so many places : ever after (M/M)

[Privatedancer]

1 hour ago, dwaekki said:

It's so great to see you portray such a realistic relationship, and have your characters talk things out in a (nearly) healthy way. I agree that it's very important to fully resolve issues before moving forward if you want to stay with a person ❤️. I'm happy Matt and Jim are now on the same page, so I can only wait looking forward to see what comes next (hopefully some more cheerful chapters 🥲, although admittedly I love seeing vulnerable Matt every once in a while, I have a weakness for strong men being soft haha). I need to come upwith more words to describe your stories other than 'amazing' or 'great' but that's truly what they are, it's so lovely how you integrate sneezing into a fully committed plot with such incredible characters. This is probably the most I'll ever say on this forum cause normally I end up repeating myself, but truly I'm so excited to see where you take thus and I'm so happy you've carried on with these brilliant characters. All I'm waiting for now is some more soft, happy m/m dynamics and plenty more sneezes and caretaking from both parties ❤️❤️❤️

Right!  I would read anything you write with or without sneezing and it looks like you have plenty of other fans who feel the same so please let us know if you post other fiction out there

[Not Telling]

Honestly, at this moment I'm not sure how supportive I feel of Matt and Jim continuing a relationship right now. Personally, I don't think the way Matt handles himself in conflict or in emotionally trying situations is healthy at all. He lashes out with cruelty and blatant disregard for Jim's feelings. 

Yes, humans are flawed, complex beings that don't always behave, act, or respond in a manner that does themselves justice or is right. The thing is, despite our flaws and imperfections and failures (interpersonal or otherwise) we should strive to be better. We should work towards continuous improvement and being the best version of ourselves. 

Matt fails to do that. Sure he plays the card right. He says all the right things appealing to Jim's sympathy and forgiving nature. He feels remorse, he feels bad, he makes statements like he doesn't deserve Jim, but he doesn't take any meaningful and action towards sustained improvement, there are no signs of change. Everytime a conflict arises he reacts the same way - rashly, insensitively, painfully, and in a way that belittles and degrades Jim. He shifts blame to avoid responsibility and minimizes the severity of what he has done. Then he appeals to Jim, tells him he's sorry, that he'll never react or behave that way again, that Jim deserves better, and he's seemingly genuinely aggrieved and ashamed over his behavior.  He showers Jim with affection, support, and love. And things are fine until the next big conflict and then it starts all over again...lather, rinse, repeat.

It is extremely common for victims/survivors of childhood abuse to enter into relationships as adults that are also abusive and Jim is trapped in a cycle of abuse with Matt.  This cycle has repeated too many times for me to disregard the very alarming behavior from Matt and the propensity for it to just continue. It has happened enough that I do not feel confident about the health and vitality of their relationship and I am very concerned for Jim's emotional and physical well-being. (Even I, not experiencing Matt's anger first hand like Jim, felt stressed about the possibility of it at the end of the first chapter, even if I could reasonably understand why Matt would be mad about the situation-it's fine to be upset, the way that Matt acts in his anger is what isn't fine. And if I was stressed, Jim had to be more so about bringing on the "wrath" of his husband. This is a classic symptom of abuse. You can feel distressed about making your loved one mad because you don't like to see them upset or you can feel distressed about making your loved one mad because you're worried about how they'll react. It's an important distinction. One is compassion the other is harmful.) There are just too many red flags that I'm seeing repeated from Matt that cannot be overlooked or accepted.

I am very glad that at least Jim recognized in this chapter that he is owed and deserves better from Matt, that he illustrated exactly how damaging he was being, and didn't readily accept his apology but I think until Matt can demonstrate and show that he is actually working at improving how he deals with his emotion and anger and can show to Jim that he can respond in tense and emotionally heated situations without a brutal temper rife with emotional abuse I think Jim needs to put some distance between him and Matt and instill some strict boundaries.

There's a small part of me, despite adoring this story and their history and everything they've been through together that thinks that this should just be the end. Matt's consistent improper emotional response to Jim has cut them off from each other leaving them divided and hurt and every time Matt reacts the way he does to Jim it chips away a piece of his trust, of the desire to be vulnerable, and open. It leaves a gaping wound that overtime continues to bleed open, and bleed open, until it's a permanent scar. Matt's words will stay with Jim, and imbed themselves deep within his psyche, the jabs and cuts and put-downs that Jim experienced at Matt's hand will always be there, in the background and I just wonder how they can really come back from all of it at this point.

Let Matt losing the reported love of his life be the wake-up that he needs to, excuse the vernacular- get his shit together. He needs to learn to manage and temper his anger, he needs to treat people better, and he needs to learn to address conflict and emotionally heated situations with a calmer more composed head. Let him have his redemption arch but it might be better for him to have it with someone new, someone who hasn't been repeatedly broken by the person that is supposed to love them above all else.

Let Jim find someone who truly gives him everything he deserves, not just by halves, and let that person help to mend and heal his brokenness. I am really struggling with seeing Matt as being able to be that person for Jim. He might be able to be that for someone else in the future, but I think there's too much intertwined between Jim and Matt that really makes me question how Matt, as someone who has contributed to Jim's brokenness can also be the one to heal it. For everything great Matt can be, the pendulum swings the other way and he can be as equally as destructive on the other end. Jim deserves someone who while has his faults and areas of growth, doesn't abuse him and someone who he doesn't have the history of abuse with.

Anyways apologies for this hugely long comment, this chapter brought up a lot in me. As always your writing is exquisite Lily and so captivating and emotionally vesting. (In case the comment didn't make that clear enough haha). Thank you for your masterpieces. ❤️ 

Edited August 12, 2023 by Not Telling
Changed a word.

[Lily]

salut salut

So in this long chapter there's more than thirty sneezes (not right in the beginning though) so I'll guess it's a sneeze fest ? Otherwise I should try to put more in the next chapter (which sounds possible to me 🤭).

@Femiline77 welcome back !! thank you very much 💛

 

@Privatedancer Thank you very much ! Yes, promises are words, and Matt must prove with actions that he has truly changed. The ring thing is a detail but I knew that your attentive reading was not going to miss. Don't want to spoil the rest of the story to you, but you'll see how these two managed...or not.

21 hours ago, Privatedancer said:

Right!  I would read anything you write with or without sneezing and it looks like you have plenty of other fans who feel the same so please let us know if you post other fiction out there

😭 thank you you guys are the sweetest

If I ever post others stories, I will let you know 💜

@dwaekki Matt is going through a lot of places right now, and you'll see a bit more of what he's doing in his life but yeah, I like making him vulnerable because he's trying so hard to show the opposite of who he is, that is to say a sensitive man, that he ends up becoming this opposite, by being cruel and insensitive, which is unfortunate for Jim of course, but also for Matt himself. Like a lot of men (and women, but I think men are more concerned), he's completely caught up in gender stereotypes, which is kind of ironic given Matt's history, the fact that he is a proud gay man and that he was blessed with a wonderful chosen family and an amazing husband, that he would let something he is very critical of ruin his relationships. Oh and you are so kind thank you very much again 💜

@Not Telling coucou ! I understand your point of view but I do not agree with everything.

I feel like Matt wants everyone to push him beyond his limits, when he should try to surpass himself and not wait to be pushed to do so. While I do admit their relationship is in jeopardy because of Matt, I don't see him as an abusive person. For me even if Matt is the person who brings out the problems and tensions, the fact is that there is a communication problem that does not depend only on Matt. And obviously you can't ask Jim to be the one to solve the problems either. They are two in this wedding. They have to find a balance and their place.

Right now and since their first years of dating, they often both find themselves in intense moments arguing but mostly because previous events have not been settled. And they escalating way too fast (I have to admit that Matt is faster than Jim to go on this ground, but we also saw Jim reacting poorly too). I think Jim felt distressed about making Matt having a bad allergic reaction, plus he was feeling guilty because he let the cat in and felt generally sad about Matt’s abscence. Not because he was fearing him. At least I didn't think of it that way when I wrote it.

I don't see Jim as being broken repeatedly by Matt. I felt like Matt is not treating Jim well the day of his return, and even though he was emotional/angry of course that doesn't justify his attitude towards Jim. And yes, it wasn't the first time he had lost his temper. But Jim is able to do it too. He's more collected and respectful than Matt in general, but he can do it too. I'm not trying to compare the two but altough there is a problem in their relationship, I don't see it as an abusive one.

Finally I believe this event is a wake-up call for both. Jim must try to see if he wants to continue with Matt or not and make the decision that will be most beneficial for his well-being. Matt needs to realize that he can't act like that anymore and work on himself if he wants his relationship with Jim to work. I guess. Sorry if it wasn't very clear, I tried to answer to you in english directly and I struggled to find my words, even in french it was hard, I'm beginning to be torn in two languages these days, as I read and wrote almost everything in english and then my environment is the frenchiest thing ever, I almost had a headache writing this chapter haha 😅

 

Thanks to all of you, I’m currenly in a type-machine mode right now because I’m not doing very good these days and writing is my own little place of peace 🌈

Ps : i’m the worse to find titles (even though I like the « so many places » general title), but I like this sentence in this fourth part so I chose that as a title (and can you guess who says it before reading this chapter ?)

I hope you will like it, and I promise the next parts of this little (or longer) story will be more fluffy, sweet and all that sneezy jazz 🤧🥰

 

4 – It's not the passion that should bring us together anyways

After the exchange they had on the balcony, they were both cold with their wet clothes. Matt had frankly asked Jim what he wanted. Even though Jim wanted to find Matt, he knew he needed space and said so. Matt calmly replied that he could sleep over at a friend's house. And Jim nodded. So Matt went to Luke after sending him this message;

"Complicated return. I was a monster with Jim, he needs space. Can I stay at your place tonight ?"

And obviously, Luke had agreed.

Six weeks later

All this time, Jim and Matt remained completely separated. Matt had stayed with Luke. Luke was rarely there, between his job as a doctor, dancing in the ballroom three nights a week, and his busy social life. Obviously, Luke had proposed to Matt to be there more often, to cancel his engagements, or to bring him to any places he wanted but Matt told him that he didn't want Luke to deprive himself of anything for him. And he wasn't very eager to go to the clubs Luke loved so much. Instead, he asked Luke if it was possible to talk the same way they had talked to each other last Christmas. Luke had been surprised of this demand. Matt rarely talked about the past, let alone about the period when they were together. Yet he seemed so sincere in his request that Luke, with great seriousness, tact and tenderness, had accepted. And they had had several conversations together, deep and hard conversations for Matt, as he realized a lot on him, and especially things that he had buried in him for a long time. And Luke, even with all the affection he had for Matt, was very honest, almost brutal with his friend, when he spoke about Matt's attitude during the past.

Matt hadn't told Luke about what had happened in France, or anyone else. The only thing he had in mind was Jim. And their marriage. Even thought they were separated at the moment. Matt had also spent time with Lizzie and Carol, and the kids. He had spent time being turned to those he loved. And that felt nice. Reassuring. He felt so grateful for each of his friends. They were all so respectful and caring, and they still were friends of Jim too, but they respected their intimacy, speaking with Jim and Matt separately and only if they wanted to. Matt was particularly moved about their attitudes.

If Matt did not talk about what had happened in France, it was because it was not only when he was in France that he had felt this. It was on each of his trips. Far from Jim, his friends, his godchildren. Far from Greenway. In fact, in every travels he made, he missed his life. He had believed that being an artist was his life's dream. And in a way, it was. But it was a dream that turned to a nightmare, as it caused him to lose everything he treasured, even if for Luke, Lizzie, Carol, that was momentarily.

Where Matt believed that being an artist would allow him to travel, to taste solitude he thought he cherished, to be surrounded by people like him, where he thought his talent would be recognized, where he thought he could make the few people who mattered to him, he felt like he had ruined everything. Travelling had lost him. Solitude had frightened him, because it had shown him in the mirror a reflection he couldn't bear. The other artists he met never touched him as much as the people he met randomly in his ordinary life who annoyed or amused him, but above all inspired him much more. His talent was recognized, but his ego, which had been flattered at first, was completely disgusted by it now. He missed the people he loved terribly. And he felt like he had disappointed them all. Especially Jim. Because nothing of his life today made him proud, except the people he had found. And now, he felt like he didn't deserve them.

Jim and Matt were checking in on each other through their friends. Sometimes they texted each other, just to find out how each other's day was, but that was rare. Matt also told Jim when he came to pick up stuff. They had both agreed in a calm, if a little tense, conversation that they both needed their space and time. And Matt had offered to stay with Luke, while Jim could stay at the apartment. Jim had been a little embarrassed at the idea, but Matt had reassured him that he was fine with it.

"I'm the one who has to go, I don't have to impose myself on you in our house, as I showed you I was so disrespectful of it. I need to earned the privilege to call it our house right now." he said to Jim, who was going to argue but Matt, even if he let Jim had his opinion on the matter, stands firmly though he carefully chose his words when he spoke.

Jim enjoyed these moments of calm. Working with Lizzie was always so pleasant. Jim knew she was seeing Matt and he didn't mind. It was only natural. Lizzie and he had spoken about Matt together once or twice, but Jim had realized that he did not want to speak about it so much with her as with Matt himself. But maybe now wasn't the time. He didn't felt like it, actually. And even if he missed Matt, he was happy to be able to stick to his decision, as it appeared he loved the calm and the solitude right now.

4 months later

Jim had returned from a two-month trip to the Canada, a trip related to his job at the Greenway Post. He had gone there instead of Lizzie, not wanting to deprive his godchildren of their mother who already traveled a lot during the year. He had been back for a few hours now. He was having drinks with Luke when he received a text from Matt.

"Who is it Porcelaine ?" Luke asked with his natural curiosity as he finished his drink.

"Matt. He has to pick up some stuff."

Jim frowned lightly and looked up at Luke.

"Hey, why he didn't ask you to bring them back ?"

"But honey, Matt hasn't lived with me for…For months now."

“Months ?” wondered Jim.

"I'll say…Maybe tree or four months…He didn't tell you?"

Jim was surprised.

"Where does he live then and…Why didn't he tell me ?"

"Did you ask ?"

"Why did I have to ask him ?"

Luke shrugged.

"And you ! Why didn't you tell me ?"

"Do you remember how Matt was a volunteer in lots of associations before ? When he was working with Liz and you ? Well he does work there now. Almost full time now. He's hosting gay, trans, lesbian minors... In a shelter near downton. You know, in the old factory ? He gives swimming and painting lessons there. And he works with other associations too. I even think he does marauding during the nights. I don't see him much these days."

Luke stretched.

"Well, I don't really dare to talk about you two to you or to him. You two don't even sulk. You are so polite and so calm when you talk about the other that it's scarier more than anything else. It felt like you were strangers."

Jim rolled his eyes. Luke was always so dramatic. Yeah, with Matt, they didn't talk much anymore. And yes, they were very cordial. Very polite. Almost like…No, Jim refused the description of Luke. They were just respectful of each other. And right now, Jim didn't want anything else from Matt. Luke grabbed his jacket and put it on.

"Are you leaving ?" Jim asked.

"Not wanting to be a witness to your…Whatever you two are doing these past months. Plus, I kinda have a date, even if Lizzie pretends he's not for me."

Jim approached Luke and readjusted his collar with a little pout. He liked Luke, and wanted him to stay. Luke smiled. Jim was always full of thoughtful gestures.

"Really, it's a shame. I mean... How the passion between you two seems gone and I'm sorry for you." said Luke with more seriousness.

"Well don't be. The passion as you said may be gone, but it's not the passion that should bring us together anyways."

Luke looked so puzzled at Jim's words he frowned. Jim smiled, kissed Luke softly on the cheek. Luke smiled at him and stroked her cheek with a quick flick of him finger.

"Take care of you, Porcelaine."

"Will do. You too."

*

 

Less than an hour later, Matt arrived as Jim texted him it was ok to come. He had thinned down a bit, his hair was messier than ever, and his skin was a little tanned from the sun. Small freckles had appeared on his nose and cheeks.

"Hey."

"Hello Matt."

They kissed like two friends on the cheek. Jim snorted lightly. Matt's scent had changed and was tickling his nose.

“Sorry, but I really need these clothes for tomorrow. I won't be long though."
"No problem" simply answered Jim.
"How was your trip ?” asked Matt taking off his jacket.
"Great, thanks. I'm kinda tired though."

And Jim sat down on the couch. He pinched his nose softly and then sneezed, stifling it hard.

"Gn-gnissshhhm-xxssshuh ! Hhhh-shhhgn' !"

Matt was surprised. That was a long time since he heard Jim sneezed. He put his jacket on a chair and stretched.

"Bless you."

"Th…Ar-xxxshhuh ! TssPsshhh’uh !…UHH-XXXChhh’huh !…" he sneezed again, getting a bit desesperate, stifling them but having trouble to.

Matt saw a box of tissues on the table, took one and handed it to Jim. He frowned slightly, a bit concerned.

"Here take these."

"Tha…Hhhh'Tsshhehh' ! 'TSSShhhUUh ! hhhh'SHUUUH !" sneezed Jim, then he coughed a little but his nose was triggered so much by Matt's perfume that he tilted his head back slightly before sneezing violently between his hands, leaning forward "HUH-Shuuuh ! HUpp-SHHHIEW ! Arssshiiiew ! Eh...Eh...Huh...AAAAh-gnssshuh ! hhh'TSSHHHuuuh ! Uh…TSSSHUH ! 'PissshiiIIIEW !"

Then he took Matt's tissue and sneezed a muffled "Hhhh-gnnishhhuh !" before he blew his nose for a long time.

"Wow, bless you. Did you catch something in Canada ?" asked Matt gently, with a concerned look behind his glasses.

"Thanks…Uh…I don't understand I was…"

Jim looked at the coffee table on which there was a finished bottle of wine and two empty glasses. Matt followed his gaze.

"Oh, maybe alcohol made you sneeze." he suggested.

"Uh-Nuh I don't think that's it…" said Jim, his voice distorted with the urge to sneeze again, his nostrils quivering and his breathing becoming heavier.

Matt took another handkerchief and handed it to him. But Jim had already half-closed his eyes, taking deep breaths to relieve his sneezes but without success. So he opened his eyes, frustrated, and sighed. Matt gave him a sympathetic look. Jim took the handkerchief from him and blew his nose. This irritated him more than anything. Matt approached Jim and handed him the box.

"Do you need anything ? Otherwise I'll go take my stuff and let you rest."

