I Hunger Only For You (Into the Wild With Me) -Chapters 16/16

[Lily]

coucou ! Omg I read the last chapters so quickly last night and this morning I was so happy to see you post another one but I can't wait to read next chapter. Jamie is so sweet I'm feeling very sad for him like he didn't have a chance to explain to River and have to keep so many things to himself it feels so unfair. I really relate to Jamie's personality. I just want to hug him and tell him it's going to be ok (please 🥺). I'm not even mad at River because I can understand his side too. The frustration and the anger is blinding him and it's a shame but if I was in his situation I'm sure I would have a similar reaction. I know it's unfair and all but you can be so fragilized about society when you're an LGBTQ+ person I guess you try to protect yourself more even if it's not done properly and you can actually hurt people too in that process. On another note the fact that Jamie started to sneeze was a strong wish from my part so I'm so glad I loveeeee the idea he catched a cold. And it make sense too : as Jamie is weakened by so many things that he catches a cold. Brilliant !! I can't wait for the interactions between River and Jamie. Your writing is everything. You put so much in that story it's everything I wanted and it's even better than I thought merci mille fois ❤️

 

[dwaekki]

Aww Jamie hes too sweet for his own good, hopefully he'll get a lovely caregiver soon! Loving this plot 🥰

[Privatedancer]

Love this chapter and I agree I hope Jamie gets a caregiver!  I feel bad for how lonely, and terrified he must feel about having to keep his identity hidden.

[Alabaster]

Ugh! I need river to care for him

[thesneezyowl]

Poor Jamie! I feel so bad for him! And you know River is suffering and hurt too. I looooove how you made him sick from bond rejection. It’s just SO GOOD! I can’t wait to see how River handles seeing him sick. And how Jamie handles the situation. If this were a novel I would t put it down until it’s done!!! Can’t wait for the next chapter!! 

[thesneezyowl]

I will stay patient. I will not obsess. I will stay patient. I will not obsess. 

[dwaekki]

@thesneezyowl omg we're on the same page hahaha I need to stop checking up here every few hours 💀

[Not Telling]

 

On 8/7/2023 at 12:50 AM, solitaire-au said:

And the fear of being outed as a wolf, especially after the cafe worker was would be fearful prospect for him, but it’s so in character for him to take the risk and contribute anyway. Jamie strikes as the kind of person who would readily help others, but would have great difficulty in accepting help for himself, partly because he’d have spent so much of his life being solitary and independent.

Jamie is such a sweetheart isn't he? He's so naturally caring, giving, and extends a lot of empathy but you're totally right, it doesn't come natural to him to accept what he so readily gives to others. 

On 8/7/2023 at 1:48 AM, Lily said:

'm not even mad at River because I can understand his side too. The frustration and the anger is blinding him and it's a shame but if I was in his situation I'm sure I would have a similar reaction. I know it's unfair and all but you can be so fragilized about society when you're an LGBTQ+ person I guess you try to protect yourself more even if it's not done properly and you can actually hurt people too in that process.

Precisely. His reaction, while perhaps not entirely fair to Jamie, is a conditioned response brought on by a society and social system that actively harms, oppresses, and discriminates against people that identify as LGBTQ+ Jamie gets this more than most as another marginalized member of society and can put himself in River's position and understand where he's coming from. There are a number of people in Jamie's position who would respond with either anger or they would would try to minimize and invalidate what the other person is feeling, and why they might be feeling that way. Jamie doesn't try to take away River's truth and he also doesn't rise to his anger, which prevents the relationship from being totally damaged, and leaves room for them to bridge the gap. 

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Hello friends! My deepest apologies for keeping you waiting and thank you for your patience. Mondays are rather crazy for me. I really tried to get this one out to y'all yesterday but it wasn't quite ready for publication well past my bedtime I had to push it but @thesneezyowl and @dwaekki your comments are so sweet and I'm so glad that you're enjoying this enough to eagerly await new chapters. 🥰

I at least hope with this chapter it was worth the wait.

@Privatedancer @thesneezyowl @Alabaster I noted a very common request from the last comments, seems we want River to deliver some TLC to Jamie. Will your wishes be granted.....?

The song that inspired this chapter title comes off of one of my favorite records and I thought was pretty apropos but I'll admit I had a whole playlist going on for this chapter, so if you're looking for some mood reading here are some of the songs that I had playing while writing:  

• Stateless - "Bloodstream"
• Nothing But Thieves - "Particles" 
• Jake Bugg - "Broken"
• Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - "I Need You" 
• Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - "Waiting For You"
• The Temper Trap - "Trembling Hands" 
• Dead Man's Bones - "My Bodies a Zombie For You" (Fun fact Ryan Gosling- yes that Ryan Gosling- is a member of this band).

The first 4 songs in particular just hit you right in the chest. They're so beautiful and lyrically profound, please, I selfishly implore you to listen because everyone needs to understand how perfect they are for this story. haha

Anyways without any further adieu. Here is the next chapter....

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Chapter 6: But Now It's Come To Distances and Both of Us Must Try

When Jamie wakes up after a fitful and dream tortured night, shivering and coughing, a bone cracking lethargy having overthrown his body and a muscle lassitude that makes him feel like he can barely move he knows he’s in for the long haul. He had rather hoped that the knowledge of what he was going through would somehow instantaneously cure him of his affliction. Of course it doesn’t work like that, just like how knowing the source of your grief doesn’t make you move through the stages of grief any faster.

At the rate of molasses he shakily pulls himself into a pair of Kuhl dark Kahki work pants, a white polo, and tool belt suspenders. A sharp prickle builds in his nose.

Hhhehh…Hhhehh…Hhhehh’TssStchiew..Hheh…Hhuuh...Haaa’TsssTchiew.

Jamie groans. It’s going to be a long day. He grits his teeth. He’ll get through this, it’ll get better, it has to, he doesn't know how much longer he'll be able to exist like this, not if this is what it's going to be like living with bond rejection. 

But by mid-morning it’s gone from bad to worse. He hasn’t stopped shivering, the despair coursing through his bloodstream. He hasn’t seen or spoken to River in a week now and his body is clearly not responding well to not being around him. Last week he had chance to be around River a few times, little snippets of togetherness that although were strained, seemingly giving him the prescription he needed to assuage some of his symptoms of bond rejection.

In the stark absence, deprivation is the only reality Jamie faces right now. The physical manifestation of the bond rejection is practically unbearable but he forces himself to not give credence to what he’s feeling. Mind over matter. He thinks he’ll beat these symptoms of this damn bond rejection into submission. He doesn’t have time to be laid up by some mythical werewolf lore.  Least of all today when he has work cut out for himself.  

There’s a severe thunderstorm in the area and all outdoor events have been cancelled. Jamie is tasked with reassigning the three events that were scheduled outside to indoor venues. He had to do some fenagling with the room schedules but he found a way to make everything work. He's got two of the set-ups complete and is working on the last one. He's carrying a table when he is overcome with a fit of three sneezes.

Hhhehh…Hhhehhh…Hheh’ESSsTchiew Hehh…Hhhehh’SssTchiew Hhheh..Heh’ESssTchiew.

The last sneeze has Jamie tripping over himself. He drops the table and nearly face plants. He tries to get up but the lead in his body makes it impossible. He’s so weak and he’s so tired. The sounds of thunder outside echo the shock waves that reverberate through his brain.

He hears someone saying his name and it splices through the numbness clouding Jamie.

He looks up to see Mel standing beside him.

He gets up abruptly but is immediately wracked with a nasty coughing fit. “Sorry, sorry, I just—tripped I’m almost done-“

Mel kindly interjects “Jamie, I’ve seen the hours you’ve been pulling lately. You’re working yourself into the ground.”

“No, I’m fine, I just need to finish—“

“Jamie, nothing that needs to get done is worth more than your health. I am hereby ordering you to go home. I’ll finish up what you have for the rest of the day, and we can work out work distribution for the rest of the week if needed.”

“But I—“

“Jamie, if it was anyone else" then she adds knowingly "if it was River, would you have them be working in the state your in.”

“No” Especially if it was River Jamie thinks “But—“  

“No buts, if you wouldn’t allow someone else to work in this condition why do you demand it of yourself? I know you care about your work, and being reliable, I see it daily. I also see that you will give your right arm to help someone but you need to care of yourself and if you’re not going to give yourself that, than I’m going to make sure someone else does. Go home get some rest.”

What I have isn’t going to go away with rest. Jamie thinks but sighs resigned. “Okay, I’ll go home. I’m sorry.”

“Only be sorry if you continue to needlessly push yourself. I'm not a tyrant Jamie, I don't expect my employees to work when they're sick.”

Jamie blushes and stumbles to explain "I—I don't think that. I know you're a very conscientious manager, I just, I don't want to let anyone down." 

Mel nods kindly. "Jamie, the only person you're letting down by not taking care of yourself is you. We'll manage for a few days while you get well." 

"I—thank you." he says, honestly relieved, his body is so heavy and sore. Just lifting his arm by mere centimeters feels like he's trying to overhead press 200 kilos much less attempting to move tables and chairs and any other manner of things. 

As soon as Jamie walks into the cabin and is hit with the potent smell of River it nearly doubles him over with searing and scorching heart-ache. He wonders if River came home for lunch. His heart pinches, God this hurts. This is more than sadness, it’s more than anything he’s every felt before. This is anguish.

Suddenly there’s a loud boom followed by a crackling pop and the lights go dead. He waits a couple of minutes but the power doesn’t kick back on from the back-up generator he knows operates both the main lodge and the employee housing. Shit, that means the computer system is down. Jamie looks at the clock on his phone, it’s nearly check-in. River won’t be able to check anyone in if the generator doesn't kick in. Jamie recalls from his printed schedule there were a handful of people arriving today. Against better judgment he rolls out of bed and heads to the lodge to check on the generator.

As he approaches the generator, he belatedly realizes that he doesn't have any tools with him, they’re all in his office. He can't do much of anything without any tools. Well drat.

Hoping to slip in undetected he enters through the back, which is closer to his office and where the generator is located anyways. He thankfully sees that his office door is shut, with just a crack open to the front desk. If Jamie’s really quiet he should be able to grab the tools he needs and escape River's notice but suddenly—

Hhhehh’EssSTchiew Hhehh’SSGNghx-chiew

Jamie is doubled over by the harsh sneezes. He tries to stifle the second one but is mostly unsuccessful only managing to suppress the middle part of the sneeze. It makes his head pound. He feels the tickle of another sneeze building.

Hheehh…Hhheehh’HeeT—

But just as it’s about to release the feeling suddenly dissipates. He rubs frustrated at his nose. From behind him he hears an inquisitive

“Jamie?”

So much for passing by unnoticed. Well that explains the loss of the sensation of the need sneeze. Jamie’s entire body warms. River’s here. He can feel the heat radiating off his body. His skin tingles. If he lets himself look he’ll see River right by him, just like he’s supposed to be. The wave of relief that settles into him is the best thing he’s felt all week. He tries to tell himself that it doesn’t mean anything, that his body shouldn’t be reacting this way that it’ll just be worse when River inevitable turns away again. He’s not here because he wants to talk to him, he's just curious why he’s here when he probably wasn’t expecting him that’s all. But his fixation, this stupid one sided bond knows no reason. He at least resists the temptation to whip around and look at him.

