I Hunger Only For You (Into the Wild With Me) -Chapters 16/16

[Alabaster]

Ugh dangit SCOTT. You ruined everything

[Lily]

The rythm of this chapter was so great...And the music you added was just fitting the chapter very nicely. 

I. Hate. Scott. 😡

But I loveeeee Jamie and River. They're so cute together. So caring. River is the absolute cutest but in this chapter wow he was just plain amazing. He's the kind of person I would be so proud to call a friend. Jamie is like being tortured by the situation I can't...His poor heart I want to fix 💔
The end of this chapter is heartbreaking, I'm so sad for both of them, I want to hug them and telling them everything is going to be ok...Cause please @Not Telling you can't do that to us 😭

[thesneezyowl]

Damn you, Scott. Damn you, hateful world. I’m HOPING that Jamie lets River make his own decisions soon! I know he’s trying to protect him, but that didn’t go so well before for either of them. This is like a sneezy, angsty novel that I never want to end!! 
 

And I hope you aren’t feeling pressure coming from our end!!! I’ll happily wait for these chapters for as long as it takes. They’re little gifts that I just love so much!

[2SHY222]

Oh my goodness I got angry with Jamie and River. This last chapter was incredible. I can't wait to see what happens next 

[Not Telling]

@Privatedancer It's none too hard to imagine the discrimination and hostility that wolves would face in our society. While the targets in real society are not wolves this treatment does exist today for many minorities. POC, the LGBTQ+ community, people that have a mental and/or physical disability. Everything I have written is corollary to real life examples of discrimination and prejudice and it's a heartbreaking reality. 

@dwaekki Yes, Scott is a right tosser.

@dwaekki @Lily I'm pleased that both of you recognized River's strength of character in the previous chapter. Often times when characters (or even people in real life) try to act as an ally and defend members of marginalized groups they resort to violence. And we even allow it. I watched a movie recently where one of the characters was gay. When he came out to his friends they were immediately accepting (they already knew) which was great but the way they showed their support was by saying something to the affect of "if anyone ever gives you a problem over it we'll beat them up." That doesn't do anything except solidify the other person's thinking and isn't the right manner to respond to combat prejudice. I don't like how normalized and even encouraged of a reaction this has become in the mainstream. I wanted a character that wasn't going to stand for ignorant bigotry but also wasn't going to resort to violence to get their point across and instead respond in a more measured educational way. Some people, like Scott, you aren't going to get through to no matter how calm and rational and informative you are. It's disappointing to be sure, but a fist through someone's face isn't going to be any more effective, in fact it's likely to be less effective. 

@Alabaster No story is complete without the antagonist.  

@Lily River and Jamie are just so darling aren't they?

On 8/14/2023 at 12:48 PM, Lily said:

I. Hate. Scott. 😡

Then I have written his character well. Haha

On 8/14/2023 at 12:48 PM, Lily said:

The end of this chapter is heartbreaking, I'm so sad for both of them, I want to hug them and telling them everything is going to be ok...Cause please @Not Telling you can't do that to us 😭

I can promise it won't be like this forever. 

@thesneezyowl The pressure is definitely self-imposed you all have been absolutely wonderful. Thank you for being so invested in this story! ❤️ 

On 8/14/2023 at 1:04 PM, thesneezyowl said:

I’m HOPING that Jamie lets River make his own decisions soon! I know he’s trying to protect him, but that didn’t go so well before for either of them.

It's true. The flaw of characters that have a protective and kind-hearted personality like Jamie, is that while they have the best intentions and they think what they're doing is for the safety and betterment of the other person, they remove agency from the person they're trying to protect. We can't take away the option of choice from other people. We don't get to decide what is right for someone else. It doesn't end well when we start making decisions for other people. 

@2SHY222 Thank you! ❤️  

 

Hello, hello kind and faithful readers! Just want to say thank you again to each and every one of you for all your wonderful comments and engagement with this story. Hope you all enjoy this latest update. Cheers! 

