On a mission to get sick: my logs

[Hygge]

Thanks so much everyone

I've been home from my trip for almost a week. Mom has to get a mastectomy because its pretty large and spread out, but it hasn't spread. She's so bad with surgery though, and I know it's scary for her. A good friend of hers that she worked with had to get a mastectomy a few years ago, and my mom passed out at work when friend came to visit just because she really feels for the people around her and things like injury and surgery are hard for her. So I know having to go through this herself now is tough... I wish she didn't have to have the surgery. I know it's not like an arm or leg, but it's still a body part and has a purpose and a function and is so connected with sensitive things like self image, memories of bonding as a young mother... I might be pretty overly sentimental but i think it sucks. And I wish it didn't have to happen. But I'm so relieved that it hasn't spread and can be taken care of.

About the getting sick thing, still nothing at all. It's about to be April. I'm so disappointed haha. Now there's this pressure to be healthy because I don't want my mom to get sick, especially during treatment, so I'm not trying to get sick at all. I still want it... But now I'm too paranoid and worried about making things worse for her, I just don't want anything to happen that would make it harder on her. I'm sort of going back and forth between my parents and grandma, still moving and working and figuring things out, so right now I'm actually at my grandmas. I guess the goal to get sick is on a hiatus. I haven't been sick in well over a year. I think I've been less healthy and more exposed and more stressed than years previous to this but somehow, I've pretty much missed the opportunity.

Edited March 31, 2014 by BubbleTea

[chessgod]

Hey, I don't know if this is a good section for this or where to post. I'm on a mission to catch a cold, I've been trying for years and haven't been successful. I've posted recently in general discussion a couple of times inquiring if anyone had any ideas that would help.. I want to do everything I can to try to get a cold before this season is over, so I want to keep a log of everything that I'm trying. Feel free to post and give me advice. I know this is weird, but I just like being sick and my immune system is ridiculously strong. So this is mostly to help me keep track of everything I do in order to reach my goal. I've tried a lot in the past but I'm just going to start fresh.

So it's currently 37 degrees outside (it doesn't get very cold where I live, this is really cold for the Houston area). I'm usually a supporter of the virus causing the cold, not the cold temperature, but I've tried everything to expose myself to the virus and nothing has worked. Maybe I just need some exposure to the cold weather to put me over the edge. So tonight I'm soaking my feet in cold water and going for a run outside. It's going to be really unpleasant haha. But I'm going to try to stay out for at least half an hour (which isn't long, I know, but it's past 1 AM right now). Then I'm going to continue to try to get little sleep tonight. Wish me luck.

I know I am new here, but I gotta ask, why would anyone WANT to get sick?...I mean really? not judging mind you, just really curious

[Hygge]

I know I am new here, but I gotta ask, why would anyone WANT to get sick?...I mean really? not judging mind you, just really curious

Hehe no problem. My reasons... Hmm idk, I very rarely get sick, and I start to wonder what it felt like. I'm really interested in the immune system and wish I could figure out like a formula for what would make me get sick. Like it seems like some people are susceptible to weather changes or contagion from others and when I try all of these things, I still fail xP

I like the sneezing, of course, haha. I just like the feeling. And I think I would get tired of it if I ever got sick, but until then I want it xP I just like it lol, kind of like someone who likes working out really hard so that they're in pain, just so they can get a painful but relieving massage haha. I want it just so I can enjoy the symptoms and nurture myself back to health, and feel renewed or something. It's kind of idealistic. But I want it

[chessgod]

I know I am new here, but I gotta ask, why would anyone WANT to get sick?...I mean really? not judging mind you, just really curious

Hehe no problem. My reasons... Hmm idk, I very rarely get sick, and I start to wonder what it felt like. I'm really interested in the immune system and wish I could figure out like a formula for what would make me get sick. Like it seems like some people are susceptible to weather changes or contagion from others and when I try all of these things, I still fail xP

I like the sneezing, of course, haha. I just like the feeling. And I think I would get tired of it if I ever got sick, but until then I want it xP I just like it lol, kind of like someone who likes working out really hard so that they're in pain, just so they can get a painful but relieving massage haha. I want it just so I can enjoy the symptoms and nurture myself back to health, and feel renewed or something. It's kind of idealistic. But I want it

weill if you like the sneezing, I would be more than happy to tickle your nose dear but I would say be happy for your strong immune system....when I used to teach chess in schools, the first yr I got sick 8 times!!! 8 in 6 months!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[NorthernLady]

I know you gonna be jealous and all but I caught another bug and it made me realize a little something about your own struggle to get sick.