“What are you doing here?” River's melodious voice asks and oh God Jamie wants to roll himself up in it. “Mel said that you were sick and had given you the rest of the day off.”

Slowly, cautiously he turns and sees River’s eyes soft with concern. It’s the first time in the past several weeks that he’s seen River look at him with something more than icy bitterness or stoic apathy.

“God Jam, you look awful.” River says taking a step forward towards Jamie. 

Jamie reactively takes a step back his entire body is already tingling he’s overwhelmed and the use of the nickname River has for him is nearly enough to send him over the edge, but he watches as River’s eyes harden again. Shit, he’s already messing up this encounter.

He rubs the back of his neck, a nervous gesture. “I – uh I well I saw the power was out and when it didn’t come back on I, I knew that would be a problem for you with check-in so near, so I came to check the back-up generator, and hopefully get the system back up online so you’re able to get people checked in properly.” He explains.

River looks surprised and his eyes soften again. “You were worried about me?” He asks a little incredulous, a little shocked, and a little tender.

“Of course I was Riv, I don’t ever want you to struggle, and if ever I can help prevent it I will.”

“Jam” River says all soft and affectionate, taking another step forward and Jamie feels the irresistible pull, the way a magnet is attracted to steel, but Jamie can’t handle this right now. If he allows River to get any closer he thinks he might break, and he can’t, he just can’t do that here.   

“So, I’m umm, just going to go do that, I’ll uhhh be back in a moment.” He quickly grabs the tools he needs and he practically falls over himself with his hasty attempt to get away. His entire body begins shuddering, unwelcome tears pool in his eyes and his throat burns from his attempt to keep them at bay.

Keep it together Jamie. He directs his focus to the generator running a few diagnostic tests. He discovers that the spark plugs need to be replaced, the ones installed have corroded and clearly aren’t able to ignite the combustion needed to power up the generator. “I know how you feel.” Jamie mumbles petting the generator soothingly and that’s just peachy isn’t it? He’s resorted to empathizing with and talking to inanimate objects.

He returns to his office to return the tools and deliver the news. As he’s replacing the tools he hears River step back into his office. “So bad news, it looks like we’re going to be out of power until the main transformer is back up and running.”

“Shit.” River states. “Things have been a bit chaotic with the storm, I haven’t even had a chance to review the arrivals list yet.”

Jamie steps towards his desk all too aware that he’s shortening the distance between himself and River. He takes a steadying breath. “Here, I have a printed copy of guests expected to arrive today.” He says pulling out a piece of paper from his conference services binder. “We can check everyone in this way and then log them in the system when the power reboots. With the both of us it should still move on pace to get everyone sorted.”

“Jam” River says gently and the tenderness in his tone has Jamie’s heart simultaneously singing and fracturing. 

River covers the distance between them until they’re standing face to face with only a few short inches between them. Jamie’s breathe catches his body buzzing and alight.  River places a palm against his forehead, assumedly to check his temperature. Jamie is helpless to stop the keening gasp that escapes him. It’s too much, all the revelations over the past weeks, all the emotions he’s been battling, everything crumbling around him, held together only by the bright and shining light that is River.

He should pull away, knowing what being close to him is going to do to River but Jamie can’t bring himself to do it, not right now, not when River is the only thing that makes him feel whole. He gives in leaning into the touch and any remaining composure is lost. Jamie cracks. With a heavy sobbing sigh he sinks to the ground leaning against his desk.

The tears unleash. He cries silently but with everything he’s got. He doesn’t fight it when River sits beside him and wraps his arms around him, even though he knows he should. It’s just, after its absence, it feels like a deep impact traveling through his whole body, taking his lungs and stomach and intestines and threading all the way through his nervous system. Seizing everything in him. Parts of him that have been asleep over the past few weeks come awake with needles and pins. It fuses Jamie’s fragmented soul. His whole body changing, renewed, with River touching him. It’s everything he’s been missing. His fingers clutch convulsively at River’s shirt. River is near him at least and he can finally breathe again. Huge ice shelves split, melt and collapse. Jamie turns helplessly towards River’s body his hands greedily grabbing for whatever part of River he can reach.

“Riv.” he whispers, a ragged plea. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know you have no reason to believe me but I can’t – I don’t – I’m not. I just, I miss you. I miss you so much. And I know I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t feel like this.”

River shifts almost like he’s about to get up. Jamie makes a wordless utterance of protest. “I’m not leaving, I’ll be right back. I’m just going to put the “will return” sign on the desk and shut the door.” River soothes. Once that’s done he sits back down taking Jamie into his arms. “It’s alright now, I got you sweetheart.” River whispers into his head. Jamie relaxes into the touch, while River tenses.

Hhh’Tsssch..Hhh’Tssch..Hhh’TssTchu…Hh’Heh’TsssTch..Hhh’SssTchu

“Bless you” Jamie whispers. “Sorry I’m probably covered in dander. I was down at the stables earlier today and didn’t change when I was done.” It’s not exactly a lie all those statements in and of themselves are true, he just knows that probably isn’t really the source of River’s sneezing. He detaches himself from River to move away but River halts his movements.

“Don’t care” He says pressing Jamie to his wiry, lithe body. It doesn’t take long for River to react to Jamie’s closeness quickly dissolving into an extended sneezing fit but Jamie gives himself this moment to cherish. River is here, he’s in his arms, and it’s everything.  

Jamie becomes only passingly aware of himself, basking in the peace and warmth that comes from being around River. He’s not sure how much later but he hears voices from outside the door. River looks at him a little regretfully.

“Sorry—I-“

“We have guests to attend to” Jamie interjects with a small smile.

River gives him a scrutinizing look “Is that really a good idea? Mel said you were very ill and I think she might have both our heads if she saw you down here.”

Jamie nods “I feel a little better now, and I want to help but I think to prevent triggering an allergy attack I should work from here. I can prepare all the check-in packets for each guests so all you have to do is pass it off when the respective guests arrive. It won’t take me long and then I can go back home.”

River looks uncertain but nods.

Within thirty minutes Jamie has diligently and carefully put together registration packets for the 6 families expected to arrive. He places them neatly separated by folder dividers next to River. “I’m all done, I hope it helps, I guess um I’m going to go now but I’m—I’ll see at home?” He asks a little tentatively but full of earnest hope.

River flashes his him his trademark smile. “Yeah, I can pick us up dinner at the cafeteria to go and we can eat in together at home if you’d like?”

River just called it home, their home! God Jamie is such a sappy sucker. He returns the smile and nods. “I’d like that very much.” As he turns to walk away, River’s soft hand wraps around his wrist and Jamie’s pulse dances, sending a luminous shiver down his spine. Jamie meets River’s green eyes.

“Thank you” River says sincerely and Jamie gets the distinct impression that he’s not just talking about the work he did to help River while the power is out.

“Of course. I’m here for you Riv, for anything.” Jamie replies.

With that he leaves, feeling lighter than he has in days though he’s not quite sure where they go from here. Even if River forgives him it doesn’t change what ripped them apart in the first place. Pursuing even just a friendship is futile since River is literally allergic to Jamie. And how would it look after all that if Jamie was still like “Great so we’ve established I’m not a homophobic dick-wad but we still shouldn’t be around each other.”  Yeah, that would look really spiffing.

***

River arrives home shortly after 5. “Hi” he says.

“Hi.” Jamie answers with a small smile.

“Here.” River says holding out the to-go box.

Jamie accepts it going to the couch opening it.

“It wasn’t on the menu but I snuck some leftover sweet potatoes to go with the steak from the kitchen. You always have that over regular potatoes when it’s available.” River narrates.

Jamie’s a little startled, he’s never told River that he prefers sweet potatoes and he feels all gushy that he made the observation without him having to say anything. “Uhhh—yeah. I—I love sweet potatoes. Thank you.”

After a few bites Jamie says “I’d like to explain where my request with Mel came from, if that’s uhh—I mean if you’d be okay with that?”

River nods. "I think it's the least I owe you." He says softly. 

“Okay ummm, well first I would remiss if I didn’t start by saying that I think you’re pretty incredible. You’re so full of life, anyone who encounters you is lucky to live in your wake even if it’s only transiently. I know am fortunate to know you. You’re fun to be around, you have an easy going friendly personality. I feel closer to you than I’ve felt to, well anyone. What you shared with me doesn’t change that or what I think about you or how comfortable I am with you. Given the choice of anyone here to live with, I would pick you every time.” He sighs running his hands through his hair. That was maybe a bit more honest than he should have been. He continues. 

“After the dog incident, I started to think that with what I do up here that I was contributing to your allergies, and the last thing I want to be is source of ailment for you. I truly thought you would benefit from not having to live with me. I was just trying to do what was best, for you.  

I probably should have talked to you first. In retrospect I went about what I did the worst way possible and I can see how my actions and the timing of them would have led you to the conclusion that you came to and I’m sorry that I didn’t think through what I was doing and how it would impact you. I’m more sorry that I made you doubt that I believed you were anything less than the captivating person you are, because you are Riv, you’re the most enchanting person I’ve had the pleasure to meet.”

River’s eyes widen in surprise, and his cheeks get a light dusting of pink, he clears his throat. “I think you’re pretty charming yourself. And uhh, to be fair I wasn’t exactly in the best form either.” His expression turning sheepish. “When Mel came to me telling me she couldn’t rearrange our living situation I was so taken aback. The request didn’t make sense and it just sounded like some made up excuse. But I jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst when the situation wasn’t clear. That was unfair and I’m sorry.”  

“I was thoughtless.” Jamie replied.

“Jam, you’re many things, thoughtless isn’t one of them. You’re the most considerate person I know. Look what you did today, you looked like death run over, you had to be feeling like absolute crap and despite that you came to make sure I was managing and you helped me. How are you feeling by the way?” River asks his gaze sweeping over Jamie. “I gotta say you look leagues better than this afternoon.”

Jamie turns crimson. “Yeah, I am—better that is.”

“It was because of me wasn’t it?” River asks bluntly.

Jamie's face gets a deeper shade of red. “I ummm, well I wouldn’t say that exactly. It was just the stress of the situation and that I had hurt you.”

“God, Jamie I’m sorry.” He says throwing himself into Jamie. Surprised at the force Jamie gives a small grunt. “I should have known you aren’t like that. I should have seen. I’m sorry I haven’t been there.”

Jamie breaths in the fresh oh so intoxicating scent coming off River and his whole body is humming in incandescent harmony. “You’re here now.” He whispers, and that's the only thing that matters.

River tenses and Jamie knows he’s preparing to sneeze.

Hh’TssTch…Hhh’Hh’Hh’TSssChu…Hhh’Tsstch…Hheh’Hhh’TsssTchu.

When River hits twenty sneezes Jamie gets up off the couch giving River some space and room to breathe.

“Bless” He says quietly after the fit dies down.

“You know, I missed that.” River remarks. “Anytime I sneezed over the past few weeks I kept expecting to hear you bless me then I would remember.” He lets the sentence die but the unspoken words hang in the air.

“I’ll make up for it.” Jamie solemnly promises. I’ll have plenty of opportunity. He thinks. 