"You caAAaAAARSHUH ! AAAShiIIIEW ! Th…Uh…HHH-hhh-HHHAPSHUH !" sneezed Jim in his cupped hands.

It was a very wet little fit and when he sniffed, you could distinctly hear how stuffed his nose was. Jim blushed hard.

"Bless you d…" and Matt bited hid slips softly, "Jim."

Jim looked at him for a brief moment, then turning his face away, a pre-sneezing expression on his face immediatly followed by more sneezes. 

"Haaa-hhh-haaaAIISHHIIIEW ! APSSSHIIIEW-Uh…HuhhhAAASHIIEW ! hhh-ISHIIIEW ! ARRRSHUUUH ! Gnnn-GnnnIIIIISHIIIIUH !"

They sounded so harsh than Matt winced upon hearing them.

"Bless you." he muttered, frowning.

Jim didn't look sick. As him, he looked slimmer, but that was it. He seemed to be in great shape, apart from his huge sneezes which seemed to possess him completely. It was so rare for Jim to sneeze that much that begun to feel really concerned.

"We should call Luke. You never sneeze that much. Maybe you…"

Jim cutted Matt after rubbing his nose with a tissue.

"I've only been sneezing since you've been here. Must be something you wear."

Matt blushed. He was wearing a new perfume, and suddenly he felt like he only smelled like that.

"Oh. Maybe…I'm…Sorry. " he said, a bit confused, as Jim didn't have a sensitive nose.

"That's o-oh-OoooTshUUUH !" sneezed Jim as he spoke, then he sighed, and gently reassured Matt "It's ok. Go pack your things I'm go-guh-going to…UH-APSHHIIEW ! Going to clean the apartment a bit. UHSHIIIEW ! Jeez. Uh, I'm sorry." he said, rubbing his nose gently.

"No, I am. Bless you." kindly said Matt.

Matt stalked into the bedroom. He heard Jim sneezed a couple of time more, even though it was obvious that Jim was trying to suppress his sneezes. Matt tried to be quick. He didn't want Jim to have an allergy attack because of his stupid perfume. As soon as he was done packing his stuff, he headed to the bathroom and ran water down his neck, rubbing the best he could with soap. He dried off and returned to the living room. Jim was cleaning the coffee table.

"I was with Luke earlier" he said, now standing near the window open of the kitchen, as if trying to change the air in the room.

"How is he doing ? It's been a while since I've seen him," said Matt, looking around.

Odd. He was sure he had put his jacket on the chair. He joined Jim in the kitchen. Jim was finishing wiping the glasses. He sniffed lighlty when Matt walked into the kitchen.

"He's fine. Wondering about you. Why didn't you tell me you don't live with him anymore ?"

"Well I...", and Matt didn't finish his sentence; instead he shrugged.

Jim clicked his tongue in annoyance. Matt was still shrugging to avoid answering.

"Sorry. Lawrence told me that I always do that instead of talking. I tried to stop doing that but I guess long habits die hard" said Matt, then adding "What I meant is that I didn't want to bother you while you were working. And since I'm the one coming here I didn't thought you wanted to know where I lived. But if you want, I'll give you the adress. I live with a volunteer friend."

“I see. Is that friend…Ehm…Lawrence ?” asked Jim, feeling a bit confused, but not knowing why exactly.

"Oh no, Lawrence is the name of my doctor. Theo Lawrence. But calling him Theo would be too weird." winced Matt.

“Are you sick ?” Jim asked right away.

"What ? No, why would you...Oh ! When I said doctor I mean…My psychologist, Jim." and Matt blushed, even though that he knew it was perfectly ok to see a psychologist, the piercing gaze of Jim was a bit too intense right now.

Jim nodded. He was a little surprised. Matt was going to see a shrink ? Well that was new too. Matt rubbed his nose slightly. The air might be good for Jim, but he smelled of powerful flowers smelling from outside.

"I think that's a good thing, Matt." he finally said.

"Well to tell you the truth, it's horrible and I want to quit almost every session, but at the same time, I think it's the best thing to do."

Jim smiled as Matt spoke so fast, like he always did, and Jim couldn't help it but still found it adorable, because he knew that was half a defense mechanism, half the habit of a witty guy. Matt smiled back at Jim, but very quickly, and Jim realized he hadn't seen Matt smile in what felt like forever.

"So…Jim have you seen my jacket ?" I thought I left it on a hhh-Hold...A chair… Oh I need…to...Uh...SNEESHIIIEW ! Eshiiew ! ESSSHIEW !" he sneezed loudly into his elbow.

"Bless you" Jim said, and he went to close the window but Matt shook his head.

"No, leave it open, I'm go-gu-guuuSHHHIEW ! Uh. Excuse me. I'm going anyways."

"Bless. "

"Thank you."

Jim looked around before realizing what he had done unconsciously. He was biting his lip.

"Matt ? I think I accidentally put your jacket in the wardrobe."

"Really ? Oh it's okay. You mean in the hall closet ?" Matt asked, a little surprised.

"Yeah" Jim replied, feeling like an idiot.

He had really put Matt's jacket away as a reflex. Matt walked to the closet and Jim followed. And he couldn't help it, he did a very stupid thing as he leaned his face slightly towards Matt's neck. Even though Matt had a new perfume that made him sneeze, he really liked the smell and was trying to figure out where he smelled before.

“HuUSHHHUUUH !" he sneezed, red as a poppy, covering it with his hand but a bit late.

Matt felt a light mist on his neck and swallowed softly.

"Oh my…I'm sorry Matt, I didn't mean to…" Jim mumbled, embarrassed.

Matt smiled, but it was a sad smile, and Jim couldn't see it.

" God bless you." he said, then he grabbed his jacket and turned to Jim. He frowned slightly. "I don't know why I got God involved in this. I don't believe in it, and you either"

Again, it was the return of the fast way of speaking. Jim nodded while panting lightly, his left hand cupping his nose and mouth as he sneezed again "EEAARCHIIEW"

"Bless you." said Matt, his gaze drawn to, again, Jim's unmarried hand. His mouth felt suddenly very dry.

"Can I...Can I just have a glass of water before I go?"

"Yes of cou-urshiiIIIIEW ! Sorry. Of course." said Jim, exhaling softly after his sneeze.

Matt went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. Jim joined him. Matt drank his glass, and Jim stood in front of him. Matt set the glass on the edge of the sink. Why was Jim staring at him like that ? Serious and wondering. Did he need to talk to him again ? Maybe… And Matt had mentally prepared for it so many times, maybe Jim was going to tell him he wanted a divorce. He looked at Jim questioningly. In silence, Jim slipped a chain he wore under his shirt over his fingers. A silver chain through which his wedding ring had passed. Matt opened his mouth and his eyes widened. There the ring was. He was so surprised of it, he looked at Jim, but Jim looked at the ring himself. Jim took Matt's hand and put the ring in his fingers, without removing the ring from the chain. Matt had to get closer to Jim to not strangled Jim. He blushed. Matt wiggled the ring between his fingers without saying a word. The stone were warm under his fingers. From the warmth of Jim's skin.

[Privatedancer]

I am sad they have spent so much time apart without communicating.  And this cliffhanger?  I hope he isn’t giving Matt the ring back but asking Matt to put it back on his finger?  But it doesn’t feel they have resolved things since they have stopped communicating.  I am glad Matt is working on himself but wish there was communication or something to share with Jom that this whole time he has been working to be the man Jim deserves.  Thank you for writing and I am so sorry things aren’t going well for you.  Your writing is such a gift when things aren’t going well for me and I wish there was something I could give you!

[dwaekki]

I forgot how much i love Jim's sneezes 🫣 the stifles are gonna kill me! Such an interesting chapter, I'm so excited to find out Jim's still wearing the rings- there is hope after all haha. Sorry to hear you haven't been doing too well yourself, I hope you feel better soon and we'll continue to support you through here, whilst also all finding peace through your incredible story telling 🥰

[Not Telling]

Hello Lily, I appreciate your perspective, I'm glad that isn't your intention I'll just say as someone who has worked as an advocate for victims/survivors of abuse, Matt's previous actions can be read as abuse. 

I'm glad to see that Matt is receiving professional help, even if he is resistant to it, it's the only way I would feel remotely comfortable with Jim and Matt continuing their relationship. It would probably be beneficial for both of them to attend some sessions together. Though Matt has work he needs to do on his own, as you pointed out, there is work that both of them need to do together to have a healthy partnership and it would probably be positive for them to work through them in a setting where there is a moderator and an impartial party that can offer a more balanced perspective.   

I'm also glad to see that they have taken some time apart and refocused their attentions on other things they are passionate about, I think maybe they both needed to remember that they have hobbies and interests outside of each other and that there should be a balance of engagement with those things that are independent of each other as well as things they do together, but I am really interested in seeing this conclusion and how they are now going to work out everything after months of being apart. The last paragraph was stunning and I'm eager to learn what it all means. 

There also seems to be more to the scent that Matt was wearing, interested in seeing if that gets revealed.

15 hours ago, Lily said:

God bless you." he said, then he grabbed his jacket and turned to Jim. He frowned slightly. "I don't know why I got God involved in this. I don't believe in it, and you either"

This line made me chuckle, the sort of nervous rambling, it's endearing. 

Thank you as always for the lovely gift of your writing and for your beautifully well articulated and thoughtful responses (you needn't worry about your English, it's masterful.) I'm so sorry you haven't been doing well, I repeat the sentiments from both Privatedancer and Dwaekki.  Nous t'aimons et t'admiron. Soigne-toi bien. ❤️ 

[solitaire-au]

@Privatedancer OK, it’s weird that the YouTube links to the Joy Luck Club are now looking normal and working for me when they didn’t before.

Anyway, I can see the parallels with Jim suppressing his own wants and needs to try and make Matt happy. I think some of it would come unconsciously from trying to please a father who was not only abusive, but rarely happy or approving of him as a child or as an adult.

My parents weren’t quite that bad, but unfortunately there a lot of similarities between them and Jim’s situation. As an adult, even when you can look clearly at your parents’ past behaviour and realise that it was abusive, wrong and unacceptable, the desire to gain their approval is so strong. Our relationships with our parents have a massive influence on our personality, our behaviour and our relationships as adults.

I developed a lot of unhelpful behaviours that were survival mechanisms as a child, that now no longer serve me as an adult. I’ve had to do, and still have yet to do, a lot of work to overcome them. I need to unlearn those behaviours, and it’s extremely difficult to stop deeply ingrained patterns. But just identifying them is half the battle won.

@Not Telling While I agree that Matt’s behaviour can be hurtful and abusive, him starting to recognise he does it makes a big difference, especially compared to someone like Jim’s Dad, who would never admit fault, let alone apologise or change.

None of us like to admit our faults, and when our personal fault is deliberately wounding the ones we love the most, it’s incredibly difficult to admit that it is a pattern, instead of “a mistake I swear will never happen again.” Not that it makes it acceptable behaviour!

I think that Matt and Jim both having been only children made their personal situations growing up more difficult.

I forget why Matt only had his mum and no other parent (and I’m too tired to go back and read the whole story.) But I’ve seen with friends who grew up as only children some of the pitfalls that they fell into. One friend in particular, his parents split when he was very young, and his mum made the mistake of using him as a friend and confidante, which IMO twisted and poisoned the mother-son relationship. One consequence, was that it made him extremely clingy in his romantic relationships as an adult to the point of desperation that drove women away.

I see that as a danger that many single parents need to be conscious of, especially if they have only one child. If they encourage a “you and me together against the world” mentality, what happens when the child grows up? When the parent wants to pursue a new relationship? Or when the parent dies?

Matt clearly worshipped the ground his mother walked on. She might have been his whole world. He was totally devastated when she died. And it sounds like he spent his adult life being rude to anyone who tried to get to know him better and the only friends he made, were the ones willing to put up with his prickly, rude nature.

I see Matt as having the avoidance type of the abandonment schema due to the absence of his other parent, and the death of his mum. Inside, he desperately wants intimacy, but subconsciously he believes he is destined to be abandoned in the end, so his brain tells him to sabotage blossoming relationships (romantic or otherwise) to stop further intimacy from developing and to protect himself from further hurt. Then his behaviour makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

People like Lizzie, Carol and Jim cared enough about Matt to make allowances for his behaviour, even when he hurt them. But no one has infinite reserves of patience and forgiveness. Not even Jim.

But Jim has a different schema. I forget what it’s called, but it’s basically where he tells himself he is unloveable and unacceptable  because he’s fundamentally “wrong” as a person. Some would have come from his father’s homophobia, but most from his father’s other abusive behaviour.

My understanding from a psychological perspective, is that when a child has an abusive parent or carer, the idea that the person who is supposed to love and care for you is actually a terrible, hurtful person is too scary and too much for their minds to bear. So most children change the narrative in their minds and start to believe they are the ones who are terrible, because at least that’s something a child can control; their own actions and behaviour.

So they start internalising and suppressing their feelings, try to be as obedient and non-confrontational as possible, keep quiet as much as possible, often become high achievers to try and gain parental approval etc etc.

We see a bit of this when Jim’s Dad makes contact with him after a long period of time. Jim is so used to keeping everything inside that he just can’t share his thoughts and feelings with Matt. And Matt was afraid of abandonment, and started jumping to conclusions and lashing out. Then Jim started reaching the limit of his patience and the limit of his ability to keep his negative emotions inside, so he reached breaking point, and they ended up having that huge argument.

I know it’s extremely painful, but I don’t want to see their relationship end! 😭

Lily, I’m very grateful you’ve chosen not to, but they’re your characters to do with as you wish, of course! Thank you for taking us on this journey, emotional roller coaster and all! ❤️

[Lily]

salut salut

As my insomnia striked last night I wrote a freaking long chapter, hope you will like it. Also, I want to thank you for the support, I'm grateful for your kindness. Feeling a bit better today, and tomorrow is a holiday in France so I know I will rest, at least I'm gonna try !!

@Privatedancer I know, they reeeeally need to communicate more. *sigh*
You’re already the sweetest commenting and messaging, you’re a part of this little place of peace, don’t worry, it’s going to be ok 💛

@dwaekki It's funny because I don't really like stifled sneezes but the control/politeness aspect of it is so Jim related ? I also love making tall, elegant men tortured and desperate by their sneezes, I find myself enjoying writing his stifled sneezes? thank you very much

@Not Telling Did you read Pride and Prejudice ? At the end of the novel, Darcy says to Elizabeth that when she said to him that has « he had been acting more in a gentleman-like manner » (or something of the kind) it tortured him so much after it, and I guess your comment on the abuse stuck in my head for hours, and even if I didn’t tortured myself towards it, I was thinking and rethinking my characters and their actions soooo much ! It’s so sad to think that they are so many levels of abuse, and maybe I was a bit blind by my ideas to see if Matt was actually abusive. 

Love how deep it made me think about it though, so thank you, as always, to be that thoughtful ❤️

And of course Matt is resistant to the help but yeah, he did enter into the best process (to my opinion) for him. I think it’s a big step for him. I have so many friends that won’t go into therapy/getting professional help and that make me sad sometimes, as I know it can actually be so important.

Yes, I have noticed that many of my friends, those around me who were in a relationship, especially long-lasting couples/married couples, there is often a kind of erasure of one of the partners or even of both. As if their individuality was based on the notion of couple. It's something I'm a bit afraid of myself, I think it's really important to find the right balance between you, your partner, your couple. It takes work, not just love or intentions, which is unfortunately often the case in what I observe around me.

The nervous rambling part is typical me. 😅 Even if Matt is not based on me at all (except maybe for his love of swimming) I can have this type of nervous rambling so often and then I’m always like oh my Lily, shut your mouth you’re not making any sense right now.

@solitaire-au OMG your comment. 😭❤️

It’s so true and such a great analysis...

I’m sorry for your situation with your parents. I relate to it also, and as I work in child protection since few months now, I definetely learn a lot about how childhood is so important in building a person. Also my work sometimes is making me thinking about my own situation or situations of my friends, which kind of be triggering. And I definetely agree about the identification and recognition part.

On 8/13/2023 at 5:09 PM, solitaire-au said:

I think that Matt and Jim both having been only children made their personal situations growing up more difficult.

yes, so true

On 8/13/2023 at 5:09 PM, solitaire-au said:

I forget why Matt only had his mum and no other parent (and I’m too tired to go back and read the whole story.)

Matt's father left Matt's mother when he learn she was pregnant, as he didn't want to be involved in a deep relationship and raised a kid

On 8/13/2023 at 5:09 PM, solitaire-au said:

Matt clearly worshipped the ground his mother walked on. She might have been his whole world. He was totally devastated when she died. And it sounds like he spent his adult life being rude to anyone who tried to get to know him better and the only friends he made, were the ones willing to put up with his prickly, rude nature.

I see Matt as having the avoidance type of the abandonment schema due to the absence of his other parent, and the death of his mum. Inside, he desperately wants intimacy, but subconsciously he believes he is destined to be abandoned in the end, so his brain tells him to sabotage blossoming relationships (romantic or otherwise) to stop further intimacy from developing and to protect himself from further hurt. Then his behaviour makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

People like Lizzie, Carol and Jim cared enough about Matt to make allowances for his behaviour, even when he hurt them. But no one has infinite reserves of patience and forgiveness. Not even Jim.

EVERYTHING here is very true. Matt sabotages everything because he is afraid. Although I didn't push too hard on that with Luke's story, Matt said it was because his mother was sick and died during their relationship, they couldn't last. While he also admitted that their overly similar personalities couldn't have worked in the long run, he kind of "hidden" through his mom's death to avoid being "abandoned" by Luke too. Even if I didn't write it, that's the story I had in mind concerning the two of them.

Matt is very lucky that Luke stayed in his life. He's an ex, a friend, a confidant and he knows him very well. Also Luke is very honest, maybe even rough at times, which is what Matt is looking for, even if it's not a good thing, it’s almost like Matt want to be pushed sometimes. With Lizzie, his oldest friend, it's a bit like a sister he didn't have, a role model that he also related to his mom since she's older than him, then they were co-workers…I thinks Lizzie is calmer and more sensible than Luke, but also manages to calm Matt down in many levels and she loves him deeply. Plus she's a mom with amazing kids and the fact that she and Carol have a happy wedding and loving family must seem reassuring and comforting to Matt. And Carol is even calmer and cooler than Lizzie. In a lot of ways she's similar to Jim in her more collected way, but she's also more reserved and intellectual type of person kind of people. And I think Matt like that.