You know I'm unemployed and I'm pretty antisocial so I don't get out much. Except for interviews and trip to the grocery store and occasional outing with friends, I don't see often the light of day. My immune system hasn't been challenged at all that last year so I guess that's why when I worked as a volunteer for a local audio show two weekends ago, I caught the most horrible sore throat and cough I never had.

But I should have seen it coming. I mean, saying hello to more than a hundred of people a day, entering and exiting a tiny room who was mostly packed with 15-20 interchanging people, and this for 4 days of 8-10 hours? The following morning, I found that my voice was kind of muffled and I had a little tickle that made me cough but I thought 'hey I talked to hundreds of people... usually never talk that much so maybe I just used up my voice' I laugh now... the day after, I was so dead tired and achy with a burning throat that I just couldn't lie to myself anymore. I'd caught myself some wicked virus.

So anyway, moral of this story... I'm pretty sure you don't get sick because you challenge your immune system too much. You should definitely take a brake, embrace the germaphobe way for a little while because when you'll go back to your anti-germaphobe way, your bound to catch something. That's my take on it.

[irishsneezeandkisses]

I just stumbled on this little gem now; I read all 205 posts at once! I agree with NorthernLady, an immune system that hasn't been exposed to much is more likely to get sick than an immune system that's been exposed to a lot. Try taking a break for a while, you may even want to become a total germaphobe for a month and then go back to trying to catch a cold.

[Hygge]

I know you gonna be jealous and all but I caught another bug and it made me realize a little something about your own struggle to get sick.

I am kind if jealous hehe that's a good point. I'm kind of in the transition of moving so I haven't been working much and have been spending a lot of time inside often by myself. But I still like to get out to go places and see people. I haven't been trying as hard for a while, but still making an effort nonetheless.

I just stumbled on this little gem now; I read all 205 posts at once! I agree with NorthernLady, an immune system that hasn't been exposed to much is more likely to get sick than an immune system that's been exposed to a lot. Try taking a break for a while, you may even want to become a total germaphobe for a month and then go back to trying to catch a cold.

Welcome and thanks for reading xD yeah, I've even tried to take up some semi germaphobe habits like using hand sanitizer often. But I still try to touch my face and infect myself before washing away the germs haha. But I had a friend that was really germaphobe and used hand sanitizer like crazyyy. And she got sick all the time.

So my throat is ridiculously sore right now. I'm making tea xP my allergies have been pretty annoying and they always make my throat pretty awful. But it's usually just super scratchy, not this sore, and have been more sniffly than normal (and thicker, tmi I know but relevant xP) so... You know I get my hopes up every time this happens but... I'm kind of starting to wonder if I really could finally be sick. But maybe once the morning is over the symptoms will have calmed down, that's usually how it goes with my allergies...

Anywayyy so I'm at new house and the glass on my window is soooo thin. I could hear every word the neighbors said while they were outside last night, and they were up until almost 7 am. Then I woke up to them blasting screamo music at 10. Yay.

Anyway maybe this will all be fleeting allergies and I'll be disappointed again but I can't help but wonder haha.

[Hygge]

just here to say don't worry about the never ending false alarm. Just as I figured, allergy medicine helped and every things back to better other than the never-ending sore throat that'll be here until allergy season is over lol. It's like getting sick without the enjoyable symptoms instead just stuck with the throat pain that never blossoms into a cold xD what a tease, body.