River gives him that trademark smile. “Anyways back to the original topic before we got a little derailed and joined Ozzy Osbourne on his Crazy Train. I was dealing with some things that clouded my judgment that day. Remember how I told you that I was dealing with some logistical stuff from prior to moving up here?”  

“Yeah.”

“Well, see I was living with a former co-worker Lee. We weren’t best friends or anything but we got on, he was pretty chill and to save on rent, we moved into an apartment together. I’m not in the closet exactly, I share it with the important people in my life, my family knows. Otherwise I don't really talk about it or make it known to everyone that I meet and even less so when I’m not in a relationship.”

River paused and Jamie nodded a silent signal to keep going.

“During the time I had known Lee I didn’t have a partner so I just never mentioned my sexuality. I wasn’t trying to hide it per se, I just didn’t feel the need to make a big to do about it. Straight people don’t have to announce their heterosexuality to everyone why should I? I figured I would let it come up more organically just like it would if I was het." 

Jamie nods in understanding.

"Well that’s exactly what happened. The date I mentioned with horse carriage guy, when he dropped me back off at home that night he kissed me. Lee saw through the living room window. When I came in nothing seemed unusually, he asked me how my date went and we even talked for a bit, but then the next morning I saw him packing up. When I asked him if he was going somewhere he said yeah, I’m moving out. He proceeded to launch with some BS that it wasn't personal but that it went against his Christian beliefs to live with someone who practices and lives in sin, and he hoped that I would understand the position he was in.”

Jamie makes a disgruntled noise. “Gross.”

River half chuckles “Pretty much. And of course you know that date guy was a pretentious asshole, so I couldn’t even wind up with a romantic partner out of the deal.” He sighs dramatically. “Anyways it left me in a bit of a lurch. I couldn’t afford the rent by myself so I had to move out breaking the lease agreement. Because I was the primary on the agreement agreement I had to pay the fee for moving out early. I moved in with my sister and began looking for a job that would cover the costs of a single place but then I found an advertisement for this ranch, saw they were hiring, and well here I am.”

“That morning Lee had been messaging me asking for some things he’d left at the apartment. I had messaged him about them before I moved out and he never replied. I held onto them even just in case. But when he never replied to any of my attempts I decided to donate the remaining items to a thrift shop. I told him a week beforehand that was my intent and gave him one last attempt to get his stuff. I even offered to mail them to him. Nothing. Now suddenly he wants the stuff back and was threatening legal action. Just a messy affair. I guess I had all that at the forefront of my mind so when Mel came to me I really wasn’t in a position to consider an alternative reason.”

Jamie groans, plopping himself back down on the couch. “That makes sense. God and then I was gone until well into the evening time, giving you all that time for everything you were thinking to fester and stew. It’s a marvel you didn’t change the locks and let me back in at all.”

River chuckles. “That may have been considered.” He says with a wink. “But I decided it was better to be a little more subtle. You might want to replace your toothbrush.” He finishes with a smirk.

“What?” Jamie squawks.

River erupts with full body laughter. “Oh my gosh! Your face.” He gets out before continuing to giggle and Jamie thinks River could have used his toothbrush to clean out the toilet bowl and he wouldn’t care, he’d put up with a lot just to witness River’s laughter.

When River settles back down he says “Don’t worry your toothbrush got out unharmed.”

Jamie chuckles. “I am quite glad to hear I don’t have to retire it before its time.” He pauses then continues “Can I ask what happened with Lee?”

“I told him good luck finding a judge that would take that case seriously but said he was welcome to pursue it, that I was quite in need of a good laugh. I may have also told him that it went against my homosexual beliefs to hold onto the possessions of bigots, that it wasn’t anything personal and that I hoped he understood my position. I followed that up with the address of the thrift store I donated his stuff to and told him if he was so desperate to collect his things after ignoring my messages regarding said possessions for months he should start there.”

Jamie laughs. “Kitty’s got claws.”

River curls his fingers and makes a swiping motion saying “Rawr.”

Jamie bursts into giggles falling into River, which makes River start laughing and everything is right in Jamie’s world again, the axis tipped back centered on River, just as it should be. River's laughter dissolves - 

Hhh'TttStCh...Hhh'Hhh'TsSTchu...Hhh'TtSTch...Hhh'TSsssTchu..Hh'Hh'Heeh'TSssTch

Once River's composed Jamie blesses him then asks “Can I ask you one last question?”

“Mmm-hmmm.”

“You said you don’t like to make a big deal of your sexuality and would rather people find out about your sexuality more organically.” River nods. “So ummm, what made you tell me?”

“I told you that I’m out to all the important people in my life.” He says pointedly.

 Jamie is silent for a moment, his brows furrowing. “You mean I –Oh” Jamie says astonished, the cherry red spreading across his cheeks. Then the weight of that really hits him. “You had deemed me worthy to come out to and then everything went down like it did. God I’m such a moronic idiot.” He shakes his head ruefully. 

River takes Jamie’s hand. “It was just a big misunderstanding and mainly because I reacted out of conditioned fear.”

“I promise to be worthy of being someone you consider as an important person in your life.”

River smiles leaning into Jamie “But that’s just it Jam, you already are, you don’t have to prove it to me. You know how I know? This is just one of many reasons but let’s not let me off the hook so easily, I have been a bit of an unreasonable jerk, you didn't deserve my tirade, yet, despite my less than ideal reaction, you never once mistreated me or disrespected me. You didn’t respond to me with anything other than compassion. Hell, you’re sitting here telling me that in no uncertain terms you understand why I reacted the way I did.”

Jamie gives a casual shrug. “We live in a society that conditions minorities to believe that they won’t be accepted or even safe for being who they fundamentally are and that doesn’t come from nowhere, we have a long history of systemic social injustice and have built an infrastructure that tries to actively oppress groups of people. It’s easy to read into the actions of others when there is an epically long running list of those actions from others meaning that very thing.” Jamie states drawing on the parallels of being a wolf in general society.

“I think you’re entitled to be a little wary. Just maybe next time we encounter a conflict, we can have a calm discussion to try and avoid any future misunderstandings? I have my moments, but I really do try not to be an asshole. And bigoted, prejudiced, judgment falls under that category for me.”

River chuckles. “Yeah, for sure, I can do that.” He says pulling Jamie close, nestling his head into the crook of Jamie’s shoulder and neck releasing a gentle sigh and the familiar pleasure shimmers over Jamie’s body. It feels so good, a warm tingle running all the way down to his toes. Touch has always been intense for Jamie, but this, this is in a league of its own.  

River’s breath is hot against his neck he can feel the gentle expulsions hitting his bare skin and its sending torrents of shivers down his spine. Suddenly, he feels River’s breath changes—

Mmmmptshhh…Mmmpptsssh.

Jamie melts, wolves sometimes use sneezes to indicate that they are comfortable. River likes this, he’s comfortable against Jamie, he isn't rejecting him anymore, maybe River will even let Jamie lick his nose, maybe he will—wait, no, that isn’t right, he’s pulling back why is he pulling back, is he not comfortable anymore? 

Hiiihhh’SsssSSTch….Hhhh’TSssTchu…..Hehh’Hhh’TSSsssTch.

It takes Jamie’s brain a moment to catch up and realize exactly why River is sneezing. When he does he takes a step away from River. “Bless you.” Jamie says still a little punch drunk when River is done.

“Thanks. Sorry I sneezed on you, those kind of snuck up on me.” River says a little sheepishly.

“It’s fine.” He shrugs. “You can’t help it.” And that’s all my fault. Jamie’s brain adds.

 They stay out on the couch together until they’re both nearly falling asleep. As they make their rooms River calls out to Jamie, “By the way, it probably goes without saying, but just so we’re clear, I missed you too.”

Jamie feels himself flush before going into his room and for the first time in the past few weeks he goes to sleep readily and easily.

~TBC~

Additional A/N:

Chapter Title comes from the song "Hey, That's No Way to Say Goodbye" by Leonard Cohen

 

Edited September 20, 2023 by Not Telling
Added spacing between paragraphs/Changed chapter number, numbers got misaligned and had multiple of the same number chapter.

[Alabaster]

☠️

[solitaire-au]

😱 Aww, it was sooo nice to see them talk it out, cuddle and reunite. I’m so happy for them! 🥰 💕 

But I wonder if River or Mel is going to be suspicious of how quickly Jamie recovered from his “illness,” particularly as he’d looked especially terrible mere hours earlier.

And eventually River is going to realise his physical proximity to Jamie is what’s causing most of his sneezing fits…

[thesneezyowl]

Yesssss!!! So worth the wait! I love how they talked it out. How in the world are they going to figure out River’s allergies to Jamie? When he thought the dander was making him sneeze, River said he didn’t care. He just pulled Jamie closer. Sooooo I’m thinking he is going to handle the wolf news with the same attitude. See how I’m trying to work through all of this?! I’m obsessed!! 

[Privatedancer]

I loved this so much - I had to do the first quick read at work and after a happy hour with a  friend am in the parking lot enjoying read #2 before headed home.  I love the cuddling. I love the “I hit you sweetheart”, I really love the “maybe River will even let Jamie lick his nose.” That cracked me up.  Can’t wait until tonight to read through again and see what I missed .  Thank you!

[dwaekki]

I'm so happy these 2 are back together again, I missed the sweetness. Also when River called Jamie "sweetheart" omg that was the best part ❤️ You're so amazing at writing, you nail it every time 😊

[Not Telling]

On 8/8/2023 at 8:05 PM, solitaire-au said:

But I wonder if River or Mel is going to be suspicious of how quickly Jamie recovered from his “illness,” particularly as he’d looked especially terrible mere hours earlier.

And eventually River is going to realise his physical proximity to Jamie is what’s causing most of his sneezing fits…

Well River already kind of figured out that Jamie's illness was more or less related to their falling out, even if he doesn't understand the intricacies of what exactly was going on. As for the second comment, don't worry I have plans. hehe

@thesneezyowl Yay! Gosh, you're so sweet, you make me feel so legitimate as a writer, your obsession and involvement is the biggest compliment. Thank you! 

On 8/8/2023 at 8:17 PM, thesneezyowl said:

How in the world are they going to figure out River’s allergies to Jamie? When he thought the dander was making him sneeze, River said he didn’t care. He just pulled Jamie closer. Sooooo I’m thinking he is going to handle the wolf news with the same attitude. See how I’m trying to work through all of this?! I’m obsessed!! 

I honestly can't wait to get to the big reveal but there's plenty more that will happen between now and that point.

@Privatedancer Awww thank you for the attention and love you are giving this story. ❤️ 

On 8/8/2023 at 9:08 PM, Privatedancer said:

I really love the “maybe River will even let Jamie lick his nose.” That cracked me up.

The fact that part you made you laugh made me laugh.  haha 

@dwaekki You and me both, in both my reading and my writing I can only take so much angst. For plot purposes and driving a story it's good to have tension but for me, I can't handle it when it drags. It makes me feel sick. Gah, you're so nice, thank you for the lovely compliments . 😊🥰

 

Thank you everyone for your sweet comments! ❤️ 

Huzzah! Two chapters in one day. My attempt to make up for the previous wait. Also hopefully to sustain you, as I might not have much time for writing tomorrow and am chagrined to say I'm not sure I'll be able to post an update. 