On 8/13/2023 at 5:09 PM, solitaire-au said:

My understanding from a psychological perspective, is that when a child has an abusive parent or carer, the idea that the person who is supposed to love and care for you is actually a terrible, hurtful person is too scary and too much for their minds to bear. So most children change the narrative in their minds and start to believe they are the ones who are terrible, because at least that’s something a child can control; their own actions and behaviour.

Again, that sounds very true.

On 8/13/2023 at 5:09 PM, solitaire-au said:

We see a bit of this when Jim’s Dad makes contact with him after a long period of time. Jim is so used to keeping everything inside that he just can’t share his thoughts and feelings with Matt. And Matt was afraid of abandonment, and started jumping to conclusions and lashing out. Then Jim started reaching the limit of his patience and the limit of his ability to keep his negative emotions inside, so he reached breaking point, and they ended up having that huge argument.

Yes, I think this part of the story shows very well their issues and how two differents situations can lead to one big argument which is not surprising.

I have ideas for them, but so many in fact that I had to clear my mind before writing this part. I swear sometimes my heart races when I write as I imagined them in front of me and tried to guess what they would do and say (and how they would sneeze too). What a challenge! But I love it.

 

let's find our boys now 💜

 

5 – An unexpected ally

Matt felt his heart pounding violently. There was such a silence that he wondered stupidly if Jim could hear his heartbeat. He frowned slightly, gently squeezing the ring between his fingers.

"Jim, I'm sorry but…I don't…I don't understand what that m…"

"AAAAAAARTSHUUUH !" Jim sneezed loudly, almost freely, which was so rare with him.

Sneezing, he turned away from Matt with a movement so abrupt that the chain around his neck snapped. Matt had been so surprised by this big sneeze from Jim that he jumped and the ring slipped from his fingers. The ring rolled across the counter to the kitchen window before falling, despite Matt rushing to the edge of the window to catch it. Jim took Matt by the collar and pulled him back.

"Matt f-damn watch out!"

"Ouch !" Matt cried, as Jim tugged hard on his collar, before taking a few steps back as Jim let go.

Obviously Matt was in no danger of throwing himself out of the window, but Jim had this reflex, because he had seen Matt lean forward so much that he had been afraid and not thought further. Matt swallowed. The ring had disappeared. Disappeared in the dark.

"The ring…"

Jim felt the chain slip down his neck and heard it fall to the kitchen floor. He got a bit paler and looked at Matt.

"You catched it right ? "

Matt looked sorry.

"No, I'm…sorry. I think she fell in the park."

"Fuck !" escaped Jim's lips.

And he punches the table. Matt wanted to disappear, as he felt guilty as hell. Jim looked so pissed off. Then he sighed and ran his hand over his face.

"I'm so sorry I didn't mean to jump but…" Matt started.

"I have to go down." Jim suddenly realized.

Jim walked past Matt and took his keys.

"I come with you" decided Matt.

"If you want." grunted Jim.

And they both descended the stairs in silence. Jim was literally scurrying up the stairs at full speed and across the hall at the same pace, not waiting for Matt. Matt almost took the front door in the face but had the reflex to put his hand to protect himself. As he walked out he saw Jim, his phone light pointed in the grounds of the building, scanning the lawn carefully. Then he took his own phone, which had run out of battery, and did the same. After five minutes that seemed endless Matt, continuing the search, spoke to Jim.

"You know you'll have better chances with the daylight."

"Matt ? I don't want to talk right now."

"Oh. Sorry."

Jim sighed. He knew he had to calm down, but the thought of his ring being lost in the grass made him feel nauseous.

"Why don't you go upstairs and make yourself a hot chocolate ?" he asked with a calmer tone.

"Wh...Why would I do that ?" frowned Matt, confused.

"I mean a coffee." Jim corrected himself, knowing Matt's passion for coffee.

"No but I...I'll help you find the ring."

"Fine."

It was getting cold in the park. It was a large park that surrounded their building, with tall grass. A little lower, there was a space with trees where families came to walk and children play on weekends and holidays. It was a very nice place. But it is true that in the dark, the cold, in search of such a small object, the place was much less charming.

Matt rubbed his nose slightly. The humidity and the smells of nature were already triggering his sensitive nose. His phone was almost out of battery. Soon he would be useless in the quest for the ring. He dared neither speak nor look at Jim, as he felt this one would have preferred, for a reason Matt ignored, to search for the ring alone. Jim was not feeling great right now. The return flight had been difficult, he had back pain, felt tense. And he felt sick to his stomach, as if he had trouble digesting the wine he had drunk with Luke. Or maybe it was because he hadn't eaten enough today. Also he felt very triggered by his nose which distracted him a lot. He had to stop to rubbed his nose, as the tickle intensified. He alternated between pinching his nose, rubbing it, pinching his nostrils, but nothing helped. He took a deep breath through his nose and felt that it was time. He breathed in again through his nose, in a kind of dramatic way and then sneezed with violence against his fist, stifling it hard.

"HhhUUUH-GNSSHhh’mmm !"

He let out a small moan of relief but after a quick desesperate breath, he had to sneeze again.

"Huh-huh-hhh-gishhhh'mmm ! Hhhh-HHH'tSSHmmm ! Huhh-kssshhuh !" they sounded wet even if he stifled them well.

"Bless you." said Matt and he approached Jim, took his jacket off and handed it to Jim.

Jim frowned.

"C'mon" insisted softly Matt.

"I'm n-not c-cold" replied Jim.

But obviously, his body had decided to be particularly uncooperative tonight and his teeth were chattering. Jim took Matt’s jacket, sniffing lightly.

"Okay, fine. Thanks."

He put it on.

"Thank you" he said in a nicer tone.

And he walked away, sniffling a little, stifling a little sneeze "Gn'tshhh' ! Uh...".

"Bless" said Matt, then his telephone go off.

Ok. So in less than two minutes, Jim was going to tell him to go back inside or even to leave. Matt tried to be discreet, still searching in the grass, but the lights in the park were really dim and he couldn't see much. Suddenly he froze. Something had just brushed against his leg. Something warm and furry. He let out a little cry that seemed ridiculous to him. Jim turned to him.

"You're ok ?"

"I…Yes, sorry…Something…Something brushed against me."

Jim swept a ray of light over Matt's legs but he saw nothing.

"I see nothing."

"I swear Jim." said Matt, tried to hide the scare he had.

"I don't see anything. Maybe it was a little mouse or…"

"What ?" said Matt in a strangled voice.

Jim couldn’t help a little laugh.

"Oh j-jeez Matt…You’re still scared of wild ? Trust me, in this park, there’s nothing to feared. " teased Jim.

Matt frowned, vexed, as he felt a bit ridiculous now. He crossed his arms but felt a tickle sensation invade his body so fast that he had to uncross his arms to sneeze. He sneezed powerfully, as usual, into his hands.

"Huhh-Tisshhiiiuh ! AeeeSHHHUH ! Uh…UHKSHIEW ! UHSHHHUH ! Snff…Uh…UHPSHUUUH ! Eh…Eh…Eh…EH-KshhhUUUH-ttt’SHUH…"

"See ? You shouldn't gave me your jacket." frowned Jim.

"Nuh-Uh…It’s…Uh…Ish…I-SHIIIEW ! Sorry. It’s my allergies, that-th-Aaaarshhhuh ! Acting…Up…Uh…UPSSSHIEW ! Acting up again." said Matt, his voice distorted as he was cut by his own sneezes.

He rubbed his nose and Jim could distinctly saw Matt's face being relieved on the moment, and he saw him sighed softly, a sigh of contempt as he sometimes had after a strong fit. He blushed uncontrollably, and turned away from Matt, mumbling a “Bless you" as he was going to find the ring again.

When he was far enough away from Matt, with his back to him, he lightly sniffed the collar of Matt’s jacket. Oh man. This smell was terribly attractive. It wasn't Matt's usual smell but at the same time, Jim couldn't understand why this smell was so familiar to him. It was tickling his nose too, but Jim was starting to think that what made him sneeze, besides this new perfume, was perhaps because the air conditioning on the plane was way too strong, and therefore his nose was much more sensitive than usual.

He pinched his nose hard to sneeze again "Guh-gshhh' ! Ttttssshuh !" and after a quick, desperate breath he had to sneeze right away, unable to stifling it perfectly "Hhhiihhh-sHHHHUhhh !". Frustrated, sad to have lost his ring, he gave a little blow in a stone

"Damn it ! ".

He heard the soft voice of Matt, even if he was far, he was there.

"Bless you. Jim ? I’m sorry but I don’t th…"
"You can go if you want. Besides you don’t have any light. I’ll stay. " cutted Jim, sniffing.
"Listen, I... "
"But I don’t want to listen yo you" cutted again Jim.

Matt felt something heavy in his chest. He looked at Jim but Jim had lowered his phone. The only thing Matt could see was Jim's tall, thin frame.

“Do you want me to leave ?” asked Matt.

Because if Jim wanted to, maybe it was easier for everyone. Matt sensed that Jim was tense, and understood that it was probably for seeing him. That was painful, but if he had to go, he will right away.

"Because if you want to I ca-a-aa-aaa-AAAA-AAAKISSSHUHH!" sneezed loudly Matt.

And then he gasped.

"Jim, put the light on me, quick !"

Jim frowned but did it anyways. His eyes widened when he saw that there was indeed something brushing against Matt's legs. It was…No, but there was no way. It was Billy ?

The effect on Matt was immediate. He took a deep breath then sneezed violently in his cupped hands, which made him cry at the same time, and bend his body almost in two.

“Huuuh-PSSHUUUh ! Huhhhh-KISSSHUUUH ! Huh…HA-ARPSHIIIEW ! Hhh-HA-ISHHHIUh – ISHIIIEW ! Uhhh-ISHIIIEW! Uh-ISHIEEW ! HUHHH-huh-essshiew ! HA-RSHHHUH ! Uh…EH-Eh-ARSHHHUH ! …Eh…ETTTSHUUUH ! Oh…Ah…Ah…UH ! HhhaaPPSSHHHIIIIEW !”

Billy seemed particularly unimpressed by Matt's sneezing and even started to rub gently against Matt's legs. Jim stayed a bit petrified at first, then he approached Billy and tried to catch him but Billy mewed angrily and scratched Jim. Matt coughed a little and looked at how Jim was going to pushed over Billy when he saw something shining.

"Jim, s-suhSHHHIEW ! Stop."

Jim looked at Matt, his nostrils quivering, his hand half over his mouth and his eyes shining behind his glasses, who squatted.

"Don’t move" begged Matt.
"Trying to move the cat for you, actually. " frowned Jim.
"That's…Very thoughtful, but please, wait…ISSSHUHH!" he sneezed while looking away, gasping "Sorry."
"Bless you. Matthew ! Stop…What are you doing ?" Jim wondered, almost worried to see Matt…

Damn it, was he really running his fingers under Billy's paws ? Jim looked up to see Matt's gaze. He seemed very focused, and then he smiled very quickly. Then Jim recognized the characteristic pre-sneeze expression from Matt, who sneezed to the side.

"HUHHHPSHUUUH ! Ha…Guhhh-ishIIIIEW ! Uh-Ih-IHPSHHHIEW ! AHSHUUUH-SHHHHIIIUhhh…HUH…Huh…EEEERTSHHHUH !"

Then Matt, breathing with difficulty, gently pated Billy on the head who stalked off towards the building. He stood up, hissing slightly. Jim noticed that he had a clenched fist. His other hand was placed over his nose and mouth, as he took in more and more breaths, in a scary wheezing. Jim felt the concern rise in him at full speed.

"Oh Matt...Why did you..."

Matt half closed his eyes and sneezed rapidly into his hand without a stop. He eventually pulls away from Jim, as he was afraid he might sprayed on him because of how the sneezes were powerful.

“Pppp-pIssshhhIIUH ! Huhhh-hurrSHUH ! Ah...ATSHUH! Huh...Hhh-HUHTISHHHIEW-tssHUUUH ! Oh...Oh nno-Oh ! TSHUUUUH ! Eh...Eh-EH ! EHPSSSHIEW ! ETSSSSHUH ! J-jeez..."

He took his breath away, take a deep breath again and let go a big sneeze "AAAKSHIIIEW !" that seemed to cleared his sinuses for now. Then he took his last tissue and blew his nose happily.

"Bless you lo...Matt."

Matt frowned as he thought he heard the beginning of something else, but didn't said anything. He thanks Jim and came back to him.

"Are you okay ?"

"Perfectly find." he said, pinching his nose slightly.

"Then can you...Explain to me what the hell where you doing looking in his paws ?"

Matt smiled quickly.

"Put the light on me."

And Jim did.

"On my hand" Matt clarified.

Jim dimmed the light. Matt opened his clenched fist and Jim saw the ring. His ring. The stone and shine that turned blue or green depending on the lighting. He suddenly felt very moved.

And he shivered violently, causing him to drop his phone. Everything seemed to want to fall today. Matt ducked down with him to pick it up and since he was a little faster than Jim he found himself stupidly giving him his phone after picking it up. They quickly stood up but their heads bumped doing so. They let out a groan of pain at the same time and fell on their butts. That made Jim laughed. It was a quick, nervous and light laugh at the same time. Matt cracked a smile. He let escaped a giggled hearing Jim laughed. He massaging the point of impact on his own forehead with exaggeration. But they calmed down quickly too. Matt held out his hand to Jim.

"There you go."

Jim took the ring. For a second he stayed almost frozen and Matt thought he was going to sneeze or say something but no. With the light of Jim's phone he saw Jim putting back the ring on his finger.

And then the hazel eyes full of gratitude, Jim smiled and softly said.

"Thank you so much."

"You're welcome." smiled Matt.

"Sorry if I was harsh on you. I was so worried that I might have lose it..." apologized Jim.

"Well we did find it." murmured Matt.

"You did. You crazy...Crazy man. Thank you" repeated Jim, very grateful.

"Well…Billy was an unexpected helper actually" teased Matt, as he was getting emotional, his eyes stung a little.

"To thought I lost it...I couldn't have slept all night" confessed genuinely Jim.

Jim looked down and played with his thumb to spin the ring around his finger with an almost childlike joy. Then Matt felt like a flush of heat invade him and take his whole body. It wasn't the heat from his allergies that sometimes warmed his face or burned his nose. It was a warmth that made him blush and speed up his heartbeat. Then he felt something burning yet liquid coming down his cheeks. He started crying silently as he couldn't really hold his tears right now.

Jim was so relieved and happy to have his ring again. The thought that he might never find her again had driven him mad for a bit. Matt sniffed discreetly. Jim rummaged in his pockets but didn't find any tissues. He looked at Matt, as he was going to offer to go home but then completely forgot everything he had in mind as he saw Matt crying.

"Are you hurt ?" he asked, with a concerned tone.

Matt shook his head negatively. He wiped cheeks with a cuff and sniffed softly.

"No...I'm fine, really I'm just..."

A sob cut him. He chuckled nervously. And sniffed again.

"...Sorry. Snfff-It seems...Well I think I needed to let that out."

"Your allergies huh ?" mumbled Jim, sorry for Matt.

Matt chuckled nervously again.

"I...Wouldn't said that, no."

Jim frowned. He was confused. Matt's voice seemed softer than usual, almost as if it were turned off. Matt sniffed again.

"I guess I'm just a bit emotional tonight" he confessed.

He stood up and patted his clothes as if dusting them. Then he sniffed again.

"Ugh and I'm sorry if I'm sniffing that much...Guess Billy's fur is still triggering me."

Jim looked at him with surprise.

"It's ok" he said in a reassuring tone.

They both didn’t say anything for a few seconds.

"I was pretty moved myself too." he confessed.

Matt nodded. He felt relieved. Acknowledging his emotions with Jim wasn't that hard. And maybe that was the hardest thing to do. How could he forget that with Jim it was always easier to show his emotions ? What a waste of time and frustration stored up for nothing !

"Let's go inside" suggested Jim.

"Right. You're cold." realized Matt.

"You must be the one who's cold" replied Jim, feeling a bit guilty of taking advantage of the warmth of Matt's jacket.

Matt was about to shrugged but remembered to speak instead.

"Really Jim, I'm fine. But let's go back. I'll get my things and go."

As they started to walk back to the building Jim out his hand against his face and had the longest build up ever. Matt felt an immense surge of compassion hearing it.

"Huh...HHHH ! HHH-hhuh...Ha...Ha...Huh...HHHhhh...Eh...Eh...Huh...Hhhhh...G-uh...Hhhh...HHHH...!"

And then Jim, tortured by the feeling, knew he should sneeze more freely to relieved his poor nose. He couldn't bring himself to do it though and he stifled his sneeze but it was so powerful that he escaped him totally and no matter how hard he pinched his nose, his sneeze flew through the air freely.

"Hhhh'uurSHOO!"

It was right as they entered the lobby, so it made a loud echo, and Matt, who was holding the door for Jim, distinctly saw the light spray in the light escaping Jim's fingers. Jim blushed. He wiped his nose, running his index finger gently under it to make sure there was no snot. But even if the sneeze felt very wet there was not such a mess. Then he felt Matt's gaze on him and looked up.

"Excuse me."

"Bless you Jim." said kindly Matt, then he looked at the elevator and grimaced "Stairs right ?"

"Obviously" answered Jim.

They both hated taking the elevator. They walked up the four floors in silence. Jim was behind Matt. He could see the muscles in his back, his swimmer muscles, emerging nicely through his T-shirt. He tried to look away but his gaze was irresistibly drawn to this detail. He was almost relieved when they got to the top. Jim opened the door and took Matt's jacket off and put it in the closet once again. Matt hesitated to say anything to him. Jim turned to Matt, covering a little yawn.

"...Sorry. I'm really tired so I guess I'm going straight to bed."

"No problem I'm out" said Matt, trying to think how he was going to get his jacket back as Jim stood in front of the wardrobe.

"I thought you could actually sleep here." said Jim.

Matt's eyes widened at Jim's suggestion.

"N-No I don't want to get in your way."

"Come on" insisted Jim, "I wouldn't propose to you if it bothered me."

Matt was still a little hesitant. But at the same time, he had an appointment early the next morning at the place where he was volunteering, and it was near here.

"Well then..."

Jim nodded.

"Just help me unfold the sofa please" he said.

And Matt nodded. They walked back into the living room and Jim started tugging at one end of the couch while Matt held the frame. Matt frowned when he saw Jim go, as he was a bit brutal in his actions.