[Hygge]

I just feel like rambling because I'm up late and this thread is like my diary lol. Welcome to tmi from a stranger that you don't care about

Let's start with the applicable stuff. Allergies. Drive me crazy. In the mornings I'm normally pretty sniffly and sneezy, then it goes away after about lunch time and I'm fine the rest of the day. Except for the dumb throat stuff. I've gone to so many doctors and my parents always talk about how they should bring me to more now that we're in a bigger city, but it's so expensive and I'm really just tired of the doctor "business." I didn't know it was allergies (we had moved to a new place) and the first few doctors treated it like an infection. It did nothing haha. So one doctor finally mentioned that it could be allergies. He still gave me antibiotics lol. But I started buying allergy meds and that helps. All the doctors are like "it's probably not a big deal" and I'm like... Okay fine, I didn't come to the doctor because I thought I was dying, I came because I want the problem to go away lol. But still they're always like "as long as your lymph node doesn't keep getting bigger it's not a big deal".... Anyway there's that rant. So now during awesome allergy season, I just get to have awesome sore, scratchy throat for forever haha. It's not horrible, I'm just bitter about doctors being expensive and not helpful at all.

Sooo tomorrow me and the sister are going to the zoo with a group of young adults from church. I've only been to that church like twice so I barely know them haha. So hopefully allergies won't be a big deal tomorrow, I'd be so embarrassed haha. My sister is extremely high and mighty lol. During any situation. She blames others for absolutely everything, she thinks of herself as pretty much all knowing and perfect, and thinks its her God given duty to tell others what to do xD she's funny and generally nice as long as you agree with everything she says hahaha. But ohhh it can get old. Last week we went to a different church and a stranger greeted her and wanted to high five her. And she told him off and explained to him that he was getting a bad reaction because normal people don't act the way he was acting... I was like.... x.x don't know this chick hahah. She majored in psychology and thinks she knows everyone's thoughts and can fix everyone if they just listen to her xP soooo idk how much this fun little group knows her. Anyway she's a fun sister, those are just all of her flaws xD

I've basically been staying up mega late and sleeping in mega late and doing like nothing. I've learned a bunch of new piano songs and played fun computer games and watched movies and occasionally gone with sister to do things like buy creamer lol. I'm so terribly unmotivated. I just want to not be around anyone or have to do anything for a while. I want to be hidden and not told what to do. I want connections so I can figure out my plan with school and work and whatever, because all of the connections that I currently have aren't working out the way I hoped. I want to just be unplugged from the world for a while without feeling the shame of being a needy human. I want to do things myself, but I'm too scared with people watching. I want to move away from my family xP

My family is really negative. I never really noticed it until I was influenced by another family. And now I strive to choose happiness. But my whole family doesn't. They complain a lot but do nothing. They stay up and complain about how tired they are instead of going to sleep. They complain about how they need to exercise but never do. They talk about how nice the weather is but never go outside. They form habits that they don't notice, and they complain about their results. And I'm past pointing it out. I'm not my sister. But she's one of them. And I know I have characteristics of theirs and sometimes it makes me sick. I don't want to be like them xP but parts of me are their flaws at full capacity haha. I'm much more prone to hopelessness, but also more prone to activity and joy. I'm definitely overly sentimental like all of them, but I suppress except for releasing it places like journals or...ahem... On a certain forum where no one knows me. I'm judgmental and manipulative like they are, but I'm also more forgiving and carefree and try to get the best for the people I love rather than just myself. And yet I'm still their flaws.

Anyway... So it's like 5 in the morning. I just feel like... Rambling or something. Because the only people I had to talk to are't there for me now, so my thoughts end up here

I don't even really know why I want to be sick. It might be an attention thing, but I think the attention (tho not from my family, ick) would just be a bonus. I would still want it even if I was completely by myself. I like the feeling. I like being vulnerable and authentic and raw and unable to hide. And being sick really forces that kind of authenticity. I'm a terrible faker, I've never been one and could never be lol. I want the real thing that cannot be faked. The real, undeniable symptoms. I would love to be taken care of by someone but I don't have anyone at the moment. I can take care of myself though, I still want it.

Bravo to anyone that actually read that. I'm not writing for it to be read, not AT ALL. I'll probably be ashamed of this by tomorrow lol, but right now I just want to be real. You can thank my phone for auto correct fails and typos. I tried to fix the ones I noticed xD

Edited April 12, 2014 by BubbleTea

[Hygge]

Zoo trip was good, nothing was weird, it was all fantastic.