_________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 9: He Loved Me So Naughty, Made Me Weak In the Knees, Oh I wish I had a River I could Skate Away On.

Jamie would like to say that he dutifully instilled strict platonic boundaries and didn’t allow his emotional feelings for River to over-ride his actions. He’d like to say that he kept strictly to his boundaries of acceptable and allowable contact and interaction with River. Well, he could say all those things but it would be an egregious misrepresentation of the truth. Trying to separate himself from River is like trying to prevent a raccoon from going near trash, it’s a lesson in futility. The after-hours annual employee holiday party is a prime example.

Jamie had spent the majority of the afternoon decorating the mess hall and it now looks like a winter wonderland with hand-cut snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, garland and twigs of holly draped around the doorways. A lively holiday playlist that Jamie created himself for the event is playing at moderate volume through the event speakers. An assortment of table and card games are underway.

Jamie is casually observing the interactions at a nearby table in a corner of the room. Okay, truthfully he’s casually observing River dominant a game of Uno. He’s wearing a forest green turtleneck sweater that he noted earlier when he came in really accentuates and compliments his pretty sage green eyes. The sweater is adorn with reindeer and bells surrounding the inscription “Don we now our GAY apparel” the word Gay is written in all capitals and in rainbow colors. Jamie doesn’t hide the smile it brings to his face as he reads it. It suits him and he loves that this is a place that River can be himself without pretense.

River’s face lights with glee as he throws down a draw 4 card that Sarah has to pick up, as he yells out Uno to indicate he is holding only one last card. Okay, so more honestly, Jamie’s observation isn’t so casual, nothing about how Jamie is with River is casual, it couldn’t be any less casual than a Presidential inauguration. Jamie left any semblance of casual when it came to River months ago, perhaps even the first moment their hands touched in the lobby on the day they met. Jamie sighs turning to the table filled with mugs of eggnog grabs one pouring a healthy dose of whiskey into it and taking an indulgent sip.

River has a vibrancy and vitality that is impossible to not get sucked into. He’s like sunshine emanating warmth and heat and brightness and with that thought on his brain River chooses that moment to come over, which has to explain why Jamie greets him by saying “Hey sunshine.”

River’s pretty sage green eyes flicker with something unknown momentarily before the endearingly wide dimpling smile that Jamie adores stretches across his face. “Hey sweetheart.” River responds his tone soft and fond.

Jamie feels a comfortable giddy warmth settle in him at the use of the pet name. He attempts to disguise it by finishing off his egg nog in one long gulp. When he pulls the cup away from his mouth he sees River eyeing him, his lips quirked up with amusement.

“You have eggnog on your mustache.” River says with a tiny chortle. Jamie blushes reaching for a napkin but River beats him to it. “Let me.” He whispers holding the napkin up inches from Jamie’s lips. Jamie’s nerves skitter underneath his skin, and he can feel the tips of his ears burning, not trusting the sound of his voice presently he slowly nods his assent.

River steps closer slotting one of his legs between Jamie’s and Jamie is unable to stop the small hitch of his breath, as if guided by some kind of gravitational force his eyes connect with River’s. River gives him a secretive smile, and agonizingly slowly River swipes the napkin across his mouth. Jamie’s body stiffens in an effort to prevent himself from putting on an X rated show right here in the middle of the festivities but the flinch breaks the spell and River quickly drops his hand backing away.

“Sorry. I—sorry.” And Jamie knows why he’s pulling away. Jamie has led River to believe that he isn’t interested in River and this crosses some unspoken boundary. He all but rebuffed River when he had made it pretty clear that he was into Jamie. He can’t stand River’s hesitancy around him, he can’t stand the yearning glint in River’s eye when he looks at him, he can’t stand that he can’t be with who he is absolutely certain is the love of his life. He can’t stand how empty he feels every time he has to pull away from River. He can’t stand that this is what circumstance has reduced them to. So, instead of letting River step back like he should, instead of discouraging them from any further questionable proximity and shared private touches he catches River’s hand at the wrist, his thumb resting on River’s pulse point and he feels it racing in time with his own erratic heartbeat.