I had a lot of fun with this chapter, the words just spilled out onto the page. Hope you all enjoy!  

________________________________________________

Chapter 7: You Don’t Have To Leave, You Could Just Stay Here With Me…We Could Find Comfort In Debauchery

Jamie struggles with striking a balance between having it seem like things are back to normal between River and him and trying to limit their time together so he isn’t succumbing to a perpetual and never ending allergic reaction.

Since they’ve made up and cold turkey avoidance is not an option, nor one Jamie really wants to contemplate, he has to devise a new plan to reduce his effect on River’s allergies. He is pretty sure the “Oh I was working at the stables today and am covered in horse dander and etc” excuse has an expiration date of continuing validity. It might stand every once and a while but probably not daily and it’ll lose all viability right after he showers and/or he hasn’t been working.  

Operation Sneeze Control is in full effect. He’s definitely sticking to the no shifting policy, that’s number 1. He’s also done some research and found a highly rated and allergist recommended specially formulated Anti-Allergen pet shampoo that purports to remove allergy causing pet dander and particles and helps control allergy related symptoms. The shampoo is reported to be needed only every thirty days but to be sure he washes with it daily and washes his hair twice daily with it. Along with that he bought a pumice stone to slough away any allergenic particles that are living and have accumulated on his skin. He’s included that now as part of his daily hygienic ritual.

Additionally, he attempts to reduce how often they touch. Little touches he allows but cuddling, hugs, and anything that would have him invading River’s space he has strictly prohibited for himself. He also tries his best to keep a respectable distance when they’re together. Both these things prove incredibly difficult, as his body’s natural inclination is to seek River’s closeness and his touch. He isn’t always successful in this regard, both on his own account but also the account of River. He can’t exactly tell River not come close to him or to hug him without explanation as to why and beyond exposing the truth Jamie doesn’t have one.

Though, with these precautions in the in the following weeks he has noticed a significant reduction in the frequency River sneezes around him as well as the severity and length of his fits. Which is both good for River’s health state and for Jamie protecting his identity as a wolf. It also means that he doesn’t feel quite as guilt ridden or as rigid about his proximity policy when he does have his slip ups and gets too close to River or River gets too close to him. 

Summer morphs into fall. There’s a crisp feeling in the air and the scent of fallen leaves permeates from the ground.  It calls to Jamie to shift. He has to stop himself on the brink of shifting several mornings, at the last minute remembering why he can’t. Instead he just goes running as a biped. Obviously, he can’t quite cover the same amount of ground but it’s still refreshing and seems to satisfy his wolf.

With the weather changing, most nights, the employees light up the central fire pit near the employee housing properties and sit around the campfire.

Tonight it’s Sarah, Jesse, Jamie and River gathered around the pit enjoying a beer and playing truth or dare. River is garrulous and cheerful and bursting with laughter and it’s hard for Jamie to ignore how much he wants River when he’s like this.

It’s moments like this that Jamie wishes their reality could be different. Despite the social injustice and discrimination he faces, he doesn’t often wish he wasn’t a wolf. Usually, he’s proud to be a wolf, his family having really instilled the idea that his differences are what makes him unique and that there is no shame in who he is, that the shame is in people thinking there is. But he’s found more than once with his predicament with River that he does wish he wasn't a wolf.

In these moments, when even his skin is pulsing with need for River, it’s harder still to remember why he shouldn’t want him.

While River’s allergic reaction to him has tempered pretty significantly he still doesn’t take liberties and tries to tell himself he can’t be too close but then River insists on plopping himself right next to him on the make-shift bench out of a tree trunk and what is he supposed to do with that other than accept that?

River picks up a card from the pile. “Truth: Who is your favorite friend?”  Without a blink he answers “That’s easy, Jamie.”

There’s a chorus of “aww” but Jamie says quietly “I don’t think the question is limited to just people here.”

River’s eyes are steady on his “I know. The answer remains the same.”

Jamie nearly chokes on the sip of beer he just took, more than a little dazed. He knows he feels that way about River but to hear River returns the sentiment turns his insides to goo and his body to Jell-O. He’s so caught up in the pleasure that gives him he hardly registers the other players in the group going until it’s his turn.

He draws a card grimacing as he reads it “Truth: What’s a secret you’ve never told someone?” Ha! No way is he going to share that. He shakes his head and takes the required gulp of beer for not answering the question.

“Ahhh Jamie you’re no fun.” River quips.

“Guess you’re just gonna have to be fun enough for the both of us.” Jamie says with a wink bumping his shoulder to River's.

River takes the next card. “Dare: Say something dirty to the person on your left.” River looks to Jamie with a hint of a smirk. “Something dirty.” He says before breaking off into hysterical giggles. Despite himself Jamie laughs too, it’s impossible not to. River’s joy is infectious but then River’s face turns serious. He cocks his head at Jamie almost like he’s asking for permission. Jamie shrugs and nods, thinking whatever River plans on saying it can’t be that bad, the whole group has to hear it. But then River leans in really close cupping his hand over Jamie’s ear. His nose brushes against the fine hairs that are there and tickles the sensitive skin, his breath sends fizzy bursts of lust coursing through Jamie's bloodstream. Then River delivers his statement and this time Jamie does choke but not even with the aid of a beverage, he chokes on his own spit causing him to cough harshly.

“Jesus River, what did you say to him?” Jesse asks.

“Unless there's a Dare card that asks what I said, that’s between me and Jamie, and we now know that Jamie is good at keeping secrets.” River says with a sly grin. “The card didn’t say I had to say it so everyone else could hear.” He finishes quickly before stifling 6 sneezes into his shirt collar. Everyone blesses him but River’s only looking at Jamie when he sniffles and replies with a soft “Thank you.”

Sarah takes the next card. “Dare: Sing the letters of the alphabet with moving your mouth. Uhhh okay so that’s a weird way to say hum the alphabet.” By the end the entire circle is humming the alphabet with her.

Jamie draws his next card. “Dare: Howl like a wolf.” Why has the universe decided it hates him? He really wants to bypass this card but he figures that would probably look even more suspect, than if he just did it, it’s a pretty tame dare all things considered. He tilts his neck back and howls. The sound echoes off the neighboring trees and Jamie has to admit it’s satisfying.

“Damn, impressive Jamie.” Sarah says. Jesse and River nod in agreement.  

His wolf preens.

As they continue to play Jamie is painfully aware that River is getting closer and closer to him. By the time it’s his turn again River is resting his head on his shoulder. He moves though when Jamie reaches for the card.

“Truth: Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10." Ugh, what kind of question is that? Jamie knows it's just a game so in this context it's fine, but in practice a question like that never ends well. It's designed to set someone up, create unnecessary conflict, or hurt someone. Jamie's never really analyzed his looks on a scale. He's fine enough looking he supposes. He's in decent shape from his exercise and he has relatively built muscles from the physicality of his job and his wolf genetics like and he doesn't have any glaringly obvious abnormalities but he also knows he isn't exceptionally physically noteworthy either. 

"Uhhh--I don’t know. I think rating people’s attractiveness in that manner is gross and douchey and should be abolished. But I guess for myself maybe like a 5?” Everyone is looking at him incredulous. “What?” Jamie asks suddenly self-conscious. “Should I say a 4?”

“Bro, like you do know how the scale works right?” Jesse says.

“Umm yes? I’m pretty average not entirely unattractive but not notably attractive either. So uhh yeah I think a 5 is fair.” Everyone is still looking at him gape mouthed. “Like I said, it’s arbitrary and stupid and demeaning. How many people who actually actively rate people per the scale aren’t absolute pricks?”

“That’s true but just for the sake of this game, you’re definitely rating yourself low Jamie.” Sarah says.  

“Oh” He says a little embarrassed.

Jesse’s barks with laughter. “No wonder he never notices the guests totally ogling him when he’s doing heavy labor.”  

Jamie blushes and in a hushed voice says “They do not.”

“They totally do.” Sarah adds. "Remember that one guest that kept talking to you last week while you were working on the trailer?" 

"Uhhh yeah, what about her?" 

"Yeah dude she was totally hitting on you." Jesse says. 

Jamie can tell his face is now scarlet. "What, no she wasn't, she was just being nice and was curious about activities she could do while she was here." 

"Pretty sure the only activity she wanted to get up to was with you in bed." Jesse snickers. 

Jamie's jaw drops, his face is burning. 

“Alright my turn!” River interjects. “Let’s move on before we give Jamie an aneurism.”

Jamie is both relieved and also a little disappointed, he’s the only one in the group that didn’t comment. He wonders where River would rate him but quickly shakes the thought away insisting he doesn’t care and he hates the scale anyway.

River reads his card. “Truth: Share your first celebrity crush. Hmmm I don’t know if he was my first, but Matt Bomer was definitely featured in a number of my adolescent fantasies.”

Jamie isn’t sure if this is the first time it’s been made known to Jesse and Sarah that River is gay but he feels a deep sense of pride and warmth that River is able to organically insert his sexuality into a conversation, just the way he knows River prefers. He subtly squeezes River’s arm hoping River understands what he’s trying to convey. The secretive smile he gives him tells him he does.

Jesse and Sarah also treat it like it’s no big deal, easily accepting it.

“Mmm yeah, he’s a hottie. Shame for us women he’s not an option.” Sarah says.

River laughs. “Come on you all have the majority share of hot celebrity actors let us have this corner market of delicious eye candy and stick to your plethora of straight men.”

Jesse chimes in. “I don’t know, if we’re going hot gay celebrities I think Matt Dallas has it going on.”

“Ohhh yeah” River enthuses. “Those eyes. He could give Ian Somerhalder a run for his money. Gotta love a man with striking blue eyes and dark hair.”

Jamie knows he has no reason to be jealous, these are celebrities’ after-all, he finds his own share of a celebrities attractive and it’s not like there is a great possibility that he would wind up with any of these people. He also doesn’t have any kind of stamp on River. He can’t help but find himself comparing himself to these actors and feels supremely inadequate, no way does he hold a candle to any of those guys. If that’s the type that River is typically attracted to he never stood a chance, even if according to everyone he's more than a 5. Not that he should be contemplating River having a crush on him anyways. But River’s next sentence has River reeling.  

“Though, I’ve always been partial to the big, brown, soulful puppy dog eyes. Like Zachary Quinto.”

Could that mean? No of course not, that’s absurd. Having one physical quality that is preferential to someone doesn’t mean they will crush on that person. There's a myriad of people that have brown eyes like River has described and he’s pretty sure that River doesn’t have a crush on every brown-eyed male that exists. Stop looking for meaning where it doesn’t exist. He chides.

They play for a couple more rounds before abandoning the game and transition to talking. Jesse and Sarah are sharing about the adventures of their last trail ride. River, shivers next to Jamie.

“Cold?” Jamie asks. River nods through another shiver. Jamie runs through his options, most of which he presumes will result in River sneezing. 1) They turn in for the night and get River out of the elements. 2) Jamie lends him his jacket for additional warmth 3) He uses his body heat to warm River. His wolf nature makes him run hotter and better able to regulate himself in cold weather.  