I'm still super... introspective and numb, though. It's just like... weird stage, it'll pass. So I feel like just... being honest, trying to sort things out loud, trying to figure out this life thing and try to improve it haha. And that makes for rambly pointless posts and stupid disassociation. xP Because I'm careless and overwhelmed and care too much to be authentic in person.

I say this often, but there's this quote that I adore from a book we read in high school... I don't remember the exact wording, but basically something like "I don't know what to say, but if I say too much at least the words I want you to hear will be in there somewhere." And I was like...dude, I relate to that. So. Much. I would always rather say to much, hoping that in retrospect I can solve the problems or that the person I'm talking to will understand and find the words that I can't articulate.

Anyway. I felt like puking today just from nerves and stuff hahhh such a wimp. But I didn't. And allergies are still a little intense. But nothing embarrassing happened and it's okay.

I'm so worried about stuff with my mom and no one tells me anything and they all act like they don't want me here. They don't want to listen to anything I say or tell me anything, they don't want to acknowledge me. They want to talk to each other and I feel like the outsider, which is nothing new with my family, but I'm just moving back in with them and I thought it would be different, or at least that I would be okay with it. But my close "lean on" friends are either too busy (I hope) or are done caring. So, yeah, hi internet, there's my short little excuse, noooo big deal, I'm not trying to complain at all. I'm just like....ridiculous, and a stupid person, and giving some reasons for my actions because I don't want to be judged xP

[Hygge]

Back to normal I'm just not gonna regret whatever I do. I don't care

Sooo it suddenly got pretty cold here. I'm just wondering if that'll bring a small cold spike to the area again. Cus I mean, it's hot where I live. By some miracle it was cold last night. But that won't last, and I pretty much think my chances to get sick this year are gone :/ so sad.

But now I'm occasionally doing things around people like church and small group and hanging out and stuff. So I'm around more people. At least there's that.

[Little_sniffle]

Ok, I've been lurking this for a while and can I just say that I am SO FREAKING JEALOUS OF YOUR IMMUNE SYSTYM. I know you really want to get sick and I can see how that would be really frustrating, but seeing as I woke up with my 5th sneezy, snotty, gross cold of the year this morning, I really envy you. I'm always sick and it's so annoying!! I feel like such a nucense at work and stuff now... I would switch with you in a heartbeat!!

[Hygge]

Ok, I've been lurking this for a while and can I just say that I am SO FREAKING JEALOUS OF YOUR IMMUNE SYSTYM. I know you really want to get sick and I can see how that would be really frustrating, but seeing as I woke up with my 5th sneezy, snotty, gross cold of the year this morning, I really envy you. I'm always sick and it's so annoying!! I feel like such a nucense at work and stuff now... I would switch with you in a heartbeat!!

Aw, yeah I know it's something I should be thankful for, cus I'm sure I would hate it if I was getting colds like every other month. But I want it so much D:

I would hate to feel like the "sick kid" at work or something though I'm sure it's not that way in reality, I'm sure the people that matter care about you and don't think you're a nuisance. But still I can imagine how bad it would feel to be the always sick one still having to carry on with normal life.

So feel better I would at least trade spots with you for 1 year. Then I'd see if I'm sick of it after that hah. Haha... SiCK of it...ha...

I'm still not sick and no one around me is sick but have been staying at the cousins for a couple of days for Easter. They have cats. And I'm allergic to cats. And I forgot my allergy meds wahhhh. So my throat is like going nuts, my lungs are reallyyy tight. I'm sneezing allll the time which is kind of embarrassing at a family thing. I hardly ever sneeze in multiples unless its causes by allergies, and here I'll sneeze at least 3 times and often more. It's so awko. But I'm stifling like crazy haha. So I guess it could be considered "close enough" to a cold but I want a real cold this is just way more itchy and annoying and stuff. Not the same feeling. And I hate that it makes my lungs freak out and become so tight.

[magpie98]

Oh my God, I just discovered this today, and read through the whole thing. This log honestly reads like a book, and I really enjoyed getting to know you in this weird, stalker-ish way. Really hope everything works out for you, with the trying to get sick, as well as all the other stuff that's going on in your life. I always get sick when I'm stressed, so maybe there's a silver lining to everything you're going through. Fingers crossed, right?