Jamie looks down at River, catching the look of pure unadulterated want in his eyes. Reactively, he licks his lower lip. River’s gaze tracks the movement settling on the pink tip of his tongue and Jamie doesn’t miss the way his eyes darken as his pupil dilates.

“Riv” he says his voice gravelly and husky. River’s lithe fingers trail up Jamie’s arm curling around his shoulder, reaching up on his toes he tilts his head. Jamie is frozen. River’s face is so close now he can feel his breath caressing the sensitive skin of his lips.

Jamie needs to stop this, this is too far but he is helpless to deny himself this any longer, besides, it’s the holidays, isn’t he allowed just one Christmas wish? Isn't he allowed his own happy ending? He needs River like he needs oxygen and water. River gives him breathe and quenches his thirst.

Jamie’s eyes instinctively flutter shut but when he thought he would feel lush lips on his, instead he hears a startled “Oof” just before he feels a weight being pushed into him pressing him against the wall. His eyes flash open to see Scott standing over them with a sneer.

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you.” He exclaims with blatant false politeness. “Though, it’s probably best that I did bump into you, better not to show off your gay love, you don’t know who you might offend.” Jamie feels River’s posture tense, the flare of anger oozing into his scent. Subtly, Jamie arranges himself so part of his body is shielding River from Scott and calmly responds.

“I’m not sure who you could possibly mean Scott.” pointedly he glances around “I don’t see anyone that is remotely offended.” Before Scott can provide what is sure to be a spitting remark Jamie continues. “Though I suppose I should thank you for your courtesy and advice, you are too right, indeed what I plan to give River later tonight shouldn’t include an audience.”

Scott looks scandalized and River snorts in amusement.

Jamie turns to River “In fact, would you look at the time. Come on sunshine, I simply can’t wait another minute to give you your gift and watch your enjoyment as you unwrap it.” He says with a coquettish wink gently guiding River towards the exit of the mess hall. Looking over his shoulder he gives a final “toodeloo” to Scott.

When they’re far enough away River doubles over with laughter. “Oh my god! The look on his face. That was priceless! Way to shove back all of his stupid, simple-minded bigotry back in his face. I can’t believe you just said all that. And you thought I handled him expertly. That was on another level! That was purely masterful!”

Jamie gives a satisfied smirk. “Well, while the insinuation may not be, what I said was true, I do actually have a gift that I plan to give you tonight privately. If Scott chooses to make assumptions about what that might be it is not my place to correct him, he’ll believe what he wants regardless and isn’t worthy of the truth or the effort of correcting.”

The humor in River’s face morphs to one of unexpected delight. “Y-you have a gift for me? But I wasn’t your Secret Santa, I know because Sarah was mine, she gave me the gift earlier tonight. It's her old alpine jacket because she got a new one, and she decided to give it to me because she knows I get cold easily. It's a gender neutral size medium so she thinks it should fit me just fine. She said she only wore it handful of times skiing. It’s still in fantastic shape. I can’t wait to wear it.”  

“Riv, you're the type of friend that gets a gift from me Secret Santa or no.” Jamie’s amused by River’s genuine surprise. “I’ve been waiting all week for tonight to be able to give it to you. I’d like to take you to it now if you’d let me. Best part, you’ll be able to wear that new jacket of yours.” Jamie says leading them to their items.

“Take me to it?” River says quizzically slipping into said aforementioned jacket. “Jam what on earth did you get me?”

“Come with me and you’ll find out.” He says holding out his hand before he can think twice about it and instantly River’s hand is encased in his. As they’re walking River begins to sniffle. After a few more minutes of this and seeing River swipe at his nose with his coat sleeve Jamie passes River a travel pack of tissues. He always keeps one on him just in case. He protects it in a silicone Ziploc bag so it doesn’t get contaminated with his own allergens.