"Jim, take it easy" Matt advised him.

"I know what I'm doing" replied Jim, wanting to do it too quickly because his back was really starting to hurt him. And his heartache was getting worse too, he just wanted to sink into his bed at this point.

Matt didn't dare add anything, but what had to happen happened : a deaf noise sounded and the sofa sagged suddenly, as Jim had just broken it. Jim remained motionless for a moment, then he rubbed his back gently with a grimace.

"Shit"

Matt was surprised. He was the one who tended not to be careful. Seeing Jim break something was really surprising.

"Wait, I'll try to see what I can do" he said, unintentionally touching Jim as he approached the couch.

Jim felt a shiver down his spine. He stiffened and sneezed against his arm a desesperate and quick "T'sshhhuh!".

"Bless" mumbled Matt who was realizing the couch was so saggy that the springs were now poking through the fabric, making it impossible for anyone to lie on it or even sit on it.

Matt sat up.

"I think it's dead. Don't worry, I'm going." he said calmly.

Jim winced.

"Matt I'm so..."

"Hey there" cutted gently Matt "Don't worry, this couch was so old anyways that this would have happened one day or another…”

Jim winced again, but this time from the pain his aching back was inflicting on him. Matt looked at him.

"Go lie down and rest your back."

"How..." frowned Jim.

How could Matt have guessed ? Matt smiled.

"You're all stiff, my d..." but he cutted himself, correcting himself "You're all stiff and your efforts to hide have make you winced for a while now. Please just go rest yourself, I'm hurt just looking at you"

Jim felt something melting on him as he heard Matt. He had forgotten that he could hardly hide things from him, but it must also be said that Matt had an eye for spotting physical pain, probably because he could sometimes overdo it as he swimmed during multiple hours multiple days of the weeks. Jim didn't think much.

"Stay" he simply said in a whisper.

[Privatedancer]

On 8/12/2023 at 3:15 PM, Lily said:

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!    Oh thank God (well in the words of Matt, why bring God into this when I am not really believing…) but thank you Lily!  I am sooooo thrilled they are turning the corner!

[dwaekki]

Thank god they found the ring 😭😭 and also maybe thank god that that sofa broke... You can really tell that both Jim and Matt both still love and care so much for each other, I just hope they can have a healthy, happy relationship again soon without too many more obstacles 😔 it makes me sad to see them hurting even if they're made up haha. Your use of blessings is a really amazing way to show the softness and care that is still hiding behind both characters, and I don't know how much of this hiding and melancholy I can take anymore 😭😭 Thank you for another great chapter (and the stifles haha) but please give me some more hope and happiness some time soon! 💔🤞

[Not Telling]

2 hours ago, Lily said:

Did you read Pride and Prejudice ? At the end of the novel, Darcy says to Elizabeth that when she said to him that has « he had been acting more in a gentleman-like manner » (or something of the kind) it tortured him so much after it, and I guess your comment on the abuse stuck in my head for hours, and even if I didn’t tortured myself towards it, I was thinking and rethinking my characters and their actions soooo much ! It’s so sad to think that they are so many levels of abuse, and maybe I was a bit blind by my ideas to see if Matt was actually abusive. 

Love how deep it made me think about it though, so thank you, as always, to be that thoughtful ❤️

I love Pride and Prejudice, I have read it at minimum 10 times. Such a good correlation. I think because of media, and movies we have a certain notion of what abuse looks like and we fail to remember or aren't even aware to the fact that abuse can be a lot more subtle but isn't any less impactful. Thank you for being so open, receptive, willing to consider an outside perspective and thoughtful as well. ❤️ Of course your story is lovely and brilliant and you give justice to so much of the situation they are in. This chapter especially.

It truly feels like how two partners that are uneven footing and are uncertain about their future interact around each other. Like both of them obviously don't want to give the other up but they're still at a crossroads, both unsure of how they should act. I feel like a fly on the wall watching this play out in real life. I know it's been said before but your writing and dialogue and characters are so realistic. I also really liked that Matt was the more tentative one here, as he probably should be, but it was nice to see. 

Gah and both of them defaulting to and almost using their old endearments for each other just got me so emotional! 

I hope they have a heart to heart soon and really lay out what the next steps for them are, what their expectations are, institute clear boundaries, all that jazz. 

A heart-wrenching but beautiful chapter! Thank you as always for your marvelous work. 

[2SHY222]

Oh my goodness Billy to the rescue! 🥰. I do hope Matt gets to take care of Jim. Sometimes when one is sick it's easier to talk about hard stuff. Hopefully they make up soon. I love them. 

[Lily]

salut salut

@Privatedancer I know right ? Well they’re still so slow but at the same time, they need to take things slowly. 

@dwaekki They both care and love the other deeply. I think what’s difficult for them is to trust themselves to go on as before. Like Jim is not very confident, and Matt is kind of a wreck in this area. Using sneezes/blessings to show how they care ? My passion. ❤️ Hope this chapter will answering your expectations, and I don’t plan to stop anytime soon.

@Not Telling

On 8/15/2023 at 1:57 AM, Not Telling said:

I love Pride and Prejudice, I have read it at minimum 10 times. Such a good correlation.

I’m glad you see what I mean 💜

On 8/15/2023 at 1:57 AM, Not Telling said:

I think because of media, and movies we have a certain notion of what abuse looks like and we fail to remember or aren't even aware to the fact that abuse can be a lot more subtle but isn't any less impactful.

exactly

On 8/15/2023 at 1:57 AM, Not Telling said:

I also really liked that Matt was the more tentative one here, as he probably should be, but it was nice to see. 

yay it's a side of him we didn't saw much, because he's always pretending like is way more confident than he actually his, and also, he wants to make things right

On 8/15/2023 at 1:57 AM, Not Telling said:

Gah and both of them defaulting to and almost using their old endearments for each other just got me so emotional! 

I love this so much in tv series/movies/books I had to do it. And I could really picturing them being like that. 

@2SHY222Well the title of the story is actually Billy so he had to be the special guest of this chapter 😺💛

 

15 hours ago, 2SHY222 said:

I do hope Matt gets to take care of Jim. Sometimes when one is sick it's easier to talk about hard stuff. Hopefully they make up soon. I love them. 

Hihi you’ll see 🤭

 

thanks everyone 🥰
now let's make that cuter ? idk I think I tried you tell me

I love them it's insane how much I'm feeling invested in these guys 😭
 

6 – If I wasn’t sick

The word almost escaped his lips, but the truth was Jim didn't want Matt to leave. It was already very late, and he blamed himself for breaking their couch. Well actually, it was the one Matt had brought back from his first apartment. Matt frowned slightly. Maybe he didn't hear Jim well, was his first thought.

"Sorry ?"

"Stay" repeated Jim, then he cleared his throat and added "You can sleep with me. I'm so tired I'm going to fall asleep right away anyway."

"But..."

"It's so late, I don't want you to come at your...At...Whatever place you lived right now."

"Hey, it's a nice place." protested Matt.

"I hope so. But where is it?"

So far.

"Sure you don't mind ?" still hesistated Matt, as he was afraid Jim was just asking to be polite.

Jim rolled his eyes.

"Again, why would I propose that if I minded ?"

"Yes...No, of course, didn't mean to implied you...But...Well, ok" Matt capitulated, feeling his heart pounding.

But he calmed down right away, as he knew that was just Jim, sweet, consider Jim who was speaking. Nothing more than that. There was nothing to imagine or hope for. Matt was perfectly aware of that.

"Great" said Jim, who actually looked relieved.

And they both went to the bathroom to brush their teeth. It was a bit awkward, brushing their teeths at the same time, a simple yet a bit intimate moment too. They kept glancing at themselves in the mirror. At one point, they looked at each other at the same time and Jim, if he didn't look away, had a glimpse of nervousity in his eyes, like he was embarrassed to be caught up looking at Matt. Matt had the crazy idea of pretending to fall asleep, leaning his head a little forward and closing his eyes, as if he was fighting against sleep. It was so unexpected and comical that Jim bursted out laughing, spitting a bit of the toothpaste in the mirror and the sink. He coughed a little and put his hand to his mouth.

"Damn it Matt...!" but his voice was still full of his laughter.

This laugh. Matt loved it so much he knew he could have done just about anything to hear it over and over again.

"What ?" he said innocently, his mouth full of toothpaste.

And Jim burst out laughing. His laugh contaminated Matt who spat out the toothpaste to laugh too. They then looked in the mirror smiling, but they both lost their smiles as Jim stifled a very cute sneeze "Iiiii'tsssshiiiuh !" against his fist, and Matt blessed him with a tender tone, his gaze becoming both tender and worried.

"Thanks. I'm such a mess" blushed Jim, washing his mouth and splashing some water on his face.

"Not even a bit" said Matt, taking Jim's towel and handing it to him.

Jim thanked Matt again and took the towel. He wiped his face and sneezed without a sound in it, even if Matt, who had a well-trained ear, heard a tiny "Gnn'shhuh!" and a little moan as Jim probably hurted himself trying to be discreet. Matt decided to pretend he hadn't heard anything to not make Jim embarrassed, and rinsed his mouth out. Then he took off his glasses, placed them on the rim and splashed water on his face. As he looked up, turning to grab a towel, he bumped into Jim who had come over to hand him a towel.

"Oops" muttered Matt.

"There you go" said Jim, holding out the towel.

And Matt picked up the towem, whispering a "Thanks" his fingers brushing Jim's for last than a second. He buried his face that was probably so red at this point and wiped it. When he took his head out of the towel, Jim was already gone to bed. Matt took the time to calm his very mixed emotions right now, left his glasses on the ledge and stared intently at himself in the mirror.

Okay. Calm down. You're just laying beside him. And he's just adorable, but that's not the point. Be gentle. Behave yourself you idiot. Just calm down. It's just for tonight. He needs some rest. Stop babbling. Just behave yourself. Stop blushing. Just be silent. Be yourself. Not too much though. Let him rest. And take care of him. Because Jim, dearest Jim, is not feeling very well. So stop being useless. Find something !

He sighed and prayed mentally that they both will find sleep easily and get to the bedroom. Jim was already lying down and had closed his eyes. The light was dim. Matt turned his back on the bed and took his clothes off quickly. Jim opened his eyes and saw Matt's bare, beautifully sculpted back, his skin scorched from the sun, covered in freckles...Matt turned and Jim closed his eyes right away. Matt slipped into bed taking care to go to the opposite end of the bed. He turned off the light.

"Good night" Jim whispered wearily.

"Good night" murmured Matt.

But it was impossible to get to sleep at this point. What Matt didn't know is that Jim, who seemed to be deeply asleep, couldn't sleep at all too. They hadn't slept together for so long, and usually they always fell asleep in each other's arms. Not in this silly position, back to back, both at extreme sides of the bed. Matt knew he needed to sleep, as he had to wake up early in the morning, but he just couldn't. He tried to think of nice things to relax when he heard a little rub agains't the fabric and then…Jim sneezed.

"Hhh-hhh-xxxsssh' !...Huh...Huppshhh'mm...Hhh-GNNSH'mm..."

Even if he tried to muted them, there was such silence that Matt could only hear them. He hesitated to bless Jim, knowing that his intention was surely to be discreet. But he heard Jim sniffed lightly and then whispered.

"Matt ? Are you awake?"

"Yes lo...Jim. You need anything ?"

"I...UHSHuuuh !" he sneezed in his palm with despair "Sorry to wake you up, do you have tissues on your side ?"

Matt had already grabbed some tissues he had spotted on his bedside table. He picked one up in the dark and handed it to Jim.

"Here"

"Th-ah-apssshhh'! HAPSH-shuuh !" sneezed very quickly Jim, the first time managing to stifling it, the second time right into the tissue.

"Aaand bless you" said lightly Matt, even thought it couldn't quite hide a concerned tone.

Matt couldn't help but feeling worried for Jim. He never sneezed that much. But maybe the stifling didn't help. That's why Matt never stifled them; it was hurtful and also he felt like he never could relieve the burning sensation of a sneeze being stuck up. And obviously, Matt had a lot less control than Jim. Jim blew his nose and muffled a little "Tiii-tiiishuuuh !" in it, the he growned a bit and blew his nose again. He let himself fall back on the mattress, sighing.

"Thank you. Sorry again."

"Sorry ? About what ?" genuinely asked Matt, also lying down after taking the rest of the tissues which he slipped under his pillow, just in case.

"For waking you up."

"Oh...Oh I wasn't actually sleeping. Don't worry."

"I'm a mess." sighed Jim.

"Stop saying that. You caught a cold, that's it." said firmly Matt, refraining from tucking Jim in.

"I did-ihsHHHUH !" sneezed loudly Jim and freely too. But he was getting too tired anyways.

"Bless you. Got more tissues if you want." Matt offered.

"Since when did you start blessing people that much ?" almost teased Jim.

Well I'm not, I only care to bless you actually, thought Matt.

"Sorry, do you find it weird ?" Matt wondered, knowing that if he was the one sneezing Jim would have probably blessed him all night long. Because that was just his way.

"No I...It's just une-une-uneeeEEKsshuhhh ! Ugh..." sighed Jim, who had barely covered his sneeze.

He blew his nose and put the tissue away.

"...Unexpected from you. It's strangely sweet and comforting in a way." Jim thought aloud.

Matt didn't quite know what to answer. He stayed silent, playing with a side of his pillow. Jim realized what he had just said.

"I d-didn't mean that you weren't a sweet person" he almost stuttered.

Matt frowned, a bit confused. Jim was red as a poppy but fortunately for him, the lights were still off.

"I mean...You're not sweet...I mean...Like..."

He sighed, feeling like a perfect idiot stuttering.

"I'm not making any sense am I ?"

"You're tired" replied gently Matt, wanting so much to say a lot more than this, but feeling it wasn't appropriate.

Jim smiled shyly. He forgot how Matt could sometimes find all the excuses in the world to help him not feeling stupid.

"What keeps you from sleeping ?" he wondered.

Matt weighed the pros and cons of being honest and ended up deciding to tell Jim the truth.

"Being with you is not helping. I don't mean to be ungrateful, it's just feeling a bit weird."

There was a long silence and Matt cursed himself for opening his mouth. He was thinking about how else he could express his discomfort, but Jim spoke first.

"It's weird for me too, Matt."

"Really ?" asked Matt, relieved and pained at the same time.

"Yes, of course it is. I'm used to sleep alone. Or to sleep in your arms. I don't know any middle ground.", said Jim, encouraged to confess because of how Matt was honest and seemed acknowledging his emotions. Plus the dark helped, as he didn't have to support Matt's intense gaze.

Matt felt the exact same way as Jim.

"Yes" he mumbled, then speaking a bit louder "I feel the same. I...Falling asleep in your arms was a habit of mine."

One of my favorite habits he didn't added, as, once again, he didn't want to embarrassed Jim. He didn’t knew how Jim was actually thinking that one of his favorite habits was waking up in Matt's arms. There was another silence. Both had scenes that came to mind and felt suddenly a familiar tension, not a bad one, actually. They wanted to say so much at this point, but they both felt it was not the time...Or perhaps it was? It was hard to say.

"If I wasn't sick...Cause maybe you're right and I did catch something, I wouldn't mind to take you into my arms you know. Just for helping us both to get some sleep" said Jim.

Matt swallowed. Damn it, Jim. Why would you say something like this to me ?  His heart seemed to speed up the pace of his thinking.

"Mmm. Yes, if you weren't sick."

"Yep" said Jim, emphasizing a bit on the "p", getting agitated a bit.

"On the other hand, I mean I'm not a doctor in any ways but you know, maybe you're not sick, maybe you just have an allergy" said quickly Matt.

"Oh yes, maybe you're right" whispered Jim.

Another silence. Then Matt heard a scraping noise against the bed, felt Jim's movement and then, not understanding how such a thing could be possible, he felt Jim's body against his, his arms sliding around him and bringing him back against him. Jim felt how warm Matt's face even if Jim wore a tshirt, Matt didn’t so Jim could almost felt Matt’s skin against the fabric of his teeshirt.

"Are you okay ?" asked Jim in almost a tiny tone which contrasted with his usual deep voice.

"Better" whispered Matt.

"We'll probably fall asleep soon now" encouraged Jim.

"Yes, very soon" whispered Matt, so grateful to be here, into these arms.

They both breathed a bit louder than before but then they calmed down. Their legs entangled softly. Matt leaned his head against Jim's shoulder. Jim felt Matt's curls on his cheeks. They were soft, smelling honey and citrus. He inhaled softly, but as his nose was a bit encumbered, he snorted lightly, and felt he was so busted right now. Matt actually heard him smelling his hair and even though it didn't bother him the least bit, he blushed, as he was actually smelling Jim's skin, a woody, heady smell. Then Matt felt Jim's breathing quicken, and a little gasp escaped his mouth.

"Huh...Huh...Hhhh..."

Matt knew Jim was going to sneeze but didn't move. Jim was actually being triggered by Matt's sweet curls, as they were tickling his nose.

"Hhh-M-Maa...Mmm...Mmm'uh-GNishhh'shuh !" sneezed Jim, stifling it as best he could, against Matt's hair.

"Bless you Jimmy." whispered Matt.

"So-sorry I sneezed on you" Jim apologized, frustrated.

"I don’t care." said gently Matt.

You could sneeze on me all night long, cough on me, spit on me...All that don't matter, I'm in your arms my dear Jim, and that's just so nice that I have no reason to complain.

Jim snorted lightly. Matt lifted his head slightly.

"You need another tissue?"

"Huh-PSHHHuuuhh !" Jim sneezed uncontrollably, unable to hold it back.

"I'll take that as a yes" softly added Matt, as he felt a cool spray on his face due to Jim's sneeze, just a little though, and also smelling a sweet smell, a very intimate smell that made him shivered.

He slipped his hand under the pillow and took out a clean tissue which he gave to Jim. He felt Jim's ring against his, and then "HU-TSHHIEW !" loudly muffled in the tissue. Jim was mortified. He sneezed so loud. Also, he was sure he sneezed on Matt, which made him so self-concious...He blew his nose and that made a sound he found so ridiculous he wanted to disappear.

"Bless you. I'm sorry you catc...Sorry about your allergy" said Matt softly.

Jim lets out a nervous chuckled.

"Right. My allergy."

"Are you okay ?" asked Matt, getting a bit desperate as the thought he was being so useless right now.

"Yes lo...Matt. I'm ok. Sorry...I mean thank you." said Jim, wiping his nose clumsily.