[Hygge]

Oh my God, I just discovered this today, and read through the whole thing. This log honestly reads like a book, and I really enjoyed getting to know you in this weird, stalker-ish way. Really hope everything works out for you, with the trying to get sick, as well as all the other stuff that's going on in your life. I always get sick when I'm stressed, so maybe there's a silver lining to everything you're going through. Fingers crossed, right?

Aw you're so sweet glad you enjoyed it haha, it's kind of turned into something weird that i didn't expect xP but its ok I guess.

So now I'm back from the cousins and the annoying cat allergies. I got sooo wasted last night ugh. Me and the cousin. It was fun, then I was puking for like 5 hours D: and throughout today. My whole family just thinks I have like a stomach bug. And we had to drive 6 hours home, so much fun with a hardcore hangover. I didn't mean to drink that much at alllll ugh I hate alcohol. xP

But magically it like cured the allergies lol. I remember not giving a crap and letting my nose drip down my face when I was so sick last night, but once I woke up today, the allergy symptoms were like overtaken by hangover ones lol. So that's kind of funny. Allergies came back slowly as hangover went away. I'm still a little bit like blahhh but it'll be ok. It was such a bad idea to drink that much xP

Edited April 21, 2014 by BubbleTea

[Hygge]

Last night I had this dream where my complicated / ex bf came over and was sick and was super inconsiderate about it. Haha it was so annoying. I'm to the point where he bugs me more than family. And everyone always tells me to try to talk to him and end it and ohhhh I've tried. I've tried downgrading to friends, then he always thinks theirs hope to win me over. I try to cut it off completely but he won't leave me alone, he's like devastated and begs to just be friends. And it's so obnoxious.

So today he wanted to come over and I was like uh nope. I just got home and still kinda hungover and like... I just don't want to encourage him. He lives like 2 hours away. So a few hours later... He shows up at my house with candy bars as a "peace offering" and I'm like... What? No respect. He's polite, does things like bring candy bars. But extremely inconsiderate. Doesn't listen to people, doesn't care if he ruins people's stuff or anything. And his voice is all husky of course. Ugh. Stupid dream predicted the future. So my moms going through cancer treatment, and he's like having a 5 year old over who practically tries to get other people sick. So I asked him why his voice was weird and he said he's getting sick and I tell him he needs to leave. I explain the whole thing with my mom being really susceptible right now and how inconsiderate it his for him to not even give a warning or anything, just to show up and expose her when she's so vulnerable. And his grandma who he stays with when he comes is also very weak and we always have to be careful when we visit her. And he just comes over anyway, doesn't think of anyone... I told him not to come, he still comes... So I was like, just leave, don't even want to see him right now or talk to him, I'm not his parent and I shouldn't have to teach him to be considerate.

For one thing, I just can't even stand him these days haha. And him being sick. Ugh I hate it. But I can't believe he would expose my mom and his grandma without even thinking. He knows to be careful. Or he should but doesn't care. :/

Even if this is like a chance for me to get sick. I don't care, I'm not going to expose my mom during her treatment just because I want to get sick. And I'm much more careful and considerate than him, still I wouldn't want to take the chance.

My best friends mom had cancer and died recently from getting pneumonia developing from being sick. I'd much rather be safe. He knows about my best friend's mom, he knows that his grandma can't handle that, he knows that my mom is going through treatment... He doesn't even bother to mention anything. Even if I was going over to see a friend that was healthy and wanted my company, I would warn them that I was sick before coming over. I would make sure they don't mind. I told him not to come, he still came, said nothing and puts people at risk... :/

It frustrates me. Just another example of how inconsiderate he can be. He's not the one for me and I don't know why he wants to waste his time trying to stay with me. We've talked about it, he should know that no matter what I will not change my mind and don't want to be with him. I think he should find someone that actually wants him, someone that loves him the way he is. And he would rather not let me go. But I can't just keep being nice to him and giving fuel to his hope by ever seeing him. I just have to be done with him. Clean break. Because otherwise he'll always think he can earn my love. And that's not the truth. I just hope that he'll respect my privacy and not just keep showing up when I tell him I don't want to see him...