While he hasn’t shifted in over 3 months now and all his other precautions do seem to have helped in the general day to day, being pressed up right up against Jamie’s body and skin will still make River sneezy. No number of precautions are going to change the fact that he is a wolf and Rivers nose intuitively knows that.  

So options 2 & 3 are likely to trigger an allergic sneezing fit. Right now the question is which was the lesser of two evils, being cold or falling prey to what was sure to be multiple exhausting sneezing fits. Jamie really wasn’t sure which was worse, neither was ideal. It was like asking someone if they’d rather be cut by a knife or a razor. Sure you control the weapon, but the end result is still the same, and ultimately an unfavorable one.  

When River’s allergies really struck they were relentless, but being cold was its own kind of misery. Jamie was at a loss. He felt River shiver next to him again and noticed his lips were quivering. Everything in him was telling him to attend to River but he didn’t want to make that decision for him. Then it occurs to him that maybe he doesn’t have to.  

“Do you want to go in?” Jamie asks.

River shakes his head. “Having fun, this is nice.”

“Okay.” Jamie pauses then continues. “I think I can help get you warm but umm it might, well it’ll probably trigger an allergy fit. I haven’t washed the jacket I’ve been wearing all week and it’s seen multiple days at the stable.” He hasn’t had to use that excuse in a while so he figures it’s okay to pull it out now. He also reasons, not for the first time, that it isn’t necessarily a lie “So Truth: Would you rather be warm but have your allergies triggered or cold but probably mostly sneeze free.”

“I’d cuddle with a dog right now if it meant being warm.”  

Jamie can’t stop the short burst of laughter that escapes him. Oh, if only River knew. “Okay” Jamie says shrugging off his jacket and covering it over River like a blanket then he moves so he’s straddling the tree trunk they’re sitting on and pulls River against him wrapping his arms around his core.

River relaxes into it instantly going boneless and curling into Jamie nestling his head at the junction between Jamie’s chest and neck. It feels so good to have River against him and it’s everything Jamie’s been dreaming about he has to grit his to teeth to remember that this can’t be a common occurrence. He prevents himself from leaning in and kissing the top of his head the way he desperately wants to.

“Better?” he asks in a low voice after a moment.

River nods pressing into Jamie even more with a contended sigh. “You’re so warm.” He comments and River is so close, and his scent is surrounding Jamie it’s stronger than the smoke from the fire or anything else, and Jamie is full of yearning, he wants this, he wants this forever.

The world fades, sharpening solely around River a sort of mental bokeh effect. Jamie feels River’s body tense in preparation for a sneeze, he’s expecting that. He doesn’t expect him to muffle it against him. Mmmpptsssch….Mmmmppptshh.

The warm, slightly moist expulsions against his chest, along with the way it drives River into him is amplifying his biological drive to protect and care, even though paradoxically he’s the cause for it.

He tries not to be bothered by that right now, River all but said he didn’t care if he had an allergic reaction in this moment, so he’s going to give himself this.

Just this once he allows himself to card his fingers through River’s buoyant and enticing curls. His hair is so silky soft, it’s better than velvet and cashmere and marshmallows and down and everything pleasant to touch. When the fit finishes River sniffles tilting his head back, blinking up at Jamie. “Sorry.” He says.

Jamie shrugs “Doesn’t bother me. We did decide this was the trade-off for getting you warm, at least you should be comfortable while you’re having an allergy attack.” River gives a pleased smile nestling himself further into Jamie and Jamie squeezes him tight in response.

He glances away and observes both Jesse and Sarah both giving him considering looks, ones he’ll probably have to answer for next time he’s at the stables, but right now he ignores it.

The night begins to wind down. Sarah and Jesse have to be up at 4 for an all-day trail ride and leave within the next thirty minutes. River is still tucked into Jamie. Jamie has every intention of putting out the fire and head back to their own cabin but River leans heavy against Jamie. “Not ready yet. Stay out with here with me?” He asks.

He shouldn’t, they shouldn’t. River has already had multiple sneezing fits and Jamie suspects it’s only bound to get worse the longer he remains so closely exposed to Jamie, but River’s looking at him so earnestly and he doesn’t want to deny him anything.

“Sure.” He replies and if that’s all it takes to see River’s dimpling, eye crinkling smile he’ll say yes to whatever he wants.

 The silence is broken by River sneezing.

Hhh’TTttSsssCh….Hhh’Ssstch...Hheh’Heh’SssSTchu...Hhheh’SssTch…’SsSstchuu….Hhhh’TSsssStChu…Hhhiih’SssSSSTchuuu.

It has to be close to be close to fifty sneezes before he stops.

“Bless you Rivy.”

River’s cheeks flush a sweet pink “Thanks, sorry. I’ve been feeling that build for a while. I didn’t want to sneeze like that in front of Sarah and Jesse.”

Jamie has always found it rather endearing that for all of River’s unabashed openness and seeming assurance with who he is and comfortability with other people, he gets self-conscious and shy about his sneezing fits. He supposes it’s a byproduct of the bullying he endured when he was younger as a direct result of his allergies.

It also fills Jamie with a pleased warmth that he’s the only one that River’s self-consciousness diminishes with and he lets himself sneeze freely around him. It’s perhaps inconsequential and probably nothing noteworthy, but to Jamie he equates it to River feeling truly safe and comfortable in his presence, so much so that it removes even long standing hang-ups, and for Jamie that means everything. He only ever wants River to feel safe with him. He only ever wants to be a comfort for him. He also fervently hopes to mean something special to River and he considers this a good indicator that perhaps he is. His thoughts are interrupted as River begins another round of sneezing.

“Umm, maybe we should head in?” Jamie says when he’s finished hating himself for having to make the recommendation but also not wanting to continue to trigger River.

“Nay, it’s fine now that it’s just you. I mean, unless umm I’m bothering you and you’d rather go in? I think I have a few of where those last sneezes came from.” River says a little tentatively.

“You’re not bothering me at all. I just want you to be comfortable.”

River chuckles while nestling closer to Jamie. “Believe me Jamie, I’m more than comfortable.” Jamie wants to read into that but he can’t allow it, he already reads too much into River’s actions taking them to mean something they probably don’t. They’re close friends, maybe even something akin to brothers (at least for River’s part) that’s it.

River shifts against him his body tensing against him and Jamie knows what’s coming.  

Hh’TSsSsstch…Hhh’SsSSstChu…Hh’SssssTch…TSsSSSch..Ssstch..Hhh’SSStchuuu…HhH’SsSSSTchu. 

“Bless you.”

“Thank you.”  

They’re sitting in a comfortable silence when River says “I can’t believe you think you’re a 5."

Jamie blushes. “I mean I’ve seen how the people who qualify for the upper end of the scale look, people like Matt Bomer. I’m nowhere near that.

River tilts his head so he’s making eye contact with Jamie. “Nobody looks like celebrities, not even celebrities look like celebrities without a whole team of make-up artists and the best of the best making them look exceptional for the camera. What you have is real Jam, and take it from the resident gay, you’re a perfect 10.”

Jamie thinks that River is exaggerating for the sake humor and is about to make some joke about River needed his eyes examined but it dies in his throat when he sees the way River’s looking at him, Jamie doesn’t quite know what to make of it but it’s like he’s trying to communicate something unsaid, something meaningful and it’s making his mind go all fuzzy and his mouth dry with cotton balls. Jamie drags a tongue over his lips and River’s eyes track the motion his pupils dilating, his eyelids go heavy, and his scent goes hot, the slightly spicy notes of the cedarwood sharpening, the eucalyptus camphor turning a little mossy. 

Oh God! This is—the signs are pointing to River being aroused, but that can’t—this was just a one-sided attraction. Ever since River came out to Jamie Jamie’s been paying careful attention to the way River has interacted with him and he hasn’t seen anything that would lead him to believe that River saw him as anything more than just a friend.

But right now, River’s leaning in towards him and Jamie can’t react he can’t move, he can barely breath. There’s electricity surging between them, their body’s live wires, so powerful that the tips of Jamie’s fingers are tingling and the fine hairs on his arm are raised. He’s going to feel the pink wetness of River’s mouth, he’s going to be able to taste, and touch and—

River wrenches himself away.   

Hhhh’TsSSSTch…Hhh’SSSTch…Hhheh’SsssSSTchu…Hhh’TSsssTch.

And just like that, like a gust of cold air the charge is gone, so quickly that Jamie is sure he had to have imagined it.

“Bless.” He says in a muted tone.

“Thank you.”

River makes no move to kiss him again. So that’s settled, Jamie’s mind and his fixation with River is having him seeing things and imagining things that aren’t there.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go in, where you’ll be warm and probably not having sneezing attack every few minutes?”

River nods. “I’m sure.” And Jamie really wasn’t going to invest too much energy in dissuading River, not when it's what he so desperately wants too.

“Okay” Jamie whispers and pulls River closer.

They stay out under the stars for another hour letting the fire burn out in front of them before leaving and Jamie revels in this closeness he has to River knowing it’s something he can’t have forever. 

As they walk back into the cabin River turns to him to say goodnight it almost feels like goodbye, because in the morning this bubble they’ve created for themselves, will pop and Jamie will have to go back to keeping a moderated distance from River.  

He doesn’t want it to be good night, he doesn’t want this to end, he wants to savor this moment a little longer. He wants to follow River into his room, and lay him out on his sheets and—no. He can’t go there.

He realizes that that River is waiting for him to respond, his eyes when Jamie meets them are open and inquisitive like he’s waiting for Jamie to tell him what to do, to give him permission. He lets himself momentarily imagine what could happen if instead of saying goodnight he invites River into his room to sleep with him. It’s a content and blissful thought but that’s all that it can be.

Jamie clears his throat. “Uhh—yeah. Good night.” He turns and enters his own room that feels cold and lonely and he tries not to think about how River felt next to him all night and how much he longs to have that every night. How he yearns to be that close to River without restraint, without having to dull out the proximity in small doses. What he could do if he could just give in to the burning desire to be as close to River as possible at all times.

~TBC~

Additional A/N: 

Chapter title comes from the song "Party Police" by Alvvays

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by Not Telling
Reformatting, changed chapter number, numbers got misaligned. (Had multiple chapters with the same number.)

[sprinkles287]

Omg. Pls tell me River isn’t actually allergic to Jamie but has that honeymoon rhinitis thing!

[solitaire-au]

4 hours ago, sprinkles287 said:

Omg. Pls tell me River isn’t actually allergic to Jamie but has that honeymoon rhinitis thing!

Wow. I hadn’t even thought of that!

But if that was the case, why would River’s allergic reactions be decreasing after Jamie starts religiously washing his hair and sloughing off excess skin? And when he was almost completely avoiding River when they weren’t speaking, the number of allergic reactions he had went right down. Plus River is definitely allergic to dogs and wolves are very closely related.

I’m hoping that River will resort to desensitisation injections or Botox/Haytox to reduce his reactions to a manageable level. (Research shows that using Botox in a special nasal spray can actually prevent allergic reactions from taking place in the nasal membranes for a number of months; it doesn’t prevent them occurring in other parts of the body, like the eyes, though.)