And they resumed their position, Jim trying to wedge his head in such a way that he was not borrowed with Matt's hair anymore. Matt closed his eyes. Jim too.

"Matt?" whispered Jim.

"Mmm?"

"How did you know...That the cat was Billy?"

Matt opened his eyes. Uh-oh.

"What?"

"You said his name quickly, almost like if you recognized it and I'm trying to think about it but...In fact you never saw the cat before so...How could you know it was him?"

Matt blushed. Jim was a detective now?

"Didn't you...Ehm...Said his name ?"

"Maybe" conceded Jim "But I really think you said it before me...Oh, I'm so tired, I probably not making any sense."

Matt smiled. That was a close one.

"I was happy when I found out he was being bring back by some guy to a shelter on the other side of the park. It's a nice place although it's so expensive." said Jim.

Matt smiled. He was the one who brought Billy back to the shelter place of course. But Jim couldn't know that. What was the point ? As long as he was happy.

"And he can go visit everyone in the park which is nice too as there is a lot of kids from the building who loves him" he concluded.

"UhTha-that’ssss-IShuuuH !" sneezed Matt in his hand, then breathed "Excuse me, that’s nice"

"Bless you" murmured Jim against Matt's temple, feeling how easy it could be, to just left a kiss here.

Matt felt Jim heart pounding a bit quicker suddenly. He sniffed softly.

"Snnnnffff...Matt what's that smell..." Jim asked in whisper after inhaling Matt's smell, bewitched.

"Is it still bothering you?" Worried Matt.

"Nuh-Uh..." replied weakly Jim as I was fighting his urge to sneeze.

"Cause I can..."

"Uppkshuuuh !" sneezed Jim against his pillow.

He exhaled loudly.

"Uh...Sorry couldn't keep that one."

"Bless. Please don't hold them...I'm sca...I'm a bit scared you're going to hurt yourself" murmured Matt, giving Jim another tissue.

Jim frowned a little. He was hurting himself. But he couldn't let it go, which was silly, given how much Matt didn't care about spraying sneezes. Jim always kinda admirated how relaxed Matt was concerning sneezing, and had always be natural about it, even with Jim’s particular affection towards sneezing…No, Jim didn’t want to think about that. He blew his nose but was so tired now. He left the tissue in his hand, a hand he relaxed totally. Matt understand Jim was going to fall asleep anytime soon, so he took the tissue from Jim’s hand. Doing so, he was surprised by a strong sneeze he managed to catch in the same tissue used by Jim.

'Huh-PSHIIUUUH !' and then he moaned slightly.

"Bless you." said Jim after a little shiver of surprise.

"Th-Shhhuuuh !" sneezed quietly Matt in the tissue, blew his nose – because well, he didn’t care about the little wetness or the fact Jim used it – and thanks Jim.

Jim yawned a little. Matt sighed softly, but it was from contentment.

"It's my mom's perfume" suddenly murmured Matt.

"Of course it is..." realized Jim.

That smell, he had already smelled it. That’s why it was so familiar. This secret garden's kind of smell…How could Jim had forget ? Few years ago, before their wedding, Matt showed Jim the old shed where Mary - his mother - used to hang out with younger friends. He did it as the shed was going to be destroyed to build a school. They were still some small objects, clothes, photographs there. And the scent. An amazing scent that filled the room. Jim and Matt had been trying to find the scent for days after that, but couldn't. That Matt managed to find him was pretty incredible and Jim realized he was frustrated that he didn't knew that. That Matt didn't tell him that. Also Jim was pretty much sure that Matt had something to do with Billy but couldn't figure this one out. And Matt seemed to have such an intense life right now...Jim wanted to know. It wasn't just curious. It was pure interest. He missed hearing Matt talking. Sharing.

"I love this smell." whispered Jim.

"Me too" Matt whispered but he was actually thinking of Jim's scent as he spoke.

Well it's a rather innocent little lie, thought Matt.

Jim felt perfectly fine now. He no longer felt sick at all. His back was slowly relaxing. The warmth emanating from Matt's body soothed him. It was great. And not as awkward as he had thought. It was Matt's body. This familiar body, although a bit skinnier and muscular. But Jim didn't mind of course. He was relieved. They could talk and be together in a way he liked. Calm. Sweet. Kind. He had the impression to find the Matt of the beginning of their relationship. Maybe even sweeter.

Matt felt incredibly great too. He felt Jim's hand on his shoulder, and the pleasant scent of his skin mingling with his. And Jim's soft breathing. And the warmth that emanated from his mouth when he spoke to him. And his heart so close to him. Feelings that he had missed so much. And this physical intimacy was reinforced by the emotion he felt towards Jim. Or rather the mixture of emotions. Love, because obviously, Matt couldn't help it, he loved Jim and had never stopped loving him, but also a surge of tenderness and compassion, of attachment to each part of his being that right now at the simple idea he could be not near him was almost in heartbreak. He was worried for his health and he wanted to catch Jim's coldhe cold if that could cured him. He wished to be a better caretaker. And how he wanted to listen to Jim talking, as he missed his deep voice, soothing him to the bottom of his soul. He sighed softly, feeling that Jim was falling asleep. That was a good thing. He thought of the emotion at the idea of the lost ring. A ring Jim seemed so desperate to have lost. He felt his eyes sting slightly. He closed his eyes and felt Jim squeeze him a little tighter. He also tightened his grip and they both shivered a little.

They both whished "Good night love" to the other, but none of them actually dared to said that out loud.

[Privatedancer]

Lovely 🥰 I do hope they open up more and more though as honest communication is an important growth area for both of them.  I look forward to seeing Matt demonstrate his growth from therapy in being a kinder, calmer, gentler Matt who can express his feelings .  That said, I am loving the shyness around each other too.

[dwaekki]

I'm gonna cry 😭😭 this was too special- all the subtle touches and loving gazes and comments 💔. It's almost like we're back to before 🥲. I hope this is a little insight as to what's to come a bit later to their relationship- it seems that slowly but surely they are once again realising why they love each other so much and maybe reconciling? I'm glad to hear you have a lot more to write because I'm loving every word and although I hate that Jim's gone back to being so timid, I'll say it again and again just how much I love stifles (and how sneezy Jim was for a change in this chapter- I'd love to see matt try to stifle some time but I don't know how that would come up haha). Thank you for sharing your talent Lily, you really are one of the best on here ❤️

[Not Telling]

Stunning! Exquisite! Lovely! As always. The way you are representing their slow healing and the way they're slowly reconciling and working towards something better than what they had before is so raw, so real, and so honest. I still think the tentativeness is just so sweet. And oh goodness, the whole "If I wasn't sick...." bit total meltdown! I don't know how I have still managed to be a solid being after reading your work and that I don't remain just a giant melted puddle. Jim's sneezes are always a treat and we got a whole host of them in this chapter! ❤️ 

19 hours ago, Lily said:

"It's so late, I don't want you to come at your...At...Whatever place you lived right now."

"Hey, it's a nice place." protested Matt.

"I hope so. But where is it?"

So far.

"Sure you don't mind ?" still hesistated Matt,

I am still a bit wary of Matt's reticence and evasiveness. I understand that maybe without the assured certainty of the future of their relationship he is balking about sharing things but that was part of the problem to begin with. I'm not sure Jim is going to feel fully confident Matt doesn't try to hide his feelings and continues to hide behind facades, or evade certain conversations and questions. It's a bit of a conundrum - Matt needs the assurance of their relationship to fully open up while Jim needs to assurance of Matt's openness before he's fully willing to assert their future. One of them needs to take the leap, and it really should be Matt. Jim's done a lot of the trust falling and jumping in this relationship.  If Jim is asking he needs to be willing to show some openness and vulnerability. 

19 hours ago, Lily said:

"It's my mom's perfume" suddenly murmured Matt.

"Of course it is..." realized Jim.

That smell, he had already smelled it. That’s why it was so familiar. This secret garden's kind of smell…How could Jim had forget ? Few years ago, before their wedding, Matt showed Jim the old shed where Mary - his mother - used to hang out with younger friends. He did it as the shed was going to be destroyed to build a school. They were still some small objects, clothes, photographs there. And the scent. An amazing scent that filled the room. Jim and Matt had been trying to find the scent for days after that, but couldn't.

*GASP* I knew there was more to the perfume!! Yay, an open-end closed. 

20 hours ago, Lily said:

He wished to be a better caretaker. And how he wanted to listen to Jim talking, as he missed his deep voice, soothing him to the bottom of his soul.

He really should tell Jim these things. Make it clear that he wants to be this and more and everything Jim deserves. If he struggles in certain areas he should also be better about asking rather than trying to guess what Jim needs. Something like "I'm not sure what to do right now, how can I help?" or "I'm here for you what do you need from me?" This is positive communication it demonstrates that he is there and wants to be there and that he cares, it also allows Jim the power to say what he needs in a specific moment which I think would be extremely helpful for both of them. It gives Matt pause before blindly reacting and it allows Jim the space to assert himself, something he hasn't been allowed to do hitherto with some of the most defining and impactful relationships of his life: first with his father then with Matt to a degree.

20 hours ago, Lily said:

They both whished "Good night love" to the other, but none of them actually dared to said that out loud.

Awwww!!! Again I'm melting! (I'm starting to feel like the wicked which of the west haha) Though, they're both going to have to communicate this (and more) at some point. I've commented a lot here about Matt needing to be open and willing to share but they both have a shared responsibility of needing to communicate better together and with each other.  

Merci de cette chef-d'œuvre! C'est une histoire qui me tient a couer. <3. 

[Lily]

7 – Things we said and things we do (1/2)

soon after midnight

They both had fallen asleep in each other's arms. How they missed this was just insane. Now they felt perfectly great. No embarrassment. Just pure affection that had made them go back to that habit they had suffered at night away from each other.

01:09

Jim felt like he had just fallen asleep when he felt the urge to sneeze. That was just the worst sensation ever, as he was comfortably curled up in Matt's arms and felt his body warming his own, the latter's peacefulness influencing him, soothing him. He very slowly freed his hand from Matt's curls, being careful not to pull his hair as he went, and brought it to his face, inhaling desperately, trying to concentrate but that was just really hard. The feeling of irritation was unbearable. He sneezed four times in a row, managing to suppress them without a sound but that was just a torture as it only reinforced the tickle. He inhaled desperately and sneezed again, that time, letting out wet, muffled little sounds, "Hhhh-pssh…Uh…Hhhh-TSHH’mm ! Huuuhhh-Tissshiiiuh !"

Matt moved. Jim froze, taking his hand off for a moment to get some air but it immediately made him sneeze, a harsh wet sneeze he managed to half stifling "HHH-K'sssSHUH !". He let out a small moan after it. Matt now moved more.

"Jimmy ?" he asked in a sleepy voice.

"Sorry...Uh...No...No...Gunna...Sneeze...Ag-agaAASHUH !" Jim sneezed more loudly that he wanted to, covering his face with his hand.

Matt sat up slightly.

"Bless you love. Can I help ?" asked Matt, worried, not even realized the love that had come out of his mouth.

"It...Still...Tickling...F-fuck I'm sorry I wak-keeEEESHIEW !" sneezed again Jim into his hand, then sniffing wetly.

"Bless you" said Matt again, and he got up, got out of bed, staggering slightly in the dark and without glasses.

He went out into the hallway and went to get in his bag a new pack of tissues and two tissue handkerchiefs that Jim had given him. He could hear Jim sneeze from the bedroom, loud and desesperate sneezes "HUP-SHOO ! Huhhh-TSHIIUH ! HishiiiIIIEW !". He returned to the bedroom, turned on a dim light, but the light triggered Jim's poor sensitive nose who sneezed a high-pitched sneeze into his cupped hands "AARSHIEW !". Matt sat on the edge of the bed and handed Jim his handkerchief.

"Bless you. Here."

Jim looked miserable. He took the handkerchief and blew his nose. Then he looked at Matt in a sorry way. Her hazel eyes were tearful.

"Sor..."

"Stop apologizing" cutted Matt softly.

Jim looked down at Matt's shirtless and bited his lips softly. Matt shyly ran his hand over Jim's forehead.

"You're a bit warm" he mumbled in a concerned tone.

"Really ? C-cause Im' so c-cold..." Jim stammered.

"I'll make you some tea with honey" Matt decided, ready to get up, but Jim gently grabbed his arm.

"No, please just...Just stay." softly Jim.

Matt looked up into Jim's eyes.

"Who allowed you to have such incredible eyes" sighed Jim, completely dazzled by the heterochromia of Matt's gaze, the magnificent blue and green that he seemed to rediscover.

Matt blushed. Jim had always complimented his eyes, but that was just so unexpected right now that he felt his cheeks turning red in a second.

"What...J-jeez you definetely have some fever" he chuckled nervously. Jim hadn't let go of his arm.

Jim simply smiled. Making Matt embarrassed acknowledging his beauty, which Matt seemed to care so little about, was a guilty pleasure of his, and he couldn't help doing it. Although right now it was merely a genuine finding ; Matt had the most beautiful eyes he ever met. But as he shivered, Matt frowned.

"Sure you don't want tea ?"

"I only want you...I mean I only want to lie down with you." muttered Jim, blushing a little bit.

Matt noded. Jeez, he was blushing still. He stood up and returned to the bed, laying down and opening his arms.

"Then come here."

Jim curled up in Matt's arms and sighed.

"Again, I'm..."

"Stop. I'm okay." mumbled Matt, hugging Jim after turning off the light.

"I wanted to say, thank you." said Jim, grateful to be here, in Matt's arms, being cared for by Matt.

"For what ?" said Matt, who was holding back from kissing Jim in the hair.

"You're so warm..." whispered Jim who was even warmer than Matt.

Matt swallowed. Then, very, very delicately, he dared to kiss Jim into his hair. Jim sighed softly.

"I'm perfectly fine now" Jim whispered.

"J-just, try to get some sleep okay ?" said Matt, inhaling gently Jim's scent.

"Are you...Are you fine too ?" asked Jim in a sleepy voice.

"Yes, my d-d...Dear Jim." Matt finally capitulated, as he really couldn't just say Jim's name without adding that sweet surname he had named Jim since they had been dating.

Jim smiled. He had missed that nickname, more than he thought. He hugged Matt a little closer and fell into Morpheus' arms quickly. Matt watched Jim but then fall asleep too.

2h14

"Huh...Huh... PsssSHiiiUH !" sneezed Matt in the quietest way possible.

Jim was still asleep. Matt hold his breath, his hand now covering his mouth. After a quick desperate inhale he sneezed again, but failed to stifling his sneeze correctly.

"Hhhh-ggnnn-shuuuuh !"

"Bless you love" whispered Jim, half asleep, gently rubbing his nose against Matt's neck.

Matt felt his heart quicken. What a stupid organ.

"T-thanks" he whispered.

"Mmm...Hope you're not catching my cold." worried Jim.

"I thought...We said it was allergy remember ?" teased gently Matt.

"Oh right. Of course." Jim whispered.

Matt smiled softly and snuggled into Jim's arms again.

"Sorry I wake you up"

"It's alright. And I'm...Huh...See...Need to s-sneeze too..."

Matt waited a few seconds, hearing Jim breathing quickly.

"Huh...Sorry...Haaa...Shit...C'mon...Ahhh...Hhhh...aaaAAtiiishuuuuh".

It was a free but quieter type of sneeze. Matt smiled softly.

"Sounds relieving." Matt commented.

"Ugh. Sorry I was that long." murmured Jim, wincing a bit as he knew he was being a bit dramatic.

"No worries." said Matt, and you could hear he was smiling as he said that, "Bless you." he added with fondness.

"Thank you." said Jim, feeling relieved and peaceful again, thanks to Matt.

4:38

Jim dreamed about Solal, his imaginary childhood friend. He was running after him as Solal was running at top speed, approaching a cliff, and even though Jim, in the dream, was running after him laughing, he felt he was scared. Arrived at the edge of the cliff, Solal turned and his silhouette lengthened, his face became blurred. He had a provocative smile, but sweet and terribly endearing. Jim knew, even if he couldn't see the face distinction, that Solal was now Matt. And Jim saw his silhouette dive in front of him, just as he came up to him.

Jim woke up with a little snort, heart pounding. Dawn was already lighting up the room. Matt slept well against him. A peaceful look on his face, the messy curls, his cute long, straight and slightly round at the end nose leaning against his chest. Jim felt reassured at this sight. He sat up a little, careful not to wake Matt, and then blew his nose discreetly. He watched Matt sleeping peacefully and leaning down slightly, he kissed Matt softly on the forehead.

"I miss you" he whispered to an asleep Matt.

Of course Matt didn't answer. He was deeply asleep.

"You idiot, I miss you so damn much, why don't you come more here ? It's your house as much as mine. It's ours. It's home. Why do you go in so many places without me ? Why don't you talk to me…And-and why are you so...So ...you ?" whispered Jim, frustrated and terribly taken up with his feelings for Matt.

Jim shook his head. He kissed Matt again, this time in the hair.

"Please come back to me." whispered Jim, getting emotional.

He lay back down and watched Matt sleep, before falling back to sleep again.

05:12

As they slept, Jim shivered because the blanket had slipped off. Matt stayed his eyes closed, but instinctively pulled the blanket up to cover Jim. The idea of him getting cold again was not possible. Not on his watch.

"Hhh-HH-hhh'tshuuuh ! Mmm..." sneezed softly Jim.

That was such a cute and relaxed sneeze, and Matt felt like a warm little wind on his face and a very light spray. He licked his lips unconsciously.

"Poor Jim…Bless you" he whispered.

Jim was still half asleep and only answered with a moan of contentment. And then he tightened his embrace. Matt melted from inside. But did closed his eyes and fall asleep again.

07:06

Matt woke up, as Jim had had a slight spasm in his sleep that was enough to wake him up. He yawned and saw Jim sleeping. He touched his forehead. Jim was back to his normal temperature. He sighed of relief. He wanted to go back to sleep but remained captivated by the face of Jim who was sleeping soundly, his mouth slightly parted, snoring softly.

"My guide, my Solal...It's really only with you that I feel like I know where I'm going and I'm completely lost" whispered Matt.

Jim snorted a little in his sleep but looked asleep.

"Oh dear...Bless you, dearest James, for entering in my life, and to be a part of it, even if it's just for now" whispered Matt.

And he lay back.

"I love you Jim, sorry, I can't help it, and I'm sorry if it's not what I do best, but I truly, deeply love you" confessed Matt, his eyes shining with fatigue and emotion.