[Hygge]

It's weird how supportive of ridding my life of the ex the family became haha. My family is NOT supportive. They pretty much live to debate. Whatever standpoint I have (or any singled out person in the family has), they strive to counter it and expose its alternatives in an appealing way or something... there's competition to win an argument, competition to have the better idea...

So... I mean... I don't know. They were never supportive of me dumping him until I missed having someone to hang out with. I mean, I just moved, I don't have a car, I don't know anyone in this area... I don't mind the bf as a friend, but I really don't want to encourage him. I'd rather have other friends and let us grow apart, because to him friendship means intention to reel me into a relationship. And I don't want to encourage that. But I don't want to be alone, left to the pack of wolves that my family loves to be. I mean, I'm like them. I like to be right, I like to debate, I like to point out the alternative perspective and stand by it in argument for like no reason haha. I'm just like them. But I'm also different, more accepting of others and their opinions, more optimistic yet more prone to despondency... More fun and energetic, yet also more disturbed and somewhat morbid even... That's probably not the right word. Point being, I guess I'm overall more emotional than they are, in every spectrum. They are consistently negative and positive to an equal and monotonous amount. They're constantly complaining about petty problems, they're constantly bragging about petty victories, their constantly scorning others for petty things, constantly building themselves up for minor things.... And it bothers me, because they claim to be...they strive to appear as a successful family, and they always have. They aren't encouraging, and I WISH they were, so much. They don't hug, cuddle, kiss, touch, comfort, confront, listen, or try to strengthen a bond. But they try to appear like they do. And it frustrated me a lot more when I was a teenager, but now I still look back on it and PRAY that I won't turn out to be the parents they are. They're too busy trying to put on the "happy family" image to invest anything into the family.

I wish I had a do-over, with parents that looked for my potential and encouraged me and helped me learn about life and what I want to be and what I'm good at. I wish I wasn't just thrust into adulthood with no idea how to even crawl. I wish I had parents that had me with intentions to love ME, rather than had me for intentions to lavish abundance on themselves. And I want to be the parent that dedicated their life to their child, that encourages them rather than trying to debate them or disprove them, and helps them when they're stuck rather than insulting their mistakes.

This is so off topic. My relationship with my family is like my relationship with my ex, sort of. I like them as friends, I enjoy hanging out with them to an extent. I appreciate the similarities we have like sarcasm and muse, but it doesn't take long for the insults to start flying and the debates to take over and then I'd rather just leave quietly. I'd rather them support whatever decision I make, and even point out the "bright side" instead of tossing down every option I come up with. They encourage me to be absolutely mediocre. And that's sad... Could I have had potential if I was nurtured? I got all A's and never studied. I can write decently, sing decently, dance decently, skate, swim, speak, WHATEVER decently. I'm obnoxiously well-rounded, in a way that nothing is grand. I'm just extremely, ultra-average. And when I point out an idea that I would like to try, like a job idea, a hobby I would like to try, a club I would like to join... I'm always just shot down with some kind of "good luck with that" or "you'll never be successful enough." They just encourage us to be oh so average. Get a job at a coffee shop instead of doing an internship in something I'd enjoy. Don't waste time writing or singing or with video games or skating, I'll never be good enough at any of those things to be successful. Yeah, with a paper-thin wall of encouragement to lean on like that, I don't really know what I'm good at, if anything. What if I could be writing for something other than a fucking sneeze fiction forum? I love this site, I love the stories on here, there are some great writers that are A LOT better than me, blah blah... but the point is... I don't know how to fortify a passion, I don't know how to kindle a fire. And all of this average stuff that I'm doing now, this is my life, and I'm restricted to enjoying it without the roots to grow them into something I can actually do for the rest of my life. They're restricted to guilty pleasures and hobbies that I should disregard and not waste my time on, because it's more important to pay the bills and get a normal job. I know, paying the bills is important. But I think being happy is way more important MULTIPLIED. Isn't that what life is about? Enjoying what you do, love, family, friends, relationships...

So anyway, you wanted an update? Cool, nothing has changed. I just think a lot. And it feels good to see the words spoken in English instead of in "feels"... lol.