 River flushes a sweet pale candy-apple pink but accepts the pack pulling out a tissue and blowing his nose.

“Thank you. Sorry, it feels like something is irritating my nose, I kind of feel like a tickle building but I’m not sure what it could be from.”

“Hmmm.” Jamie responds. He doesn’t think it’s him, even though they’re holding hands he’s keeping a distance that with all his pre-cautions River is usually able to tolerate.

They keep walking, before River stops dead pulling his hand away from Jamie’s. “Sssorry I jjust Hhh’ ss—something rr—r—really iiss Hhh’ Oohhh God—“ River’s eyes flutter shut he turns his head into the inside of his coat

Hhh’Hhh’TssTch…Hhh’TTssTch…Hh’Hhh’Heeh’SsssTchu….Hhh’TStch.

Jamie watches River concerned, he’s near positive that this fit isn’t triggered by him but as he hits the double digits Jamie is also certain that this is an allergic fit.

“Bless you. You good?” Jamie asks when River’s done.

“For now.” He says. “Sorry, I really don’t know what is setting me off, but gosh there’s something, my nose is tingling right crazy.”

“Sorry.” Jamie says lamely unsure what else to contribute to the conversation.

He continues to lead them around back the main entry lodge to the maintenance shed where another newly built structure is standing beside it. River turns to Jamie with an intrigued but confused expression. Jamie gives a small smile before opening the door and leading them inside.

River gasps surveying the space “Did you make me a dark room?” he asks his tone astounded but the gasp seemed to trigger another sneezing fit.

Hhh’TtStch…Hhh’Hhh’EssTchu…Hhh’SssTch…Hh’Hhh’Hhh’SssTchu..TssTch..Hh'Hhh'Hheh'SsTchiuu

“Bless you.” Then he nods in answer to River’s previous question “I remember you saying that there’s something magical about film photography and I wanted you to have that here. I approved it through Mel, she thought it was a wonderful idea. We even discussed the idea of you reproducing your photos and selling them at the front desk. You’re photography is inspired River, they would make great souvenirs for our guests. Mel agreed that you would get majority share of the profits and uhhhh—“ Jamie grabs a neatly wrapped package from a nearby shelf and places it in River’s hands. “Here, the second part of your gift. Told you there would be unwrapping required.” He says with wink. 

River chuckles. "Hold on, one sec." He turns his face away burying it in the inside of his jacket preparing for the approaching fit. 

Hhh’TtStch…Hhh’EssTchu…’SssTchuu…Hh’Hhh’Hhh’TsssTch..Hh'Hhh'Hheh'SsTchuu

"Whew okay! Sorry." He says and Jamie can detect that his nose is getting congested from whatever allergen has embedded itself in his nasal passages. 

"Bless you."

"Thank you." 

River returns his attention back to the package carefully removing the wrapping paper to reveal a high end film camera. “Jam” River says in an awed shushed tone.

“I don’t really know much about photography, I’m afraid but I looked up a bunch of articles and reviews of the best film cameras and this one was widely recommended. I also observed that your digital camera was a Canon so I thought it would be safe to stick with that brand, but umm I have the receipt if you’d rather something else I can return this one and let you—“ but he’s cut off by enthusiastic arms engulfing him a tight squeeze.

“This is the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me.” River says into his chest. Jamie flushes. “Thank you, seriously, it's—I'm amazed that you would do all this for me.” River says before quickly turning to the side.

Little does River know that Jamie would give him the world if he could. While that's not possible, what he can give him is a method of creating and developing the way he sees the world, and maybe that's better than the world itself.

Hhhh’hhh’Tsstch…Hhehh’Hhh’heH’TsssTchiu..Hhhssstchuuu..Hhh’Tssstchu…SssTchu.

“Bless you” Jamie says when River’s finished bringing up his hand to gently sweep back the tendrils of hair that are now flopping in his face.