Matt closed his eyes, letting some fatigue and emotional tears falling down his cheeks.

Jim had his eyes closed but bited his lips slightly. His heart was pounding.

A little while after

Matt woke up with a start. Damn, he was late. He escaped as gently as possible from Jim's embrace so as not to wake him up and put some water on to boil before heading to the shower. As soon as he got out, he dressed quickly and sped into the kitchen. He opened the fridge. He was pretty sure of it, but sighed in relief when he saw that the shopping had been done. Jim was so far-sighted and organized that he was the type to run errands regularly, even when he returned from a trip. Matt, even though he desperately wanted to, didn't have time for a coffee, as his priority was to make something for Jim. Matt made an omurice, a Japanese omelet filled with fried rice. He had found all the ingredients without difficulty, as he knew Jim's favorite breakfast was omurice. It was Jim who had taught him this recipe, certainly simple, but delicious. Matt cut the onion like if his life depended on it, sniffing and crying lightly because of it, then he took care of the carrots and mushrooms while the rice cooked. As delicious aromas filled the kitchen, Matt felt a tickle in his nose and sneezed in his elbow, turning away from the counter.

"HURSHOOO ! HHH-TSHUH ! He…HUPSHIEW !"

He sniffed slightly and looked up, shaking a very startled Jim in the doorway, hair disheveled, looking adorably confused. Barefoot, he wore a very baggy t-shirt and boxer shorts, and Matt had to stop himself from looking below the waistband.

"First of all…Bless you. And, hello…and" started Jim, still a little hazy from the sun – then he cocked his head to the side "No way…Did you…"

"Thanks" said Matt, turning to pour the omurice onto a plate "Sorry, probably not as good as yours and don't even try to make me utter it with your damn accent, but at least it's warm. Such a good timing my dear Jim."

And Matt handed the plate to Jim, blushing slightly. Jim took the plate, still very surprised. His eyes were shining.

"Matt that's so thoughtful, thank you…I was craving for it." he confessed.

"Don't you always crave for it in the morning ?" teased Matt.

Jim smiled.

"Well yes, and guess what ? I'm not even ashamed of it." he said in a light tone.

He took chopsticks. Matt smiles.

"How do you feel ? Did you get any sleep tonight ?" Matt asked, his expression becoming more concerned.

"I'm great actually. Thank you for taking care of me." he answered tenderly.

"I like that. Not…Not you feeling bad, but taking care of you." spontaneously said Matt.

Jim smiled, his cute, adorable little smile on the side.

"And it was an interesting night" said Jim, raising his hazel eyes into Matt's.

He was staring at him so intently that Matt couldn't help but cross his arms, as if to hide. What could Jim mean ?

"You should put some socks. And ehm…Pants too." said Matt quickly.

"Right. Going to." nodded Jim.

But he put the plate down and hesitated.

"Jim ?" immediatly said Matt.

"Mmm ?" and Jim looked up.

"You froze" Matt remarked.

"Right. I...Well, just for your information, you better than you thought." mumbled Jim.

"What…What do you mean ?" asked Matt, frowning, a bit confused.

"The thing last night. I mean the moment you said you weren't the best in a certain area."

I love you Jim, sorry, I can't help it, and I'm sorry if it's not what I do best, but I truly, deeply love you. Matt didn't blush. He swallowed, feeling petrified. Jim did actually hear him ?

"As it seemed I'm concerned in the matter, I just wanted to let you know." added Jim, before going to dressed up.

Matt took the opportunity to calm his beating heart. Now he felt he had a chance. He could say how he felt. He could try to talk with Jim. They could…Matt’s phone buzzed again. He was expected, and now very late, he knew it. Gosh that was hard. He was committed, he couldn't give up a kid in need, he just couldn't. He had promised. But Jim...

Jim was coming back, dressed in black.

"Aren't you eating love ?" he asked dreamily, picking up his plate, his eyes lighting up as he regained his appetite.

That vision tortured Matt. He really had to go now.

"I…I can't. I have to go."

"Right now ?" Jim wondered, looking at the early hour.

"Yes" mumbled Matt.

"But it-hi-hiISHHUH ! Sorry…It's Sunday." Jim objected with a sad tone.

"Bless you. I know I…I'll tell you, I promise. But I really have to go." said Matt, being torn apart between his promises.

"I hope" said Jim in a tender voice "Because, Matt, I know…I know I want to talk with you about a lot of things." he added, stepping a little closer to Matt.

Jim, please don't do this to me, not know.

"Me too. Jim, we will, I swear, it's just…"

"Understood. Just not right now." and Jim turned his face away to sneeze into his elbow "Hhhh-Shhhum !"

"Bless…You" Matt as Jim jerked his head up, shook his head a little, to push his beautiful dark hair back, which confused him.

"Thanks. Now I'm going to let you go, promise, but let me make you taste this incredible coffee I found three weeks ago..."

Jim gently pushed Matt aside, causing Matt to capsize, and opened a high cupboard easily, as he was so tall. But the package seemed a bit hidden behind a pile of dishes. Jim grunted.

"Damn it's well hidden…"

"No, Jim, really, it's so sweet but I have…HHH-P'ssshuhh !" sneezed Matt.

"Bless you love" said Jim instinctively, then grunting "Where are you…" and then he let out a small shout of victory when he felt the package under his fingers and pulled it energetically out of the cupboard, a triumphant smile appearing on his face.

But as he did this, he inadvertently dragged some plates and trays that had been pushed aside when he was looking for the coffee. Matt quickly pulled Jim back against him, and the two watched as the dishes shattered into pieces. Jim caught his breath and Matt gently squeezed his shoulder, reassured that he hadn't hurt himself. But he withdrew his hand when he saw one of the trays on the floor. The Berber tray, his mother's, was now in a dozen pieces on the floor. There was a silence, just like after the storm. Jim lost all his color, realizing. He remembered that this tray belonged to Matt's mother. Matt's favorite. And his, even if right now, that was not important at all.

"Oh no..." he whispered, as a huge wave of guilt washed over him.

Matt was petrified. He stared at the pieces with a pinched mouth. His shoulders were tense and his jaw too, it stuck out slightly.

"Oh Matt I'm so sorry" said Jim, crouching down to try to retrieve the pieces.

Matt watched him without saying anything. He felt like his heart was in pieces too. Then he crouched down and put a hand on Jim's wrist.

"Stop you're going to cut yourself" he said in a weak voice.

Jim dropped the piece gently on the floor. He looked up into Matt's eyes. How could he even fix what he had just done ?

"Matt I am so sorry. I didn't mean to break it...I'm so careless !"

Matt had a quick sad smile.

"Hey I know you didn't mean it. Don't worry."

"But...I know how you care about it...And now it's...In pieces..." Jim stammered.

"Maybe it's not completely dead," said Matt, fiddling with his shaking hands over the pieces on the board.

"Really ?" Jim asked with despair, as he knew Matt knew more than tinkering, but he couldn't see how to fix such a beautiful object without damaging it in the process.

"Well you..." Matt cleared his throat "Hey you're the one who lived in Japan. Don't you know about kintsugi ? I could learn to do that and...And maybe..." spoke quickly, but was cut by something blocking his throat.

"Oh Matt..." mumbled Jim.

Jim cut himself as he saw Matt tearing up. Matt couldn't help it. The tears had risen without him being able to hold them back. He looked down and let go. He sniffed slightly and rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. Jim bit his lips. He expected Matt to be very angry but in fact he mostly looked extremely sad. And that was the worst thing ever for him. Matt sniffed again and then he started to cry. As always it was silent tears, running down his cheeks. Jim felt his heart squeeze very hard at this vision. Matt slid down and sat down on the floor. Then he put his hands to his face and continued to cry softly but then Jim heard him sobbing and that was just too much to bear ; he approached Matt and put his hand on his shoulder which he pressed gently.

"Matt, love..."

Matt tried to calm down. He wiped his face with his still shaking hands.

"I'm ok. I'm ok I sw..." but a sob cutted him.

Jim squeezed her shoulder gently again. Matt realized he had to go. He sniffed again.

"Sorry. I...I have to go."

He got up very quickly.

"I'm so late and..."

Jim stood up. He couldn't let him go like this. He catch shyly Matt's hands into his.

"Matt please tell me if I can do something."

Matt shook his head.

"It's...It's just an object I...I'm o-ok." but a new tear ran down his cheek.

"Clearly you're not" softly said Jim.

"I'm not crying for the tray Jim. I'm crying because..." but Matt looked away.

Jim felt his heart tighten even more.

"Snff ! Ugh sorry. I was just thinking about something...Something my mom told me that I only just realized."

Jim caressed Matt's hands with his thumbs without thinking. Matt shudders. He sniffed again.

"Can you put the pieces aside? I'm sorry but I'm already late and..."

"Yes of course I will" immediately said Jim then he quickly turned his face to sneeze "Eh-IisHUH !" As he was doing so he shook hands with Matt as a reflex.

"Bless you" said Matt, gently removing his hands.

He got up and Jim got up too.

"See you later ?"

Jim couldn't answer him, he couldn't let him go like that, he just can't he had to... He hadn't had time to think for long; a golden flash passed before his eyes; Matt's hair, and then the sweet smell of citrus and honey as Matt had taken him in his arms, hugging him with infinite sweetness. Jim immediately hugged Matt back. At this point, difficult to know who was more upset.

"Please forgive me before you leave" said Jim.

"I'm not the one who should forgive" whispered Matt, inhaling Jim's scent one last time.

So many things were implied, than Jim bited his lips really hard. Then Matt took Jim's head gently in his hands and leaned him down, kissing his forehead very tenderly, pressing his lips long, softly, drank long, closing his eyes. Jim shudders. But Matt didn't forgive him. He sighed softly.

"But if you need to hear it, then yes, I forgive you." Matt whispered again.

Jim nodded, relieved. Then he remembered that Matt had to leave him.

"Go. Just send me a text when we can see each other. "
"Will do. I'm sorry. I will tell you all. See you later" then Matt rushed outside, leaving Jim who felt like his forehead was on fire.

He knew Matt still loved him.
He knew he loved him.
And he felt how close they were to make things right. They need to talk, right now.

Then what the hell was he still doing in the kitchen ? He had to get ready and go to Matt as soon as possible.

[Privatedancer]

This was sooooooooo lovely Lily!  This is my favorite chapter

[Lily]

so sorry if I can't replied to you all, loving you and your sweet comments, I'll tried to answer as soon as possible, for now I have to take time for me

see you soon I hope

💜

 

7 – Things we said and things we do (2/2)

But no sooner had Jim made this decision than a series of sneezes took hold of him. He stifled most of them, tough some escaped his control.

"Huhhh-xxxshh ! Uh…Nuh…Uh…EH-ckshhh-iew…Uh…UH…Hxxxssh-hhhhuh… Hhhhh-huh-tsss'mmm !…Huhuhhhh-hhaaatsssxxm' !...HUH-TSSSh-ggggnn'…HUTSHUUH T-SSSH'mm…Hupsh-ssshhh ! Uh…"

Almost out of breath, he took out a handkerchief and gently blew his nose as his nose was extremely sensitive at this point. Then he put his back to the wall and slid slowly along it.

He knew he didn't want Matt to go back and live anywhere but here. This was his home here. Their home. Jim had enjoyed moments of solitude and reflection. But to see Matt, to see him so sweet, so caring, so... Matt, in a way. The Matt Jim had fallen madly in love with.

He had missed Matt in every way. And he didn't understand how, even tough it had only been five minutes since Matt left, he felt an immense weight on his heart. However, despite his clumsiness which had broken the set, they parted on good terms. On more than good terms even. Jim lamented that Matt had to leave so quickly. A few months ago, he would have thought that Matt had wanted to run away from the conversation. But his instinct, his heart, told him otherwise. Matt wouldn't have left if he hadn't had to. And Jim realized that he had regained his trust in Matt, trust he had lost a little in their journey together.

A little before the sun goes down

Jim was clinging to his motorcycle, speeding down the road. In a few meters, after this bend, he would arrive on the coast. And by then, a fifteen-minute drive would be enough before he arrived at the ocean cemetery where Mary Hatfield had been buried.

What a day. Jim mentally repeated to himself the day he had just spent.

After Matt left, Jim thought a lot about his relationship with Matt. Then Jim had tidied up the house a bit. And he had received a message from Matt who had told him that he could stop by the community center in the afternoon, because there was a fundraiser for young people but that he hoped to be able to slip away with him.

Jim went there. It was crowded. A lot of people he knew and also drag queens, young people from the center and LGBTQ+ persons or even neighbours of the center. Jim found Lizzie in the middle of the crowd because he was taller than many person and saw her, tiny Lizzie with her brown curls, glasses and lipstick. He went to meet her. He hugged her, asking her if she had seen Matt.

"Oh he is done with his speech, now." said Lizzie, tooking a sip of her beer.

Jim frowned.

"I don’t understand. We were supposed to meet here. Why…Hold on just a sec-eeeexsssh’SHHmm… Huhh-ksssh’mm !" stifled Jim, pinching his nose.

"Bless you" said Lizzie.

"Uh...Sorry. Why didn't he warn me ?" asked Jim, wiping the tip of his nose with a handkerchief.

"Oh but Jim, he had his phone break by the teen's father."

"Oh my god, is he ok ?" cried Jim, feeling his concern skyrocket.

"Yes, at least he kept his calm. Well you know how Matt had a meet up with a fifteen-year-old boy who wanted Matt to be there to accompany him in his coming out. The father was mad about it and wanted to fight with Matt. He didn't, as Matt was defending himself, but the guy was talking horrible things, and as he was pushing Matt, he broke his phone."

"Oh my god" repated Jim, frightened by the scene of which he had just had a vision.

"Don't worry Jim, he's fine. The teen too, even if he was afraid. He is with his mother, thanks god this one has a brain. The father is seen by the cops, because everyone wanted to protect Matt. Matt didn't want to call them but some people from the association did to file a complaint. I was scared but Matt said he was ok. And...I know him. He was ok. He wasn't hurt, at least." sighed Lizzie.

Jim nodded but was still concerned by Matt. Only Lizzie's calm helped to kept his calm, at least in appearance.

"Then he had to go, as he had other appointments. You know how he is, always busy and stubborn. I had lunch with him, he told me the story. And…Then we had to go here, because he had to make a speech. He collected money here, told me to warn you and he left again."

"Why...Why...Hhh'ssshiuh-uh...Sorry, where is he now ?" asked Jim, sniffing slightly.

Lizzie looked at him.

"Bless you ! Poor dear, did you..."

"Liz, where is he ?" cutted Jim.

"He asked me if you will be ok to wait for him at your place. He will arrive in the early evening." shrugged Lizzie.

"But where is he right now Liz ?" grew impatient Jim.

"I don't know, he said he had one last important thing to do. Come on Jim, calm yourself and just rest. He will be there in a couple of hours now." gently said Lizzie.

Lizzie had to go meet Carol and insisted that Jim come in to his place. Jim was frustrated. Why did Matt didn't say where he was going to Liz ? That was just annoying. So Jim had returned, he had paced around the apartment. He only had this thought, running over and over into his head ; Why Matt didn't say where he was ? Was he supposed to guess ?

And then he did guess, as he realized. This morning, with the tray. Matt getting very emotional. Of course he was, and not just because Jim broke an object. Jim remembered. Today was Mary's death day. Jim didn't need to think anymore. He knew what he had to do. He rushed out, got on his motorbike and headed out to the ocean.

As the sun was slowly going down in the sky, Jim had arrived at the cemetery which faced the ocean. He parked his motorcycle and carefully took out the flowers he had taken on the road, some forget-me-nots, and moved forward. He saw Matt's bike at the entrance. He walked briskly to Mary's grave. Matt wasn't here. A fresh magnificent bouquet of wild flowers lay on the grave, as well as a paper rolled in the flowers. Jim didn't look, he knew it was probably one of Matt's beautiful drawing with a letter addressed at his mom and didn't wanted to violate his intimacy. But where was Matt ? Jim put the bouquet of flowers next to the one Matt had brought.

"Hello Mrs Hatfield. I'm looking for you son but..." Jim mumbled.

The wind picked up suddenly, a storm was about to break out. Jim sneezed in his elbow, a quick double sneeze even though there was no one there.

“Huuushiiiiuh-HH-Hutshuh !”

It was blowing so hard. Jim placed two stones so the flowers wouldn't fly away. Jim sneezed a little "HHH-hishiiiew !" and sighed.

"If you could help me find him, again, I would be very grateful. See I thought I was on the good way, but…"

The wind blew again. And Jim heard the waves crashing. Waves. The ocean. Of course Matt had probably not resisted. Jim stood up, put his hand on Mary Hatfield's tombstone before bringing it to his heart.

"Of course. Of course he is. Thank you. Thank you so much. " he whispered, as he intimately thanks Matt's mom to have raised this man he love.

And then, heart pounding, Jim left the cemetery and ran to the beach.

Jim arrived breathless on the beach. He was desperate to see that it was empty, the wind blowing with great waves. He almost wanted to scream. And he did. Because as he approached the ocean unleashed he saw one of Matt's shoes which was in the water. He thought he was going to lose consciousness, this vision was so terrible. He yelled Matt's name. One, two, three times. The fourth time he bursted into tears as he realized Matt was...He felt like he could faint, and he was already so unbalanced by the wind, staggering, his face bathed in tears, that he thought he was really going to fall .

And a few seconds after – that felt like minutes or maybe more to Jim – a prolonged whistle followed by a voice as if broken by the wind reaching his ears. He thought he was going mad but then he heard his name. He jumped and turned.

Matt was running towards him. Obviously, he had taken shelter in one of the small caves on the beach. He was in his wetsuit and his curls were wet. He ran up to a very petrified Jim. The moment Matt raved at Jim, Jim felt his knees give out and Matt caught him just in time, as Jim collapsed into Matt's arms crying.

"J-Jim...What are you..."

"I thought you were gone..." cried Jim, his voice broken by sobs.

"What ? No, I only hide after a few lengths, the ocean was too dismounted and, well because crazy weather here…No...Shhh...I'm here I'm here." whispered Matt, confused and upset to see Jim here, in this state, in his arms.

Jim hugged Matt. Yes. He was there. Frozen but alive. He cried a little more but Matt's hand stroked his back, his hair, it soothed him a bit. And then Jim pushed him away. He wiped his cheeks trembling.