[dwaekki]

Aww! I'm living for the cuddling 🥹 River's right about Jamie being a 10 too, I mean how could he not be with his incredible personality and thoughtfulness (let alone the image of him I have in my head hahaha). As always this chapter was amazing to read, the combination of soft characters and sneezing is always just perfect ❤️ I just hope Jamie can sort out his allergens soon! Looking forward to more, please never stop writing 🥲

[Lily]

hey ! loving the soundtracks according to your story, especially Leonard Cohen, I love him so much I think I actually learn some of my english from him, his music always soothes my soul and make me feel like I'm into a movie 💜
I have to say I was expecting more sneezes from Jamie but the reconciliation scene was so terribly cute I melt, and I did love the campfire scene because well ;

1) it's so damn cute
2) the truth or dare game : you can say what you want on it, it's such a great tool to use in a story to make the characters confessing/doing stuff they wouldn't do if it was not the game, or even the refuse to do it says a lot on them
3) Jamie who rates himself too low ? I want to hug him but I let Riv take care of this
4) while I do love the duo "alone time" I think that the Sarah and Jessie's presences is adding to the tension and the narrative and I love that

they're really cute and good for each other, and the sneezy talking made me giggled 🤭

thank you so much for this ❤️

[Alabaster]

UGH river only caring about Jamie’s blessings kills me ☺️

 

and Jamie— consider river may not care AT ALL about sneezing if he’s with you 😅

[thesneezyowl]

Happy dance!!!! Jamie wants to protect River from allergy attacks, but River doesn’t care! I’m soooo curious about how he’s going to respond when he learns that Jamie is a 🐺!!! You filled my heart cup with 2 chapters in one day!!!

[Privatedancer]

On 8/8/2023 at 11:11 PM, Not Telling said:

Oh this is so good. I am dying to know how they will get together:)

[HPG]

It's so good! At this point I'd read it even without the sneezing (but it's a welcome addition)

[Not Telling]

@sprinkles287 Definitely an interesting notion. We shall have to see.

@solitaire-au I always appreciate your analysis and careful attention to detail. 

@Alabaster 100% to everything you said. 

@dwaekki Right? Jamie is the entire package. Thank you for your kind words, they fill me with encouragement, which I desperately needed while writing this next chapter. Definitely had an artists breakdown moment replete with imposter syndrome that at it's simplest went something like this "DESTROY IT ALL! IT ALL NEEDS TO BURN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING POSTING THIS GARBAGE! THIS HORRIBLE AND YOU SHOULD QUIT NOW! YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS EVEN PRETENDING TO BE A WRITER! But you foolishly committed yourself to finishing by publishing, you're in this cesspool now *insert expletive of your choosing*" Things got dark. haha. 

@Lily Yay! Thank you for indulging my music affinity and listening to the story soundtrack. Leonard Cohen was a true poet. His way with words was masterful. I'm sorry there wasn't more sneezing from Jamie for you.  I'm trying to think of how I can reasonably include more for you. The campfire chapter is one of my favorites thus far. As trite as Truth or Dare tropes can be, it really can drive a story or create tension.

@thesneezyowl That is the ultimate question isn't it? I thought I knew exactly how I wanted it to go, I'm still attached to the original idea, but I've been playing through different scenarios in my head I guess we'll see where the writing takes me and if it still feels right when it happens. I should never as a writer make the mistake of thinking I am in control. haha

@Privatedancer 😁😬

@HPG Awww that is the sweetest compliment, thank you!! 

 

Hello, hello! Sorry to have kept you all waiting things went a bit awry for me the remainder of the week additionally this chapter fought me tooth and nail, it just wasn't coming together as nicely as I wanted it to. I think in part I was putting too much pressure on myself and needed to take some time to really shape this chapter in a way that made sense with the ultimate plans I have as well as that continued to be plausible. I've read it through a million times it seems and I'm sure if I read through it again I will find something unsatisfactory but I'll just have to live it so I can move on haha. Hope you all enjoy. 

_________________________________________________

Chapter 8: We’ve Been Pretending That We’re Only Friends

In November they hire a trail groomer and manager for the Nordic center, who also works part time at the stables, Scott. Jamie instantly doesn’t like him. He smells like pepper, leather, sickly sweet patchouli and douche. Everything about him seems fake. He’s a total charmer, seemingly charismatic, classically handsome, but something about him has Jamie all rankled. The last time he felt that way was when he met the CEO of his last company, so he’s learned to trust his instincts, they're usually revealed to be accurate. 

The thing is though, that Scott hasn’t done anything to warrant his distaste. By all appearances he’s an okay enough guy, even River likes him, which is evident by how he’s laughing at something Scott just said and Scott has no right to touch River like that, or look at him with that gleam in his eye. He needs to teach him a real lesson in staying away from Jamie’s people.  

“Whoa dude, I mean I know you and River have whatever you have going on but maybe you want to take a step back?” Jamie hears Jesse say and Jamie doesn’t know, he wasn’t—oh, he was growling he realizes. He can still feel the rumble of it deep in his belly and the vibration in his throat.  

Shame slices through him. River isn’t his, of course he has a right to be friendly with other people that aren’t Jamie. Even if he was his, River would still have that right. He’s his own person. It hasn’t been an issue before, he doesn’t feel this way when River is chatting with Jesse or Sarah. He can’t explain why with Scott it bothers him so. He just can’t shake that something about him sets him on edge.

“Sorry.” Jamie hastily mumbles.

Jesse eyes him. "So, what exactly is going on between you and River?”

Jamie expected this at some point but he's still no more prepared to have this discussion.“Th-There’s nothing going on between us, we’re just friends.”

“So you going all Grrr is-" 

“Oh that, no I ummm— I think something I ate disagreed with me. I’m just going to go home.”  He makes quick strides to get away still feeling humiliated over his actions, and that someone else witnessed them.

“You know, it if makes a difference, I think he’s interested.”

Jamie turns back.

“In you I mean.”

“He’s not—I mean I don’t—“

“Hey, I’m not asking you to reveal anything here. I’m just telling you as an outsider what I see in case you know, that meant anything to you.”

“Right.” Jamie says cautiously but his curiosity is piqued.

“Look I get that you don’t see it, Mr. I’m no more than your average 5, but River, he’s different around you. We can all see it, the only one who doesn’t is you.”

Jamie had thought, especially from the night of truth or dare, that possibly there was something brewing between both of them and that the undeniable attraction wasn’t one-sided, but nothing had happened since that supported that suspicion and so he had to believe that he had just been projecting. River sees him as a friend, a very dear friend maybe, he trusts Jamie implicitly, but that’s the extent of it.

“We live together, we’re close, we’re important to each other, but that’s all it is.”

“You really can’t believe that can you?” Jesse asks.

Jamie shrugs “What else should I believe?”

“Have you never noticed that you’re the only one he openly and frequently touches or that given the choice he chooses to be by you more than anyone else? Or how about this special look that he reserves just for you.”

Well that didn’t actually inspire too much confidence, friends could touch it other without it meaning anything more, and there were levels of friendship and comfortability and all kinds of dynamics at play that might mean you touched one friend more than others, again that didn’t mean that there was something more than what was labelled on the tin. As for how River looked at him well he was dubious that the way he looked at Jamie was different than anyone else and even if it was, that didn’t automatically equate to the fact that River harbored feelings that were more than platonic for him but he was intrigued by Jesse’s perspective.

“And how he looks at me, is different than how he’s looking at Scott right now?” Jamie can’t keep himself from asking, or the fire in his voice when he says Scott’s name.

Jesse snorts. “Jamie, you’re seriously hopeless if you think that interaction is in any way similar to how River treats you.”

Jamie side eyes Scott and River. He doesn’t know, he doesn’t see anything in his body language that looks different from when they’re interacting.

“Let me put it to you this way, River’s got heart eyes for days when it comes to you. He takes one look at you and basically turns into an emoji. He looks at you like you’re an honest to God 10. He’s being engaging and enthusiastic with Scott, because that’s just who he is, he’s an expressive energetic guy but I promise you how he’s looking at Scott, how he looks at anyone, is very different than how he looks at you.”

And that’s well that’s huh-River did say that Jamie was a 10, though there’s still a part of him that believes it hyperbole for the sake of making Jamie see his value not that he actually is a legitimate 10.

As if to punctuate Jesse's statement from across the room, almost as if he knows they’re talking about him, River turns and meets Jamie’s eyes, as soon as he sees him his whole face lights up, he gives him a radiant beaming smile, the kind that sends bursts of warmth all through Jamie.

“My point.” Jesse says patting his shoulder.

“I ummm, I never noticed” Jamie says noncommittally attempting to keep any emotion out of his voice "That umm—I mean that's typical?" 

Jesse chuckles "River has looked at you that way from the day I first saw both of you together." 

Jamie is stunned, unsure how he missed something so monumentally important. "Oh." He says feeling a little dense.

“Yeah dude, I think he’s like waiting for you, so if you wanted, you could probably make a move.”

A few months ago Jamie would have been elated by this observation from Jesse, and a few months ago he probably would have made a move but that was before he discovered that River is allergic to him. That was before Jamie had to start taking precautions around River. That was before he started seeing how his being wolf was dangerous for River. Now, it doesn’t matter if Jamie wants to or not. Though, if other people seem to think River treats him differently, like he means something more to River, it’s certainly worth thinking about and he does exclusively that night when he’s trying to sleep.

***

After a few weeks Scott starts to reveal his true colors, confirming that once again Jamie's gut instinct was correct. The first incident happens over dinner.

River and Jamie are sitting together in the cafeteria when Scott decides to join them. Scott dominates most of the conversation, the guy sure does like to talk about himself. Jamie just sits silently listening.

Throughout the course of dinner Jamie notices River leaning closer and closer to him but it’s not really that he’s leaning towards Jamie it’s more like he’s leaning away from Scott. Then he realizes that Scott must have come directly from the stables he smells like and is covered in horse and River’s trying to put as much distance between them as possible. Though if he gets too much closer to Jamie, it's likely not going to help matters. 

Jamie appraises River. He looks like he’s really struggling not to sneeze. He keeps pinching his nose and taking tiny gulps of air before holding his breath but then Scott leans over River to grab the salt shaker and it’s too much.

Hhh’KtSch..Hh’TXt…NGktX…SssTXch.  

He pulls his shirt collar up over his face to sneeze into. He continues to stifle though it looks like it’s costing him a good deal of effort. Jamie knows he’d probably feel better if he was able to let them out. It’s certainly not the longest fit that Jamie has witnessed from River but it is prolonged.

"Bless you." Jamie says softly placing his hand under the table squeezing his thigh in a commiserating gesture, knowing how ill at ease River’s public sneezing fits make him.

River smiles sweetly at him, like he knows what Jamie is trying to wordlessly communicate but he's immediately pitched forward with another set of harsh rapidly stifled sneezes. 

Hhh’KtSch..NGktH…Hh'STXch

“You sure sneeze a lot don’t you?” Scott remarks. 

River blushes. “Yeah, sorry I—“ but before he can continue he’s thrown into another fit. Hhh’Txxtch…..HngkTX…XXttch…Hh’Txxtch. His nose is on a full on revenge tour performing encore after encore. When River pulls head out from under his collar his face is beet red.