“Thank you.” Is the soft response. “Do you maybe www—wwant tt-too—“

'SsStch…Hhehh’Hhh’heh’TsssTCh..Hhh’ssstchu..Hhh’SstCh…Hhh’Hhh’Heeh’SssTchu..Hhh’TTssshh..SssTch…Hhh’TssTch.

“Holy Hell!” River says sniffling.

“Bless you.”

River shakes his head “Yyyou’re gg—go—gonna wwaannt t-tto Hhhh—oold off—“

SssTch..Hhh’TssSTch..Hhh’Ee’SsTCh..Hh’SssTchiuu..Hh’Hh’Heeh’TssStch.

“Cc—cccaaa Hhh—can’t SsssT—Chu. Stop.”

River is definitely in the throes of a vicious allergy fit. His quick recovery breathes just turn into the breathy build-ups of the next sneeze. River runs into one of the shelves as he bends over for the next sneeze.

“Okay Rivy, let’s get you seated somewhere you aren’t going to hurt yourself.” Jamie takes River’s hand and sits them on the floor so he’s supporting River’s weight. River has his face buried in the inside of his coat, the sneezes building in intensity with every release.

Jamie recalls a conversation with River where he shared that he was basically allergic to anything animal related and realizes suddenly he thinks he knows what the culprit of this allergy attack is. “Riv, are you allergic to down?”

River shakes his head in affirmation unable to communicate anything beyond that as sneezes continued to pummel forth out of him.

“Well good news I think the mystery behind what is causing this is solved. Bad news, you're not going to like it. But I think it might be your coat. Most high end alpine jackets use down for its insulative properties and quality that is usually superior to synthetic insulation.” He says sympathetically, both for River’s sneezing, but also knowing he will be devastated that he can’t use the gift.

River’s eyes widened in recognition “Ssshhhitt” he manages to get out in between sneezes. “I—didddn’t eeevven thh-ttHhh—think of tt-tthhat.”

Hhh’TssSTch..Hhh’Ee’SsCh..Hh’SssTchu..Hh’Hh’Heeh’TssSTchiiu

“I think maybe we should get you home and this jacket off you as quickly as possible." Jamie advises.

River agrees.

Jamie has to wrap his arm around River’s waist to keep River upright and moving the entire walk home. As soon as they enter the door Jamie helps River out of the jacket. “I’ll just ummm—put this in my room?”

River nods heading for the couch.

Jamie returns with allergy medication and a Talking Heads t-shirt. He patiently waits for River’s fit to die off.

“I think maybe we should get you out of that sweater now too.” He passes River the shirt tightening his hands into fists to prevent himself from getting involved. Jamie does not need to be undressing and dressing River. That is definitely off limits.

“Here.” He says passing River the pills and a glass of water once he has the shirt on.

River smiles giving a rueful chuckle “Is it just me or have we done this before?”

Jamie smiles “Rivy, I’ll do it as many times as you need as long as we’re both here, you know I’ll look after you.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem.” River says quiet and forlorn. Jamie isn’t even quite sure he was meant to hear it.

Is it unfair of Jamie to be like this with River when he knows River wants more? Should he be backing off and giving him more space? Is the little halves he's giving River only causing him more pain? River deserves the chance to be happy and with someone who can be with him and love him completely all the time without all these impediments getting in the way. Is he preventing River from moving on so he can find that person? Because that person can never be Jamie.

“Sorry, I know it probably isn’t my place. I—I won’t if you don’t want me to. I just want you to be safe and happy Riv.”

“I do want you to” River whispers. “And that’s a problem as well.”

It’s a grenade in his stomach. He hates that River is suffering and all for the wrong reasons, all because he thinks that his feelings are unrequited. He opens his mouth to speak but River speaks first.

He shakes his head “I’m not making any sense. Don’t pay me any mind.” 

Hhh’TtStch…Hhh’SssTchu…Hhh’Ssstch..Hh'Hh'TSssTch

“Bless you.”