"You scared me jeez. Who's going to swim in such a wild ocean anyways ?" he exclaimed, almost angrily.

"I..." started calmly Matt.

"You're crazy. You're fucking crazy you that right ?" stammered Jim who was barely recovering from his fear.

"Jim, calm..."

"I can't. I can't calm down." said Jim in a weak voice, both as a confession and an apology.

"Yes" realized Matt.

He had just imagined if he had been in Jim's place and shivered from it.

"You're cold" said Jim, saying Matt shivering, wanting to hug him again.

Matt shook his head.

"I'm ok" he murmured "And I assure you I'll never take a risk like this. I only stayed for a few minutes, then I left the water. I promise you." he said calmly.

"You're crazy" repeated stubbornly and still shaking for the emotions Jim.

Matt was going to say something but saw Jim sweet pre-sneeze expression and then…

"Hhhh-HHHuhsssshuh ! HUPSHIEW ! HUT'ssshUH !" sneezed freely Jim, even if he turned his head on the side.

Matt saw the little tears that remained in the corner of Jim's eyes fall down because of the strengh of Jim's sneezes.

"Bless you. Still your cold huh ?" worried Matt, who zipped up Jim's leather jacket tightly and gently patted his shoulders, before rubbing him vigorously on his arms, as if to warm him up.

Jim let Matt doing so. But Matt was in wetsuit, soaked. He was the one who was going to get a cold. He wanted to say the remark, but Matt spoke before him.

"Jim I'm sorry I scared you but...Why are you here ? Didn't you see Liz ? She was supposed to tell you to wai..." But then Matt froze, scared "Is Lizzie fine ?"

"Yes. But..."

"But what ? Now you scared me." said Matt, terrified that something could have happen to Lizzie. Or was it Carol ? The kids ?

"She's ok. Everyone…is ok I…Please now...Shut up. Shut...Up." said Jim, running his hands over his face, struggling to calm himself down.

Matt winced. Jim saw that. He bit his lips. Matt's jaw was tense.

"Does my voice sound so annoying to you now ?" said Matt, getting emotional.

Jim eyes filled with tears. He shook his head negatively.

"Where are we ?" Jim finally asked Matt.

Matt swallowed slightly.

"I don't know. I thought...I thought we were starting to...At least..Being...Friends again ? I don't know", as his voice was shaking and he felt his eyes se filled with tears too.

"Friends ?" repeated Jim with a tremor in his voice "We're not friends."

Matt paled.

"We're husbands. We are even more than that." almost spitted Jim, wholeheartedly preventing himself from crying again.

Matt felt how heavy his heart was right now.

"I'm here because I know which day it is. I'm here because I couldn't wait. I'm here because…Why do I have to say this ? You know why I'm here. But I'll tell you a thing you didn't know; want to know why I wore your ring around my neck ? Because I lost weight since I was too depressed that you were far away from me. It didn't fitted me. Otherwise I could never be separated of it. It may be a symbol, but I care. Not because it's showing I'm a married man, but because you made it with your hands. And you made this out of love for me. And then you came home, our home, Matt, and you started destroyed us because I guess destroying you wasn't enough. And that...That's killing me, I can see you doing this anymore, I just can't."

Matt felt tears coming down his own cheeks as he couldn't hold them back. This truth, he heard it before. From himself. But saying the person he loved the most in the world saying it was just a completely different thing.

"You lost yourself, Matt. And you forgot I was there to guide you."

Matt nodded, sniffing, crying. Jim sighed.

"But where were you anyways Matt ? Because I was lost too, and you wasn't here."

"I'm...I now, I shouldn't have traveled that much I..." said Matt, wiping his tears away.

"I don't mean that. Even when you were home, it's like...You were gone in so many places. And you left me behind." mumbled Jim.

"I know. J-jeez Jim I felt so alone yet I couldn't ask more from you, I know that. Or perhaps... Well, when I came back to you, after each of my travel, you were there, still you, and I envied you. I thought...I thought how can he still want me ? My mistake. To believe that you were solid because I was a wreck. You needed to be heard. I failed to be your guide, even if it was my promise. For that, and so many others things I have not done because I was to busy hiding myself behind my walls, I know I failed to you. And you were just repairing all the things I lost and broke, and I didn't wanted you to do this. Because you weren't supposed to. And...I know I should have told you about this earlier, I mean now I know this, but...Before I thought that if I shared less...If I shut myself up...Maybe I was safer ? I'm saying it, I realized it was stupid. And I realize that in fact, I would have wanted you to guess for me without me having to talk to you, because I was afraid of what could escaped from me. Again, I'm so sorry, it wasn't your part. I failed to mine. I closed myself off, where I should have opened up to you. And when I opened my mouth, it was too late, and I only succeeded in hurting you instead of sharing my anxieties with you, my doubts, my fear of not being good enough for you. Not enough for you."

"But Matt, you're enough." protested Jim in a soft tone, touched by Matt's opening to him.

"Am I ? I...I'm so unsure of myself now, I feel so weak so...Not proud of myself. When I was away from you, traveling, I thought I would never be able to create again. And in fact, that's what happened. Of course I was painting, I was performing, I was living the life I thought I had always wanted to live, but if I felt so alone, so empty, I felt disgusted with myself. I can't even old a brush anymore. The only thing I can do is helping youngs ones to do that. And even in this area, I'm not sure I'm good." almost chuckled a very nervous Matt.

"Stop this, I know you do more than that with them, don't devalue yourself, I know...Thanks to our friends, I know that about you. I just would have preferred you telling me." said softly Jim.

"And I want to tell you everything you want. I don't want to hide anymore. It's going to be hard, I know, hard for me, but I don't want it to become hard for you." said immediatly Matt.

"Then keep talking" said softly Jim.

"I...Well, just as for yesterday I... Yesterday night I wanted you to be ok with me. I wanted to take care of you, reassure you, let you know how much I missed you and I was there for you.

I was afraid that my presence would be imposed on you, not that I imagine that you don't know what you want...See ? See how I said nonsense ?" said Matt, in his nervous way of speaking, so quickly, but so honest, you could see he was speaking with his heart.

"Let go of the perfect speech. I know how witty and good with words you can be, you don't have to prove anything to me. I just want you to feel ok saying what's on your mind, what's on your heart" encouraged Jim.

Matt took a deep breath to have the courage to pursue.

"I want to be the best person for you as you are the best person for me. This morning was just awful, I wanted to stay with you, I wanted to spend the day with you, all days of my life, in fact, as it was our promise, and I know I was so bad. I'm so sad you lost weight because of me."

"Because of your abscence, and how I couldn't feel we could talk about it" corrected Jim.

Matt smiled sadly.

"Right now, I'm...Confused. Sad, because I miss you. The truth is that I can't paint anymore because I feel empty. Lost. And I hate having to go this way or that way. It's not the places I like. It's not the people who call me talented that I care about. I only care for my family. Which is our friends. The kids. You. I want to take care of you all, but I always have the impression that it is you who take care of me. That's...I feel I'm just a big weight."

"Oh Matt..." sighed Jim, tearful.

"And even when I tried to take care of you, I made the mistake of believing that I could go ahead of your desires and your needs, I forgot to ask. I think...I think it's because I'm afraid that what you could ever ask me is to give up. It's easier for me to lock myself up, even if I suffer from it. It's easier for me because I'm such a coward, even if I pretend the opposite, but hey, who am I kidding ?"

It was hard to say, but Matt was convinced of it. Jim shook his head. Jeez, Matt. How could you come this far with all of this on your mind ? Jim nodded in to cheer Matt. Matt was almost breathless. He spoke more slowly, still emotional, but you could distinctly understand how he tried. Jim knew how difficult it must be for him but he was so relieved to finally hear him speak, even if some parts were so painful.

"I didn't...I didn't thought I could have another chance to show you how important it was for me to be there for you always. D-did I say important ? I mean necessary. But I'm scared of that too, I, I'm scared of taking up too much space, of projecting all the evil I have inside on you, no but really Jim, you know how terrible I can be...How flawed I am. And see, I speak so fast sometimes, I'm afraid to say anything at all to you. Like to say the right thing. I was afraid. Afrad that if I told you how lost I was you wouldn't...You..." a sob cutted him "Sorry. I thought that you would left me."

Jim shook his head negatively. He couldn't believe it.

"That's how you think I love you ?"

"Because you love me still ?" asked Matt in a shaky voice.

Jim felt some tears running down his face now.

"How can you doubt that ? Matt I...I never, ever stopped loving you since that day you asked me to stay at your apartment."

Matt breathed loudly.

"I know...You love me, but I don't understand it, I honestly feel like I'm deserving of that love" confessed Matt.

Matt's lips were shaking. He was so pale his features stood out. Jim followed his first impulse, and he gently placed his hands on Matt's cheeks, stroking them, then he rested his forehead against Matt's. Matt closed his eyes, breathing with difficulty.

"I...I love you James, but I m-messed up so b-bad and that's..."

Jim had shuddered at his first name, and upon hearing Matt torture himself, he shivered and kissed him. Maybe he needeed this act to stop babbling nonsense. Matt's lips were salty from the ocean. Matt felt Jim breath fire into his mouth, into his body, into his whole being and kissed him back, wrapping his arms around Jim's neck, slowly. They shared this long and passionate kiss and then they parted, but stayed in each other's arms.

"Thank you. Thank you for sharing this to me" Jim, in a breathless tone.

"I'm...I want you to know I never, ever want to hurt us again." mumbled Matt.

"I know that"

"I want to be a better man. To never hide again, even if I'm getting scared."

"I will be there to reassuring you, I swear" firmly said Jim, even if he was shaking.

"I will too. I want to deserve you"

"Matt, you're deserving me as much as I'm deserving you" assured Jim, sniffing lightly.

"I'm sorry I forgot that, because I know how my doubts hurt you, hurt us"

"Then just don't forget it. That's all I ask of you."

"I won't." promised Matt.

"Let's go home. You're frozen" Jim whispered, worried.

Jim kissed Matt again, a soft kiss on the lips, as Matt parted from his lips, inhaling slightly, his nostrils flaring slightly.

"So-sorry I have to..."

His expression froze slightly, his eyes lost slightly in vagueness, half-closed, his mouth slightly ajar.

"I have to...To..." his voice was distorted a bit.

Jim perfectly knew Matt neededeed to sneeze and relaxed their embrace a little. Matt turned his face to the side and sneezed.

"Hhh-gnishhh'mm...!" he stifled his sneeze, and then sighed to relieve a bit of the pressure from it.

That was surprising and Jim smiled uncontrollably, almost nervous kind of way.

"Bless you love" he said with a look of fondness.

"Hpppxxxssshuh !" he sneezed again, as the stifling thing triggered him more than anything.

"Bless you" repeated Jim, gently running a hand through his curls.

"Th-HHssksshhh !" stifled Matt, getting his cheeks a bit red.

"Stop stifling this, it's not doing you any good" mumbled Jim softly, kissing him on the cheek but at this moment Matt sneezed a half-stifled sneeze, in a such cute desesperate way, pinching his nose "Hiii-gnnn'shuh..."

He sighed again after, as this was hard for him to do. Jim kissed him softly on the cheek, taking his hands in his.

"Come. We have to dry you."

But the wind was blowing so hard that in reality, even though Matt still had the wet suit on his skin, he was almost dry. Matt sniffed a bit and nodded. He ran his fingers through Jim's. Jim gently tightened his grip.

"I follow you" said Matt, his piercing gaze into Jim's eyes.

[Privatedancer]

2 chapters in one day and amazing chapters too- thank you!

[Lily]

so I managed to have some time today to respond, so I wanted to thank you all for being by my side during the writing, I hope these two chapters (post above), will please you still, i tried as i was feeling a bit depressed these days like i said i need to take some time for myself shitty things are happening in my life again i just hope its temporary but hey, enough ramblingabout me, just wanted to warn you that i might be away for a while, i need some time now

@Privatedancer thank you very much, I hope these chapters were satisfying your exepectations, I know how you are invested in the boys, hope they still pleases you so far ❤️

@dwaekki stifles are coming for you ! and even a little surprise planned for you, hope you'll like it

@Not Telling aw

On 8/17/2023 at 3:10 PM, Not Telling said:

And oh goodness, the whole "If I wasn't sick...." bit total meltdown! I don't know how I have still managed to be a solid being after reading your work and that I don't remain just a giant melted puddle.

I have to say, sometimes it's hard because I felt like they're so real, imagining them living all the things I put them into making me blush, I feel I have way too much power
but sometimes I'm just melting instead of writing, so I have to take break aha

I hope you will like this 2 chapters. The boys tried to communicate...

again, thank you so much, love every interractions on this forum, thanks to you all
see you soon I hope ❤️

[dwaekki]

Take your time, I really hope things will get better for you soon, but remember things will always get better ❤️ 

Thank you for continuing to write so incredibly and even considering my (and other readers') preferences for the sneezing throughout the plot. I have to say I was VERY happy to see Matt stifling, it was amazing so thank you ❤️ I'm loving the emotions in these last 2 chapters and all the sweetness and understanding. I hope you won't be gone too long, but I'll be waiting patiently here for you checking the forum every day as I usually do haha. Please look after yourself, it will all be fine in the end ❤️❤️. Your writing really has the power to make my day so I hope you remember how meaningful your stories are. I'll be lying if I say I won't be impatient and overly-excited for when you continue this story and come back, but I hope in that time you can find peace and happiness for yourself ❤️‍🩹

[Not Telling]

These were stunning chapters and yes I'm so pleased that they finally communicated with each other. The vulnerability and emotion was darling. ❤️ Take all the time you need, we'll all be here eagerly ready to read your next masterpiece when you return. 

 

[Lily]

salut salut !

thank you for your support 💜

@dwaekki thank you ! I hope this chapter will make your day 💛

@Not Telling thank you ! it's not even quite the end of this one so I hope you'll like it 💙

tw : mention of nosebleeding, even if it's not important, just so you know

8 - Sweet

They went back up to the cave where Matt tremblingly put on his things. Jim helped him put on his sweater and Matt, in his usual abruptness, almost tore it.

"Thanks" said Matt breathlessly, as the struggle with his clothing had taken his breath away.

Then he had the cutest expression ever, between total loss of control and surprise, as his nostrils were flaring way too fast, his eyes nearly closed and he tilted his head back slightly as his parted mouth let out an equivocal moan. He was going to sneeze, no doubt about that, but his expression was very similar to one he had sometimes in a totally different circumstance even if, for Jim, the two were very linked. Jim refrained from kissing him again but couldn't stop looking at him. Matt moaned again and sneezed in a cute high pitched tone into one hand, which was rare for him and sounded a bit dramatic maybe because of the echo in the cave.

"PiiiishhhhIIIUh ! Uh..."

Matt pinched his nose softly.

"Ugh. Excuse me. Couldn't hold that one."

He sniffed lightly. Jim zipped up his jacket.

“Bless you,” but his voice was a little strangled.

Matt looked at Jim and it was as if he had only just remembered that Jim had more than a soft spot for the sneezing. He leaned down and almost shyly kissed his cheek. His lips were icy and Jim's cheeks were hot.

“Thank you.”

"Since when did you start stifling them ?" wondered Jim.

And he blushed hard. Jeez he had just found the love of his life and he was really talking to him about sneezing. What was wrong with him ? Matt didn't seem very concerned about the question though, he took Jim's hand in his and they walked towards the motorbike.

"Well the guy I live with is really sweet but he hate noise. To put it differently....He love the silence. Which I do too you know but he is peculiar about it."

Jim frowned, as he didn't quite see the connection. Matt sniffed lightly.

"One day I was back from the shelter and I had this terrible tickle in my nose. I had to sneeze and I did, but…Well I…You know how I sneeze” said Matt, almost apologetically.

Louder and all that jazz, thought Jim. Matt felt Jim's hand shivering.

"And then he arrived right in front of me not yelling at me but visibly shocked that I was making so much noise. He's really nice but sneezing is definitely not his thing so I did start to stifling them. You know, cause it was his place and all so…" concludes Matt.

They had arrived on the motorcycle. Jim picked up a helmet and handed it to Matt and frowned.

"But it's not like you can regulate that I mean..."

"I know that." simply said Matt, putting on the helmet.

"You are loud when you sneeze. So what ?"

Jim was almost mad at this guy he didn't know. The idea that a person was noisy could be unpleasant, that's true, but sneezing...Was only natural. And besides, it reminded Jim of his own father's anger about the noise. Definitely, Jim felt the anger rising in him. Matt blushed a bit.

"Am I that loud ?" he asked almost shyly.

Jim bit his lips.

"Well you know your sneezes are a bit loud but...Like it's just your way so who cares ?" and Jim felt so concious.

"But like..."

"Matt." cutted softly Jim.

"No I know but it made me feel a bit stupid when he told me I was loud. Luke tells me that sometimes, or even Liz, but like...I know they're just joking. I know it's a bit silly, but I felt like I was taking all the space again."

Jim frowned.

"I love you but you're just saying nonsense right now."

"Oh" said Matt, realizing how silly it was.

"Yeah, just so you know" added Jim, putting on his own helmet.

Matt felt reassured.

"Thank you"

"I really don't see why he reacted like this" Jim gritted.

"Are you angry?" asked Matt, a bit surprised.

Jim was about to deny it but in fact, he was.

"Yes. I'm sorry, he's probably a very nice person, but telling you you're loud when you sneeze is a stupid move from him."

Matt couldn't help but smile.

"What ?"

"Nothing. I love you" said Matt, leaning over and kissing Jim.

Jim was about to protest but the touch of Matt's lips against his made him lose all his anger. They parted slowly. Jim and Matt shared a big thrill.

"You have a cold." frowned Jim.

"Well I'm not the only one am ?"

"T-tshhhuh !" sneezed gently Jim on the side, almost as an answer.

"Bless you, let's go" said Matt with tender, closing his helmet.

"T-th-TSSSHUH !" sneezed again Jim, louder, and shaking his head after it, closing his helmet.

"Bless you dearest" said again Matt, getting on the motorbike and hugging Jim's waist.

Matt felt so good as he felt Jim's waist in his arms, and Jim felt so good too, he had missed that feeling terribly, he loved how Matt clung to him, he knew Matt was no longer afraid of the motorbike, of speed, and that made the way he clung to him even more touching for him.

The landscape swirled around them as night fell, and the storm was chasing them but Jim was maintaining an appropriate speed, he didn't want to go any faster. He felt Matt's head against his back and felt so happy. His beloved Matt against him. He heard him sneezed again, now freely.