“What is making you sneeze so much anyways?”

Speaking as someone who had an over-reactive blushing syndrome, Jamie didn’t know it was possible for someone to turn any redder than River already was but somehow he achieves it and Jamie can tell he wants to be talking about anything but this and it makes Jamie want to shield him in anyway possible from this conversation, from Scott, from more sneezing. 

“I umm—I’m allergic to horses.” He mumbles. "I'm reacting to your clothes."

“No shit, really? And you’re really that sensitive? So if I gave you my jacket….?” He asks thrusting his trail ride jacket directly into River’s face.

River is so taken aback that he gasps, inadvertently inhaling all the allergens that are stuck to Scott’s jacket. His nose, already irritated is not going to take kindly to that invasion.

Jamie takes action as fast as he can, quickly throwing it back at Scott, but he knows the damage has been done, if the desperately sneezy expression plastered to River's face is anything to go by. He levels Scott with a fierce and penetrating glare.

“What the hell is wrong with you!?” He says his voice low and grumbly, the wolf begging to growl. “You can't—you can't do that to people. Making someone sneeze for your own amusement is not okay." Jamie is incensed, half unbelieving that he actually just witnessed what happened. 

“Oh come on, it’s not harmful and I thought it would be funny.”

“Well don’t try to start a career as a comedian.” Jamie hisses. “There is a huge difference between humor and cruelty.”

“Cruel? Pfft. It's hardly cruel to see someone sneeze a few times. You’re over-reacting, River is fine, right Rio?” Scott turns to him slapping him on his back.

River is too pre-occupied with keeping the building and impending sneezes at bay. He presently has his eyes squeezed shut and is pinching his nose. His lips are pressed together but they almost immediately part. His entire body is stiff poised for the imminent— 

Ht’XXxTch...Hh’Xgtk…Hh'Kscht...XxTch..Hh’nGht.

Each release makes him flinch with a shudder of his shoulders and a bob of his head. "I sss—ssorry" he tries to get out to no avail, rendered speechless by the barrage of sneezes continuing to make their way out of his body. Abruptly he stands jostling the table tipping Jamie’s water glass and sending it tumbling to the floor water spilling all down his shirt. River’s eyes widen in horror he sends Jamie a silent apology before bolting out of the cafeteria.

Scott is snickering uncontrollably now. Jamie shoots him a final glare, wanting to give him more than his piece of mind but desiring to be with River more. He takes his and River’s abandoned stuff, dropping them off in a dish tray and leaves, heading for the cabin.

Jamie finds River curled up on the couch his face in a pillow when he gets home. He's still sneezing though it sounds like the fit is tapering off. 

“Rivy?” he asks quietly when it stops. 

River lifts his head up to look at Jamie. His cheeks are red and splotchy and his eyelids look a little droopy. 

"Did you take any medication?" He asks gently. 

River looks a little ashamed. "No I-" 

Jamie halts the explanation. "I got it Rivy." He deposits his items of the coffee table before leaving the room returning with both some OTC medications and his prescription antihistamine and a glass of water. "Here, I wasn't sure which would be better."

River smiles gratefully taking a couple pills. “I’m sorry I ruined dinner and that I spilled your water.” He whispers.

And consequences be damned, River needs to be comforted. Jamie sits pulling River into a soft embrace. River grimaces. “Wet.” He says touching the damp blob on Jamie's shirt from the water spill. 

“Oh right, sorry” Jamie replies pulling his shirt off over his head and then leaning River against his bare skin. And holy shit, it feels divine, his skin raises with pleasure goosebumps. Can he invent a reason to always snuggle with River without a shirt?  Okay, he needs to stop or he's legitimately going to start drooling.  

River sighs melting into Jamie.  

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Jamie says “The only person that ruined dinner was Scott. I can’t believe he did that, is this, is that what it was like when you were younger?”

“Worse” River admits and Jamie’s heart clenches. How people can be so insensitive and cruel will always be beyond him. River’s body tightens and he quickly turns out of Jamie’s embrace.

Hhh’TSsSsTch..SsSsTchu..Hhh’SSsstchu..Hhheh’hhh’Hhh’SssChu.

“Sorry.” River says after another 10 sneezes. “

Jamie looks River in the eye carefully sweeping the strands of hair that have flopped into River’s eyes to the side. “It’s fine, Riv, really, you know you don't need to apologize to me for sneezing.”

“Thank you.” River whispers curling back into Jamie, his fingers tracing over his pectoral muscles.  

Jamie emits an embarrassing squeak in his attempt to stop the moan in his throat.

River tilts his head to look at him confusion written all over his face.

“I—uhh just remembered—” Jamie explains, reaching towards the coffee table where he had abandoned a small Styrofoam container from the mess hall. River takes it opening it to see a big slice of cheesecake drizzled in strawberry sauce. “I know it’s your favorite. Figured you’d never forgive yourself if you missed out.” He smirks.

River chuckles but then says all soft “This is why you’re my favorite person Jam.” He takes a large bite into the delectable dessert, and all Jamie can think about is how he wants River’s mouth around him, on him like that and before his brain can catch up with his body he reaches out to swipe a graham cracker crumb from the corner of his mouth.

River’s tongue darts out and swipes along his lower lip the tip lightly brushing against Jamie’s finger. Oh! My! God! Jamie is going to die right there. He can only imagine what that tongue would feel like entwined with his. His self-restraint is dwindled so thin, that he knows if he meets River’s eyes right now he will probably find out. He reluctantly pulls his hand away and leans back into the couch cushion trying to put what little distance he can between him and River but when River is finished with the cheesecake he nudges Jamie's legs apart and settles between them, lying on his side, his head resting on Jamie's torso.

Jamie looks at River all cozy against him and he wonders how he would react if he whispered into his ear, tilted his head up, cradled his face, kissed him and carried him to his bed. He knows he can’t, but he is also sure he is well on his way to cracking. His dreams that night reveal to him just how close he is to that reality.

***

The next incident with Scott occurs a few days later. 

Jamie’s in his office updating his schedule planning when he hears Scott come through the back door sauntering up to the desk. Jamie remains ostensibly focused on his work, but subtly watches the interaction, after the display the other night he doesn’t want Scott anywhere near River.

“Hey, Rio! Just the man I want to see.”

“Hey, Scott what’s up?” River says politely though his tone is void of its usual good humor and kind enthusiasm.

“Have a trail ride scheduled at 3. I think one of the guests on the ride is expected to arrive today, just wanted to see if they’ve checked in yet.”

“We’ve only had one family check-in so far.” River responds. “What’s the name?”

Scott says and Jamie feels the familiar grumble building in his throat as he watches how Scott crowds into River’s space, he really doesn’t like that.

River leans his face away, likely so he isn’t breathing in all the horse remnants Scott has covering his clothes but doesn’t say anything Jamie presumes it's not to draw attention to it and give Scott any other ideas. “Well the name doesn’t match the name of the family that checked in but let me confirm on the reservation site if they have a trail ride booked today.”

“You’re the man, thanks bro. I just hope he isn’t a wolf like the dude on my snow mobile tour this morning.”

And now Jamie is definitely invested in this conversation.

River seems a little surprised by the abrupt shift towards a politically sensitive topic. He eyes Scott critically and Jamie can tell his selecting his response carefully. “Umm—did they tell you that?”

“Of course not, but you can just tell you know, it was in the way he carried himself and spoke.” Jamie rolls his eyes, unless you were another wolf you couldn’t differentiate a wolf from a human. Of course Scott would be so ignorant. It was best to ignore people like him but Jamie found he was curious to River’s response.

“I’m not sure that’s how it works, I don’t think you can identify a wolf based on anything physical.”

“Yeah, well I’m telling you this guy was, I could just feel it. He had these hungry, soulless eyes you know?”

River shuffles his feet a seemingly agitated gesture. “I think it’s harmful and biased to self-identify wolves based on how they look and act. There are probably plenty of wolves among us and unless they tell us or we explicitly see them shift in front of us we wouldn’t know.”

While Jamie knew that River wouldn’t be a lycaphobe hearing him defend against the asinine prejudices people have against wolves makes him feel of mixture of proud and endeared.

“Whatever dude. The point is the ranch should have like stop-gates to prevent those lycan-dope moon howling monsters from staying at the ranch or at least a way that they are required to identify themselves.”

River’s jaw sets in a firm line. “And if they don’t we’ll just assume that any oddity about someone equates to them being a wolf, and then what, burn them at the stake like the Salem witch trials?” He snaps.

“I mean at the very least we should be kicking them out.”

When River responds he’s clearly irritated. “Wolves have as much right to exist as anyone else and they deserve the same opportunities and rights and experiences as everyone else if they desire them. I’m proud that I work for a ranch that doesn’t discriminate and don’t uphold bigoted archaic viewpoints and that everyone is welcome here. That’s how it should be everywhere.”

You tell him. Jamie thinks.

“And so what if this guest is a wolf? I'm sure he means no harm. I mean did he do anything to you?" 

“Well, no, but there were other people on the tour of course he’s not going to pull anything then, but later when I’m alone.”

“I think that’s an antiquated and false view. I’m pretty sure most wolves just want to be left alone and live in peace. Their MO isn’t to go around attacking humans. This isn’t a Hollywood movie.”

“You’re being dumb River, there have been reports. Werewolves kill humans all the time and I can’t believe you would willingly be okay with checking one in to our property.”

River’s scent spikes, while his tone when he responds isn't raised its firm & curt. “Well I suppose to ill-informed prejudicial fucks I would seem stupid but I’ll take that over some ignorant bigot lacking in compassion who buys into fake news propagated by organizations and individuals that actively oppose basic human rights." 

Jamie quite enjoys a feisty River, and for more than just seeing him school Scott, though that is rather splendid.

"I wouldn’t believe everything in the news reports. I wouldn’t even believe half the reports that link an attack on a human to a wolf. In a lot of those events due process isn’t followed and bias is pervasive. It’s easy to villainize wolves to shirk responsibility from the idea that humans can do something so awful to each other and that we have to as an entire society change and take action to prevent it. It’s easier to blame something we can’t control or that’s external to us because then we don’t have to change and we can maintain the status quo where we’re comfortable. If a wolf is ever a real perpetrator of those attacks, it’s not because he’s a wolf, it’s because he’s not a good person, it’s an important distinction. And I guarantee you 20, 30, 40 years from now in 9 out 10 of those cases, when someone decides to investigate all these supposed wolf attacks honestly it will be uncovered that the real perpetrator wasn’t a wolf at all.” Jamie wants to clap over that epic rant.

Scott scoffs. “So you’re—“

River interjects looking more and more like he's going to sneeze. Jamie doesn’t think it’s obvious, probably to anyone else nothing would appear out of the ordinary but Jamie has everything about River memorized. While River's sneezes once they hit are desperately rapid there are usually little signs before the actual fit and the unfocused look in his eye and the subtle twitch of his nose indicates that Scott’s presence is affecting his sinuses and that he is probably only mere minutes away from sneezing.

“Look Scott, if you’d like to continue with a review on how you think the ranch should operate and who should be allowed to stay I’m happy to call Mel in so you can discuss with her, otherwise if there’s nothing else that you need from me, I don’t have time for bigoted prattle, capishe?” 