“Thank you. Lingering tickle.” River explains. “Now where were we? Oh yes, it’s my turn to give you your gift.” He says the previous melancholy buried. At the look on Jamie’s face he says “What you thought you were the only one that could get his best friend a gift outside of secret Santa? Albeit it doesn’t quite compare to a dark room and film camera but—“

“If it’s from you, I’m sure I’ll love it no matter what it is” Jamie says sincerely.

River retreats returning with a small wrapped package.

Jamie opens it to reveal a universal socket wrench.

“I remember when you were replacing the spark plugs in the generator a few weeks ago you had grabbed the wrong size socket wrench for installation and had to go get your tool box that you’d left at the stables for a project you were working on down there. I thought you could keep this in your tool belt at all times and you’d be covered in most scenarios.”

“Riv, this is wonderful! I—thank you. This is better than a dark room.”

River chuckles “I don’t know about that but I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it! This is going to come in so handy and be so convenient you have no idea.” Jamie excitedly details all the occasions he could use it over other tools and how much more efficient it’s going to be while he’s working. After a couple of minutes he realizes that he’s been geeking out and stops himself an embarrassed blush on his cheeks.

River laughs. “I feel like I should be making some kind of stereotype joke about men and their tools but it’s so adorable how excited you are.”

The flush on Jamie’s face deepens. “You know I seem to recall you saying something about enjoying a good handyman.”

River laughs. “Oh, you won’t see me complaining I love when a man is not only competent but gets excited about the tools he’s working with. Let me tell you enthusiasm and excitement is more than half of what counts.”

Jamie’s mouth goes dry and he swears his face is on fire. “Umm—yeah that’s—yeah.” God! Will he ever cease getting all tongue tied and flustered around River? Why can’t he be suave and witty and cool? He’s twiddling the wrench nervously in his hand and fumbles it, he lunges to try and catch it, but it slips through his fingers rolling onto River’s foot. “Shit! Fuck!” He exclaims but River just cracks up.

“I’m so sorry.” Jamie kneels on the floor taking off River’s sock to inspect his foot. “I didn’t hurt you did I? Do I need to get ice? God I am normally a lot more coordinated.”

River continues to laugh. “I’m fine Jam, it barely clipped me.”

“Are you sure? Maybe we should prop your foot up so it doesn't swell?” Jamie asks his hand curling around River’s ankle gently running his pointer finger along the top of his foot.  

“I’m truly fine. I think my sock padded most of the impact. I’ve stubbed my toe harder I assure you.”

Jamie still comfortingly stroking River's foot looks up, brown eyes meeting green, and Jamie sees the concupiscent flames in River’s gaze, the way his lips are minutely parted, he smells the normally spicy and musky undertones of his scent surfacing, and suddenly realizes the compromising and suggestive position he’s in.

“Ummm—“ He sits back on his heels rendered speechless. Heat pools low in his abdomen, a warm flood of invigorating and anticipatory energy. His brain gets a little clouded. He releases his hand off River grabbing the socket tool which he promptly fumbles dropping once more on River’s foot.

“Jesus Christ!” He’s sure his face must be turning purple, he isn’t sure there is a color red deep enough that qualifies for what he must look like right now. “Sorry” he says supremely embarrassed.

This just results in renewed laughter from River.

“Laugh it up.” He mumbles resuming his spot on the couch.

“Oh Jam. Of course you have to be so—just so you.”

“What? A train wreck? Cringeworthy in every way but unable to look away? Someone prone to give you second-hand embarrassment on a daily basis?” He attempts to joke.

River shakes his head. “So damn fucking perfect.” And great, now he sounds sad again but he quickly brightens. “There’s one more thing, well it’s not exactly a gift, it’s kind of up to you but I really hope you agree.”

Jamie looks a little confused.

“Well we both have 2 weeks of vacation time that we haven’t used, and business is going to slow down a little in the middle of Jan. I thought that we could take the time off together and do some back country winter hiking in Glacier. I already verified with Mel if she could accommodate both of us being off together and she said it wouldn’t be a problem. So yeah, would you want to use your two weeks off with me?”

