's going to bd talked to. His parents need to be aware of this. And if he threatens you in anyway,

Report his ass!!

Good luck hon.

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

He will probably get in trouble, yes, but he's getting in trouble because of the way he chose to act. Actions have consequences. Better he learn this now than later in life or not at all. He may be mad, you're right, but if he does it will only because he hasn't yet learned to take responsibility for his own choices.

[murphy dee]

You didn't snitch on him. You need to throw that mentality right under a bus and let it die. You were being made a victim and you stood up for yourself, end of story. You have the right to not be harassed at school. You have the right to be safe in a place of learning. He was fucking that up and now he needs to be corrected, and if he cannot be corrected he must be removed. You've done an excellent thing and saved not only yourself but whoever else might have fallen victim to his actions.

[Sass]

I'm really glad you got help with this. You should feel proud of yourself not guilty!

[Mr Sneezy]

You didn't snitch on him. You need to throw that mentality right under a bus and let it die. You were being made a victim and you stood up for yourself, end of story. You have the right to not be harassed at school. You have the right to be safe in a place of learning. He was fucking that up and now he needs to be corrected, and if he cannot be corrected he must be removed. You've done an excellent thing and saved not only yourself but whoever else might have fallen victim to his actions.

If you do nothing, then that just makes you a co-dependent. You're giving him permission to cause you harm. Where's the sense in that?

We want to hear that this situation has been resolved and if this shithead gets removed from the school, well and good.

[Jorm]

Yes, he'll get in some sort of trouble, but 1) some sort of consequence is appropriate for the way he's been treating you, and 2) if the school is worth its salt, he'll also get help.

You told the counselor that you're concerned about him, that's all you can really do on that front. Hopefully as well as getting him to stop being a bully, the counselor will take on what you said and try to improve his situation too. Try to consider this as having voiced concerns about his well being to the school rather than as snitching on him. Snitching gets an unfairly bad rap anyway, if someone is doing something objectionable, particularly something that's hurting other people, then they should be reported. It's not like you're telling on him for a minor infraction that wasn't hurting anyone, you were being harassed, that's unacceptable, whatever the underlying cause might be.

You have a lot of compassion, and that's wonderful, but don't let your compassion for other people outweigh your compassion for yourself, or your sense of self worth. Try thinking about what you would have felt was the right thing to do if it was your friend instead of you that this guy was bullying. Would you still have felt it was better to let him carry on tripping and insulting them because of what he's dealing with? Would you have put his feelings above the feelings of your friend? Would you have been willing to be complicit in his bullying of someone else?

[StarshineEmber]

I just wantrd to thank all of you guys for the advice. Saying something was for the better. I appreciate all the help you guys have been. Thanks so much.