Jamie disguises his puff of laughter with a cough. 

Scott looks like he might have more to say but begrudgingly leaves with a loud pronouncement of "I have to get back to the stables anyways." 

A moment later River is walking into Jamie’s office. “I assume you heard that?” He asks. Jamie nods in affirmation.

River looks like he’s about to deliver another rant, when his nose catches up to him first.

Hhh’TtSsTch…Hhh’Hhh’TsssTchu…Hhh’TttSsTCh…Hhh’SssTchu…Hhh’SssTchu.

Before Jamie even has a chance to bless him River continues “Can you believe him!? It’s people like him that make social justice progress so slow. I just—“ he huffs. “It shouldn’t come as a surprise anymore but I’m always shocked that people like him, with his mentality still exist and are still loud enough to oppress others. It just fills me with such rage.”

Jamie chuckles. There’s something about seeing River all impassioned that his libido responds to. Down Boy. Jamie thinks. “When appropriately harnessed anger can be the biggest driver for social change. Sometimes it takes mass cultivation of anger and dissatisfaction and frustration for what others’ have experienced to encourage meaningful action.” He pauses as River starts sneezing again.

Hhh’TtSsTch…Heh’Hhh’Hhh’TsssTchu…Hh’SssTch…Hhh’SssCh…Hhh’hheh’Hhh’’SssTchu

“Bless you.”

“Ugh, thanks. Damn Scott and his zero concept of personal space. Continue.”

"Do you need to leave? I'm happy to cover the desk." Jamie asks concerned. 

"Oh no, I don't think it will be that bad." River says "I'm fine. Thank you though. Please continue."

“Oh yeah umm I was going to say that on an individual basis it can be really difficult to deal with people like Scott. For what it’s worth I thought you managed that interaction expertly.”

“Yeah? That’s good for a moment I thought I was going to lose it.”

Jamie laughs. “You had everything in hand and it was rather enjoyable to watch the show, you’re cute when you get all riled up.” Oh blast, as true as it was Jamie hadn’t meant to say that last part, at least out loud. Really Jamie?! Filters. Filters are a good thing.

“You think?” River asks with an impish grin that tells Jamie he should be wary. Then River comes up behind him leaning in close over his shoulder, Jamie can feel the stray curls on River’s head touching the side of his face. Jamie’s head swims with the fog of need and he stops breathing. They shouldn’t be doing this but oh he wants to see what River does next.  

River slides his hand down his shoulder, his arm, and then rests his hand on Jamie’s splaying his fingers so River’s rest in between them, then Jamie feels River turn his head so his mouth is against his ear.  

“You want to see how I look when I’m really riled up?” It’s low and suggestive and Jamie barely swallows down the needy sound that’s begging to come from him.

Instead he takes a shaky inhale and on the exhale mutters a barely audible “Fuck.”

They had maybe been dancing around each other, little flirtatious remarks here and there but they were subtle, more ambiguous, they could be interpreted as something among really good friends but this, this was pretty forward, the intent clear, Jamie couldn’t ignore it or assign it under some different excuse in his mind. Jamie’s fingers twitch. Did he want to see what River looked like underneath him as Jamie worked him over, his cheeks flooding with red, his pupils blown wide, his body trembling, with him emitting little gasps and moans and whimpers of encouragement? Yeah, Jamie wants it, he’s went to bed more nights than he cares to admit imagining it. But—

Hhhh’TsSSStch..Hhh’TSSSssTchu…Hh’TsssTch…Hh’SssssTchuu.

Well that’s one reason why he can’t. Though right now River’s probably sneezing more from the allergens Scott tracked in, though certainly Jamie probably isn’t helping matters.  

Hh’TssSSch…Hh’TSSSTchuu..SssSStchiiu…Hhh’Tssstchuu. 

Jamie is desperate for his walkie talkie to go off, for a guest to come up to the front, something anything to keep him from having to respond. Thankfully the former happens and Jamie is grateful for the escape.  

“Sorry— I ummm, I have to go.” He says after answering. River nods in between the sneezes that are still coming. “I—uhh—I guess I’ll—umm—I’ll see you later.” Jamie says and hastily books it out of the office tripping over his feet as he goes, because apparently River’s suggestive flirting makes him lose all sense of coordination and limb control and turns him into even more a bumbling idiot than usual.

Jamie thinks about River’s damn comment the rest of the day, to the point of distraction. He can imagine how exquisite River looks being methodically and thoroughly unraveled, the image alone is enough to make Jamie nearly lose it, and make him wonder why he’s denying both of them the sweet pleasure.

Maybe Jesse was right. Maybe River is waiting for him. River put the ball in his court, he has to make the next move, and maybe he should. Maybe he should tell River everything, at least put it out there and let River decide if he wants to be with him.

***

They’re sitting at a corner table in the cafeteria just the two of them. Jamie’s been twitchy and anxious throughout the whole meal until seemingly apropos of nothing he blurts

“Have you ever considered allergy shots?”

“When I was younger and I was having a hard time in school being around a constant slew of people that were covered in their pet fur but I had an anaphylactic reaction to my first shot. My mom decided not to continue treatment. Despite what you might think it's actually gotten a little better as I've gotten older and beyond that I haven’t really needed to consider it because as a whole it’s generally easy to avoid the things that I’m allergic to and even in situations where I am exposed it’s not for a prolonged period of time.”

“Oh” Well that’s disappointing. Jamie chews his lip. “You wouldn’t ever consider getting a dog or would you?”

River chuckles. “Nothing against ‘em dogs are great but on principle I’m not personally a big fan. You saw what that one dog did to me. Imagine being exposed to that all the time.”

“Right.” Jamie says feeling more and more dismayed. “But umm, what if you met someone, I mean like got into a serious relationship with someone, who uhhh had a dog.”

“Hmmm. Well, I usually don’t date people that have pets, it tends to be easier that way. The guy with cats was the one and only exception and as you know it didn’t turn out well.”

“Right yeah of course.” Jamie’s heart plummets.

“Why do you ask?” River asks tilting his head inquisitively.

Jamie glances around. “I was just curious.”

River studies Jamie for a moment and Jamie thinks he might press but instead he just nods and then adds “I think my falling for someone with a dog isn’t going to be a problem, at least anytime soon.” River gives him a long pointed look.

Jamie thinks he knows what that means. “Well that’s just it.” Jamie glances around. “Maybe we can continue this conversation at home?” He says.

River smile is slow and a little sensual “My thoughts exactly.”

Scott intercepts them on their way out. Jamie is immediately wary, preparing to defend River if necessary but River is more annoyed.

“What do you want?” He hisses.

“Just thought you’d be interested in knowing this is what comes of people who fraternize with those moon bitches.” He stuffs his phone in River’s face. River glances at it but shoves it aside. “Your funeral I suppose. I texted you the article link.”

“If there weren’t a never ending supply of ignorant pricks that had your mentality it wouldn’t be dangerous for minorities and their allies to exist.” River says his tone full of fire. He practically drags Jamie out of the mess hall to their cabin.

“Can I see the article” Jamie asks once they’re inside.

“It’s some awful news report, he was just trying to prove some stupid point I’m sure. I know what people experience when they support social justice it’s not going to make me stop fighting for it.” River huffs passing over his phone.

Jamie opens the link, his heart dropping out of his chest. “Gay partner to Billings, MT Wolf Native Killed in Hate Crime.” Jamie reads the article in full dread washing over him, and because he likes to torture himself he reads through some of the top comments. They’re all ignorant and vitriolic drivel but there is one comment in particular that stands out. It isn’t lengthy like the other ones:

What else did the man expect dating a wolf? Why would any human ever want to be with a wolf, no human in their right mind would enter into such a relationship?

Jamie feels nauseous. While the comment is prejudiced as hell there is a fraction of truth. Bianimilia relationships between wolves and humans, while they did exist were not pervasive. There were biological imperative reasons for why, which tended to prevent wolves from being attracted to anything but other wolves but there were also a whole host of social reasons why, namely the increased danger it created for either party.

This could be River if Jamie was ever outed, if they were together. Maybe River didn’t care about that but Jamie couldn’t live with himself if he allowed that to happen and the simple truth was if they were together River’s life was infinitely more at risk then if he was just a public ally that supported non-discrimination laws and equal rights. River could support social justice without becoming a martyr and would be more impactful if he didn’t.  

Ugh how could Jamie have ever been so naïve to think he could be out to River much less be with River? He got too selfishly caught up in what he was feeling and what he wanted he failed to consider the serious and even life-threatening ramifications for River. Jamie wants to cry, he wants to scream but no manner of outburst changes the fact that he and River just aren’t meant to be this article is just one indication that he should do damn well to remember it.

Jamie turns to River who is looking at him so earnestly so hopefully and it guts him. “So” River says at the same time Jamie says “I”

Both apologize.

“You go.” Jamie says.  

“No, no you go.” River urges.

“Okay, I was just going to say I have a friend who I think you would like. But uhhh he has a dog, that he’s definitely not willing to part with, hence all the questions.” Jamie supplies lamely but it was the fastest explanation he could come up with. 

The sparkle in River’s eyes dims, his face falls, and his scent bottoms out. “Oh” he says with a kind of daze that you would expect from someone who was just smacked in the head. “I thought—“ he tears his eyes from Jamie’s “Never-mind. I yeah, I’m sure he’s great Jamie, I’m just, not really looking for someone to set me up with anyone.”

“Not when I’ve already fallen for someone else.” He adds so softly that Jamie knows he wasn’t supposed to hear it but he does hear it and it fractures his already splintered heart. 

Jamie’s trying to think of something to say when River beats him to it.  “I’m tired, I’m going to go to bed.”

“You—umm, didn’t want to tell me what you were going to say.” Jamie asks before he can stop himself desperate to still have some interaction with River, desperate to not see him walk away like this.

“It doesn’t matter now, I’ve already forgotten what it was.” River says his voice cracking. “Good night Jam.”

“Night Riv.” Jamie whispers after River’s back side.

Jamie escapes outdoors, he knows he can’t shift and he doesn't plan to despite the overwhelming urge, he’s just suffocating and needs open space, he breaks into a sprint running as fast as he can past the stables, past the pastures, to the edge of the forest. He opens his mouth and bellows a pained mournful howl. 

~TBC~

Additional A/N: 

Chapter title comes from the song "Slow Burning Fire" by Skydiggers

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by Not Telling
Reformatting, changed chapter number, numbers got misaligned. (Had multiple chapters with the same number.)

[Privatedancer]

Great chapter but I am feeling so bad for both of them!  I found myself thinking  I wish there was more support or acceptance of the wolves or a safer place for them to live and then that I am grateful this situation doesn’t exist as I could only imagine the impossibility of acceptance in todays world climate…I could just see the campaign platforms…

[dwaekki]

Aww, Jamie I really hope he can come out one of these days without the presence of Scott around. I think Scott needs to be properly put in his place (by either character 😏). I loved how powerful River was in this chapter, his self control is very admirable haha. Loved reading once again, especially about Jamie's emotions and River's sneezing, I hope it works out well for these 2 🤞❤️