I'm not really trying to get sick these days. I don't want to expose my mom... if I did get sick, I would go stay at my grandma's / my other home, but how evil is that? The lesser of two evils is to expose grandma instead of mom with cancer. I can wait... I don't even have anyone in my life to take care of me or care, and I don't want to have a target on my back that draws mega negative attention to me from my family xP

Sooooo... basically now that I'm like, uh, I want to get out of the house. And I don't have a car. My ex is always begging to hang out. Can we be friends? CAN we hang out? I enjoy having someone to skate with and play video games with, though I don't exactly enjoy him and don't want him to stay latched to me forever. But otherwise, hey, it's me and my thoughts and my family haha. And the friends that I have that are far away now and we don't talk about the deep shit and we don't even talk that often anymore anyway.

So whooooo cares right? I want my life to be mine, and they missed the opportunity to encourage me to make that decision. I made it on my own, without them, and I'm really glad that I somehow wasn't brainwashed by them and am able to choose to be happy and different from them. But it's gonna take time and effort and I hate those things. And I have to figure out how to get motivation and how to invest and find my talents and my passions and what I even enjoy doing. Screw what they say.

[Hygge]

Soooo my sister's sick. So it seems. And I'm kind of torn about stopping the illness hopefully before it would spread to the rest of the family, or taking advantage of the close proximity germs and trying to infect myself.

So here's what I'm doing... not really trying, but if it happens, let it. I'm not going to dig for her tissues and stuff like that, but I have been touching what she touches. Like, if it spreads to the rest of the family anyway, I don't want to miss out. And as grossed out as I am by family germs, I'd rather get it from my sister than like my parents. Bleh. So... making a small effort but we'll see.

[Hygge]

So my sister is still sick. It's not bad at all, though. She's like barely sneezing, not coughing, not even snotty haha, her voice is just congested. It's a total wimp virus, I don't think it would effect me even if I tried to attack myself with it lol.

The only things I've done in a casual attempt to get it are touching what she touches and touching my face. Basically, I'm not trying to avoid it. Basically we're the same as we would be if she weren't sick haha, touching the same things, sharing things, etc. And I'm not making any effort to avoid that.

But no symptoms for me, and I'm not really expecting any. I waited to see if she would get worse, but it's been like 3 or 4 days of her being sick, it's not getting worse before it gets better. For one thing... I have been trying for like 2 years to get sick. I would be DISAPPOINTED if what I ended up with was a weak virus like this that had practically no symptoms lol. For another, I mean if I managed to not catch the BAD bugs, the flu, the heavy / severe colds, etc, from all of the people around me while I was trying as hard as possible to get them, I seriously doubt that something this wimpy would take me out hahah.

So I'm okay. I would normally be pretty frustrated again at trying and failing AGAIN... But I don't want this, I want more lol. And I want it at a time when my mom isn't vulnerable and when I would have someone to take care of me...

I really want to move. SO MUCH. My best friend in Idaho wants us to share an apartment, and I would love that. I'm from Idaho if you didn't know, moved to TX my last year of High School, didn't make any effort to make friends here. I really don't like the culture, the pride, the "souther hospitality" which is really just people assuring you to call on them if you need anything, only for them to say "sorry, I can't do that today / right now, but seriously, ask me if you need ANYTHING."... so bogus lol.

Yeah it's not all bad people. It's just my perception and opinion, of course. Just saying, I would LOVE to get out of here. Get away from the judgment of my parents, and around peers and friends and enjoying life and time and things to do... So I might save up some money and do that. Why not.

[Hygge]

So today the complicated ex/bf had to bring his sister and her friend to get their hair done for prom. I had like just woken up and he texted me and wanted to come see me. I wanted food... so I agreed to go get food with him xP

We only hung out for like an hour. We just got food, and went to a supermarket so we could get a few things. Then he dropped me off at home.

My nose has been all tickly today. I took an allergy pill and now its better, but it was kind of obnoxious. I was like wiping my nose and the bf/thing returned with our food and I didn't expect him coming, it totally scared the snot (hah. haha. so corny) out of me. xP I had like looked around to make sure no one was watching me, for some reason I'm stupidly self conscious about like wiping my nose in front of people lol. So I like jumped in my seat when I heard the door open xP

Anyway, nothing interesting other than that. I'm kind of wondering if my sister just has allergies that are acting up or something, and she just never experienced them. This is her first season in this area, so there's a first time for everything eh? Anyway, I just kind of wonder because like my whole family has allergies to something, and mine got a lot worse once I moved down here. And her symptoms don't seem bad / consistent enough to be a cold, though she tells everyone that she has one. So maybe I'm wrong, but it hasn't changed from its wimpy sniffly stage and nothing more. So I just wonder.