"EkssshIIIEW ! EPSHHHUH ! 'hhhuh'TSSHIIIUH !"

"Bless you !" said loudly Jim.

And Matt hugged him tighter, resting his head against his back.

As they arrived in town, the rain began to fall. Matt was surprised to see Jim stop before the apartment. But then he understood, as he felt Jim lean back slightly, and he heard his gasping breath and then...

"ISHHHUH-SHUH-TSHIEW !" a loud quick triple sneeze escaped from poor Jim's nose.

"Wow bless you" said Matt, gently stroking Jim's back.

"Ugh, thanks. Sorry for the stop but...Huh...Again...Hhh..."

"Hey you needed relief." gently teased Matt, continuing to stroke Jim's back.

"IIIISHIIIEW !" sneezed again Jim, and Matt could feel the force of that sneeze under his fingertips.

"Bless you Jimmy."

Jim smiled. Matt was so sweet in his way of speaking, it made him melt from inside.

"Thank you. All done for now. But let's go home, this rain is not going to do any good."

And he restarted the motorbike to go to the apartment. They went back up to the apartment and they froze almost at the same time in the hallway. Jim had his against his face and trying to fight his urge to sneeze while Matt alternated between sniffling and gasping.

"IiiiEPSHUH !"

"ARSHUUUH !"

They both sneezed at the same time, Jim in his cupped hand with a little bit of despair, Matt in his elbow, his curls flailing in motion, dropping little droplets of rain to the ground. They looked at each other and started laughing. But Matt was cut by another big sneeze, this time he collected into his cupped hands.

"PPsssh-PISHEW !"

Jim stopped laughing.

"Bless you. Let's get rid of your clothes. They all wet."

"Bless you too, my dear Jim, and do I have to remind you you are the one sneezing since yesterday ?" said Matt with a cute teasing tone.

"I am not the one who jumped into this icy ocean." replied Jim, fighting against his want to smile.

"It's just the humidity that makes me sneeze. I don't have a cold" retorted Matt.

As they were gently arguing, they started getting closer to each other.

"I just have some allergies remember?" Jim whispered, gently stroking Matt's damp curls.

"Oh right" whispered Matt, losing himself in Jim's tender gaze.

And then they started touching their wet clothes and gently stroking their arms, belly, waist, then Jim slipped his hand over Matt's jumpsuit and he shivered.

"Now but seriously, you have to undress" whispered Jim.

"Then help me" whispered back Matt.

And they helped each other to take off their soaked clothes. Now Matt was in a bathing suit and Jim was in his boxers and they couldn't help looking at each other, caressing each other gently, their heads down, their breathing deep and slow.

"I missed you" murmured Jim.

"I missed you too" answered Matt in the same tone.

"Do you...Uh...Uh...H...HHH..."

Matt looked up. Jim had now one finger under his nose, fighting a strong tickle. He smiled. Jim almost gave him his fetish, as Matt was feeling very attracted to Jim right now. Obviously, the sneezing was not just it, but Matt felt curiously aroused by this cute fight Jim had with his own body. Jim rubbed his nose softly.

"Ugh. Sorry. Do you want to take a shower ?"

"Of course, but Jim, you can't just do this to me".

Jim frowned. Matt could distinctly see Jim's nostrils expand rapidly, and the wings of his nose were pinking slightly.

"Whh-hh-what do you mean ?"

"Just sneeze already, it's a torture for me" teased Matt, softly caressing Jim's blushing cheeks.

"Huh-hh-let me-iiiKSHIEW !" sneezed Jim right into Matt's face, as the sneeze took him by surprise and Matt kept his face between his hands.

Matt closed his eyes as a reflex while receiving Jim’s sneeze on his face, but he smiled and kissed Jim softly on the tip of his nose.

"Oh my, bless you." he gently said.

"I'm sorry" stammers Jim, a bit confused.

Matt, in a very cute way, rubbed his nose against Jim's.

"Don't be. Let's take our shower."

And Jim followed Matt into the shower. The warm water made them feel so relieved, even if the steam triggered both their noses. Matt's nose was most sensitive to it, and he let out some big sneeze into the shower, spraying Jim who felt terribly attracted to it.

"Uh-shUUUH ! Ahhh-ATISHUH ! ARRRSHUH !"

Jim was very triggered by the steam but couldn't let out a sneeze, which was frustrating.

"Bless you. Can I have the soap ?"

"Do you want me to..."

"Yes please"

Matt didn't even need to specify, he took the soap and began to gently wash Jim who thought he was fainting when he felt Matt so close, so tender...

"Huh..hhh..."

“Uh-oh need to sneeze again ?” gently asked Matt, caressing Jim gently.

"I can't...Gosh it's so frustrating I just hate this...Hhhh...Hiii-uh...Fuck..." he said, frustrated, his deep voice a bit distorted by his need to sneeze .

"Maybe if I put a bit of soap on the tip of your nose it will do the job" suggests Matt, getting suddenly creative in this area.

Jim turned to Matt, amused and curious.

"Maybe"

"Can I...?"

"Please" begged Jim.

Matt took a bit of soap which he lathered between his fingers, then he gently passed the lather around Jim's nose with delicacy. Jim pulled his face back slightly, instinctively, then he brought his face closer to Matt again and even placed a hand on the back of Matt's neck. The sensation was terrible, an intense, fragrant tickle.

"Huh...Huh...Hi...Hiiii"

Matt had almost a look of concentration on his face, gently continuing, with the tip of his index finger, to caress the sides of Jim's nose. Weirdly, that turned him on again, because he knew he could get Jim to sneeze and it would relieve him once and for all. He felt Jim's ragged breathing on his face, observed his slightly worried expression, and his half-closed eyes closed completely as Jim finally managed to expel big sneezes, lightly spraying a bit of the scented foam of the soap.

"HUKSHIEW ! UpshOO ! UHTISHUUUH !"

Matt smiled, satisfied, as he saw Jim relieved expression. Jim pinched his nose slightly to get rid of the foaù but it made him sneeze again. Even if he was pinching his nose a bit, he let out big sneezes.

"HUSHUH! hhhh-SHHHUh! HISHIEW!"

Matt gently stroked the side of Jim's nose on which there was still a little soap, which triggered Jim's nose which sneezed again, spraying Matt in the process.

"TssssshhhUUUUUUUUH ! Oh...I-jeez..."

Matt stuck his head under the water.

"Better ?" he asked gently.

"Thank you..So much gosh it felt good..." confessed Jim, blushing lightly.

"It's what I do. Bless you" whispered Matt, his face dripping with water.

And both of them couldn't resist more, they started kissing again and again under the warm water.

*

Dry, dressed warmly, they both decided to go on their bed as the couch was still unrepaired and they just wanted to be together at this point. Their shower had been very long as they obviously did more than just kiss, as they needed to find each other in every way possible.  They sat down on the bed. Jim shivered. Matt felt concerned to take it all.

"Under the blanket, Jimmy boy, now."

"But..."

"Nuh-uh. I don't want you getting cold."

Jim obediently slipped under the blanket and let out a little sneeze, almost like a loud breath, turning his face on the side.

"HHHSSSHHHuuuuh!"

"Bless you. Gosh, you did catch a cold" frowned Matt, putting his hand on Jim's forehead, but he wasn't feverish.

Jim shrugged and was about to protest but sneezed again on the side.

"Huuh-gnishhhuh !" he sneezed, in a half stifled kind of way.

"And bless you again. Gonna make you something to eat. And to drink. Like a tea or..."

Matt was speaking fast as usual, and Jim cut him kissing his wrist softly.

"Calm down, nurse Hatfield. I'm alright."

"But you kept on sneezing since last night" argued Matt, frowning without realizing it, worrid for Jim's health.

Jim smiled.

"Maybe it's my body who tried of keeping you near" he teased.

"Don't...Don't say that" said Matt, a bit sad suddenly.

Jim lost his smile and sat up.

"Hey-hey that was a bad joke, sorry..."

"I'm worried for you" confessed Matt.

"But love it's just me...Sneezing a bit more than usual, you don't have to wor...Uh...Sorr-sorry h-h-hold on..."

Matt slipped his hand under his pillow and took out a handkerchief which he handed to Jim who immediately grabbed it and sneezed into it.

"UKSHIEW!"

"Bless you." whispered Matt, gently stroking Jim's shoulder.

Jim sniffed lightly, blew his nose gently.

"Thank you. Don't worry I'm fine, sorry, I didn't mean to worry you in any way."

Matt realized how the situation seemed reversed at the time. But maybe it was because their positions finally seemed to balance out. Suddenly, he understood why Jim blamed him for not taking his health seriously, or worrying more than usual when the other invariably answered "I'm fine". Obviously Matt already knew, but right know, the obvious jumped out at him.

"Matt ? Still here ?" asked Jim, as Matt was frozen in his realization.

"Yep. Sorry. I...I just want to take care of you, but will you even let me?" asked Matt genuinely.

Jim had an emotional expression. It wasn't really looking in a mirror, but he felt like Matt was just trying to explain how he felt and that was just so new, and so touching, even if it was normal in a sense, Jim couldn't help feeling grateful that Matt can finally not hide behind his usual wit.

"Of course." he said gently.

Matt nodded, stroked Jim' hair.

“Just let me a minute to bring you something.”

"Ok" Jim said, fighting his want to kiss Matt again, as he felt maybe he actually caught a cold.

Matt kissed him anyway, and then disappeared in the kitchen. Jim lay down to get more comfortable.

When Matt returned with a few sandwiches made from what he had found and some tea on a tray, he found Jim lying down. He was just the cutest thing ever, asleep, expression relaxed, his face slightly crushed against the pillow. Matt placed the set on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. He hesitated to wake Jim. Instead he go under the blanket with very delicate gestures, then he felt a tickle in his nose so he pinched it very hard and the tickle went away. It was frustrating. He wiped the tip of his nose with a tissue and gently lay against Jim, looking in wonder at his handsome husband who had dozed off. But then something in the air, maybe a bit of dust, was making his nose twitch like crazy. I rubbed it, pinched it, but knew he had to sneeze it off. So he did, pinching his nose to stifle it.

“Ghhh-xxshhh’uh…”

Ouch. He felt the tickle coming again, and also his nose suddenly moistened.

“HHhhh-GHSXT’mm !”

Outch again. And now he felt kinda like a metallic taste.

“Huh-pshUUH !” he sneezed in his fist, unable to stifle again.

Jim woke up, looked at Matt and a worried expression crossed his face. He straightened up immediately.

“Matt you’re bleeding!”

"What...?" sighed Matt, smelling this mettalic smell again, and feeling his nose was running.

He ran his index finger under his nose. He was a bit nosebleeding.

“Oops” he sighed.

Jim grabbed a tissue and gently wiped under Matt's nose.

“Take it easy” he whispered, his heart quickening.

Matt let him. Jim was so gentle in his movements.

"Sorry to wake you up, I tried to stifle them but..."

"Idiot" Jim muttered.

"Hey !" Matt protested.

"Sorry. But you're an idiot." mumbled Jim.

“Well-hhhuh-the-th-the idiot wants to snee-eeEEE-sneeze ag-again…” Matt stammers.

"Wait...I have to finish wiping that up" Jim muttered, taking his time to do so as gently as possible.

“Huuuh-hhhurrIIISHIIIIEW!” sneezed Matt turning his face away but couldn't cover it.

Fortunately, the nosebleed was just temporary and what Matt sprayed was only a light clear mist.

“Bless you” gently said Jim, then taking Matt’s face in his hand, he kissed him gently.

“Thanks” whispered Matt against Jim’s lips, then kissing him back.

"Are you alright ?"

"Yes. Jeez, sorry."

Jim kissed him again. Then Matt took the tray and placed it between them.

"Let's eat something. The tea is still hot."

“Thank you love” said Jim, realizing he was hungry after all.

He was going to take his cup but Matt took his to hand him, they smiled as their fingers touched at the same time. Jim took a sip of tea and Matt drank too. Then they eat together in comfortable silence. Then Jim looked at Matt who was clearing the tray while he finished his cup. And they lied down. They felt perfectly fine now. Warm, against each other.

“I know you're not going to believe me, but I'm not feeling like I have a cold” said Jim in a low voice.

"You're right, I'm not believing you" chuckled Matt, nuzzling his face into Jim's neck "But I try" he added.

"No but like...Maybe I am developing an allergy..."

“Let’s say you are, to what ?” Matt wondered, concerned again, kissing him gently on the neck.

Matt’s kisses felt like butterfly's wings on Jim’s skin. Jim shivered.

"I don't know. Beside horses, I have no other allergies."

"Maybe dust ?" suggests Matt.

"I don’t know…It's bugging me not knowing" Jim muttered as he hugged Matt.

"We could invest, test it to find out" suggested Matt, then adding "But I don't want to torture your beautiful nose..."

“Stop it” chuckled Jim, hiding his face into Matt’s curls.

"What ? You have a beautiful nose" protested Matt.

Matt's curls were tickling a bit Jim's beautiful nose in fact.

"Your hair are...Ti-tickling me..." mumbled Jim

"Sorry. Want me to move?"

"Huh...No...Hhhh...Wanna snee-ee-eeeze so bad..." said Jim, his beautiful deep's voice a bit distorted.

Matt turned his head slightly and gently rubbed his hair against Jim's face. That did the job perfectly.

"UPSHUH ! hHHUH-SSSHUH ! HhHH-HUH-hutshuh !" Jim sneezed freely on Matt.

Matt smiled.

"I'm so good at this" he said, raising his face to see Jim's.

Jim looked sorry but his expression changed into his cute pre-sneeze expression again.

"ITshhhIIUh !"

"Aw, bless you" said Matt, holding back a laugh as Jim's sneeze sounded like a kitten again.

Jim sat up and blew his nose, blushing a bit.

"But what is happening jeez..."

Matt lost his smile and thought.

"We really have to do an investigation" he said, half serious, half teasing.

"I...Matt, stop teasing" said Jim, who couldn't keep his seriousness.

"Did you sneeze before I came yesterday?" asked Matt.

"Oh so we are inv-in-inve-eeeEEEPSHUH ! Gosh !"

"Bless you dear"

Jim blew his nose harder.

"Stop, you're going to tear it apart" protested Matt.

Jim blushed again and rolled his eyes.

"Say my husband who prefers bleeding to sneeze normally."

Matt felt the emotion come over him as Jim called him "husband". Of course they were. But it made him feel emotional and aroused at the same time.

"ARRSHOO !" he sneezed.

He blinked, a little surprised. He had a little sprayed on Jim.

"Sorry" he sniffed.

"Bless you love" said Jim, getting excited again and then "Iiiii-shHHUUUH !" he sneezed again, turning his face right on time.

"Bless you" said Matt, smiling a bit.

He didn't understand why Jim suddenly blushed, not in his usual way, normally his cheeks blushed just a little, but now he was turning so red it was almost worrying.

"Hey what...what's happening ?"

"What" said Jim, avoiding Matt's piercing gauze.

"Love, you're red as..."

"Shut up" mumbled Jim, laying back.

"Hey talk to me ! We have to make a survey remember?" protested Matt.

Jim was still very red, which contrasted with his normally pale face. He turned, facing away from Matt. Stop blushing, gosh, was his thinking. Matt was surprised, he hesitated between laughter and concern as he was genuinely not knowing what was happening.

"Hey, husband. James ? Jim...Jimmy ! My dear Jim, please tell me..." almost sang Matt.

Jim felt the tickle coming again at "husband", fought a little at "Jimmy" but lost it completely at "My dear Jim" and sneezed a double quick sneeze, curling up on himself as doing so.

“Huhsshuh-SHUH !”

"Hey-hey..." said Matt, lying back against him, behind his back, whispering in his ear "You know something I don't, am I wrong dearest?"

“Please...Stop...ISHUH !” sneezed with despair Jim.

"Sorry" immediately said Matt, releasing Jim, afraid he was doing something wrong.

Jim turned and saw Matt's worried expression.

"There's ssnnfff sorry there's no need to investigate no more. I know what made me sneeze."

“Is it me ?” asked Matt, looking worried it was the case.

And the way Matt looked at him, full of tenderness and worry, was again too much.

“Huh-tishhhuhhh !” sneezed softly Jim against his pillow.

“Bless you” said Matt softly, still worried.

Jim grunted and hide his face against the pillow.

"Can't...Ugh...Can't tell you...That's so..."

"What ?"

"I think...Gosh that's so stupid..." mumbled Jim.

“Hey you can tell me everything” gently said Matt, the adding “If you want, of course.”

Again, too much.

"HushUH ! Gniishiew ! HU-SSSHUH !"

“Bless”

Jim mumbled something incomprehensible in a very low voice.

“What’s that ?” frowned Matt.

"I think you're making me sneeze because...Gosh...Because I'm desiring you so much right now it's not even...Even...EHSUH !" sneezed Jim, taking a handkerchief, hiding his face as he was blowing his nose.

Matt's eyes widened. Was that even possible? Jim placed the handkerchief on the table and hid his face in his hands.

"It's called honeymoon rhinitis. It when your sneezing during...You know, or even if you think about it...F-fuck that's..."

Matt was the one blushing hard now.

"But ehm...You started sneezing yesterday night and you couldn’t be attracted to me at this p...Oh." he realized.

“Well...” whispered Jim.

Matt felt his heart was dancing. Wow. He had been so afraid for Jim's health, or even to the idea he was making him sneezing well in fact I was but it was not that bad. Also, Jim wanted him since yesterday night. Oh dear. He started laughing, a nervous laugh.

“I know it’s perfectly stupid, no need to add more…” Jim muttered.

"I'm sorry" said Matt, and you could still hear the laugh in his voice, but he regained his seriousness when he saw that Jim was still hiding "I was so scared for you…And…And actually it's such a sweet reason I just can’t…”

Jim spread his fingers slightly and looked at Matt.

“You find that sweet ?” he asked in a tiny voice.

"Oh yeah" Matt whispered, bringing his face closer to Jim's.

[dwaekki]

I'm so happy you're back! The inducing scene in the shower was everything I could wish for- you really came back with a bang! Also poor Matt getting a nosebleed for stifling bless him, although I love stifles I don't want him to hurt himself haha, I enjoyed them while they lasted. Thank you for updating and always coming up with such sweet ideas, I'm always ready to read more, the forum's felt so bland for a while now without your updates hahaha. Thank you for putting your time into these amazing stories, I really could read them forever so please never stop!