[CHOCOLATE <3]

Ugh. I feel you. I don't think I've ever caught a cold. My immune system is RIDICULOUSLY strong. I really want to catch a cold or the flu or something to see what it feels like because I have absolutely NO IDEA

[CHOCOLATE <3]

(I know I'm late to this) I'm going to take a freezing shower in a few minutes (It's 10:06 PM where I live), and sleep with wet hair, the fan on, and not many blankets. I've had a stuffy nose for the past few days (although I feel fine), so hopefully this'll push me over the edge haha. Plus I'm definitely pulling an all nighter tomorrow because I have my psychology final on tuesday haha.

[Hygge]

(I know I'm late to this) I'm going to take a freezing shower in a few minutes (It's 10:06 PM where I live), and sleep with wet hair, the fan on, and not many blankets. I've had a stuffy nose for the past few days (although I feel fine), so hopefully this'll push me over the edge haha. Plus I'm definitely pulling an all nighter tomorrow because I have my psychology final on tuesday haha.

Good luck! Definitely let me know how it goes, I hope it can push you over edge.

[CHOCOLATE <3]

(I know I'm late to this) I'm going to take a freezing shower in a few minutes (It's 10:06 PM where I live), and sleep with wet hair, the fan on, and not many blankets. I've had a stuffy nose for the past few days (although I feel fine), so hopefully this'll push me over the edge haha. Plus I'm definitely pulling an all nighter tomorrow because I have my psychology final on tuesday haha.

Good luck! Definitely let me know how it goes, I hope it can push you over edge.

Thank you! I'll keep you posted, as long as you keep me posted

[Hygge]

So I'm laying here about to explode and trying to find some way to pull the cork and release the pressure, and I never want to vent to people irl because it just seems like complaining and obnoxious and stupid. The only place I could think of to try to get it out is here xP not much to do with this post unless I can stretch it by say stress will lower my immune system...wouldn't that be awesome, not even directly trying and have this stress magically blossom into a cold. But bad things only get worse lol, worse for others means getting sick, worse for me comes in a different form.

Anywayyy so no one needs to read this. That's the point, I need somewhere to put it to get it out of my head, where people can know what's going on without me having to explode all over them or embarrass myself in front of irl ppl or lose my cool... So I don't even want to say what's going on. It's just like, people tell you to do something that isn't in your own best interest, but you so it anyway to show them you care and value them. But they're just out to be your enemy and don't appreciate anything you do for them. They just blame you and change the rules on you so they have a reason to insult you. And I want to fight back but I know that won't help and I want to just do what they say so they'll be proud of me or appreciate me but instead they just find another reason to gripe. Ugh. I don't know why either... Just like out of nowhere, character change. And I start to just do my own thing and try to stay away and they insult me for doing my own thing and staying away. I can't win and I would give up if I could... :/

So frustrating. I just sit there, take whatever they say, maybe say "yeah" to something and try to not cry in front of them cus I suck and cry and everything. Frick yes I'm crying right now. It's hard enough for me to stay composed in front of people. That's the thing, i try not to be selfish by like being so hurt and upset and crying and whatever, I try to be calm and okay, and maybe they don't realize what they're doing but to them I'm just their argument. I can't say anything without them taking it, twisting it, and making an argument about it. They ask my opinion and I share it, but they tear me to pieces for it. And I don't want to share anymore or talk to anyone. I just want to hang out alone and freaking cry about it because I hate that I try so hard just to be kicked down repeatedly. I don't understand why they turned on me....

So there's no solution at the moment. I have all the words I want to say to them hammering inside my head but its useless to try them, I would just be the same as them... Telling them what I don't like about them. At least i would try to be respectful but I'm sure they would still be easily offended. So this isn't exactly helpful but it's okay. Time heals all wounds, I don't have to stay here forever, but I don't know how to get out...

For anyone wondering, nope still haven't gotten sick. Sigh.