It’s a bad idea, it’s playing with fire. There are so many reasons why Jamie should decline. January into spring is peak mating season for wolves. His hormones are going to be an imbalanced wreck and his impulses will be driven by the biological imperative to mate. Jamie has never had any issue with regulating himself and his behavior during that time of year in the past, but he’s also never been in a situation like he is with River during mating season either. To be honest, he was already concerned about his inability to control himself during this time. Even on his best day, despite every fact for why he needs to stay away, Jamie can’t resist River. Putting them together for 2 solitary weeks in the wilderness would be like holding an open flame to kerosene. There can be only one result and it would explosive.

Then of course there’s the matter that River is allergic to Jamie’s existence, and while he has managed to reduce River’s reaction to him, his ability to maintain the precautions he’s been so diligent with while in the back-country will be minimal thereby probably increasing River’s symptoms around him.

But Jamie knows how much he’s already let River down, how much he’s already hurt him, not to mention his own unremitting desire for River. He knows that despite what he should do, he’s never going to be able to say no, there’s no use in even pretending that he’s going to. But then River adds.

“Please, Jam, I know you don’t fe—just would you please do this for me?”

And maybe they’re both torturing themselves at this point and while that should tell Jamie that he needs to be the person to let River go, give him the chance to move on, all it makes him want to do is give River everything he can, even if it isn’t everything they both want.

“Of course I’ll come with you sunshine, I’ve been itching for some extended time to explore Glacier and there’s no one else I’d rather go with or who I want to spend my two weeks off with.”

River’s responding overjoyed gleaming smile is all Jamie needs.

They sit quietly for a few couple minutes until one of their phones ding.

“It’s officially Christmas.” River says after checking his phone. “We each get a wish."

"I think I used mine earlier." Jamie replies.

"Oh, did it come true?"

Jamie wouldn't ordinarily be forthright, but maybe there's something in the air, the giving spirit that is abound during the holiday season, maybe it's the sorrow he's seen from River tonight knowing he's the cause of it, maybe it's that he's so tired of hiding his feelings, that compels him to share "I'm here with you right now, so yes."

"You wished to be with me tonight?"

"I wish to be with you always Riv." Jamie whispers, all raw honesty. 

River's expressions go through an array of emotions-shock, awe, confusion, sweet contentedness. "You can have that Jam, I'm with you forever." Softer he adds. "Can I tell you my wish?"

“You can tell me anything Riv.”

“Remember the second day after we met, when I was having that random allergy attack and you situated us on the couch so we were lying down and you were holding me?”

Jamie nods. He isn’t easily forgetting that.

“We, we haven’t laid like that since.”

Jamie swallows. “Uh no we haven’t.”

“It was really nice.”

Jamie doesn’t say anything waiting for what River will say next.

“I wish we could lie together like that again." He pauses and then with a quiet confidence asks "Would you hold me like that again?”

Jamie takes a long exhale on the breath he wasn’t even aware he had been holding. He lies down sliding his legs behind where River is sitting, nudging him so he lies down as well, while bringing his arm around his waist and pulling him flush against him. “Like this?” He whispers into River’s ear and can’t help but feel empowered by the shiver that trails down River’s body.

“Just like this.” He says on a sigh. “Thank you.”

“Merry Christmas Rivy.”

“Merry Christmas Jam.”

***

The next thing Jamie becomes aware of is his phone going off with a notification alert. He blinks awake seeing that he’s still on the couch River wedged against him. The shirt Jamie lent him had rumpled and pulled up during the night revealing the flat V of his abs, his curls are sleep mussed. He looks breath-taking. What Jamie would give to wake up with River next to him, in his arms every morning.

Another alert goes off and a small grumble comes from River as he turns flinging his arm against Jamie but doesn't wake. Jamie bites back a giggle but he can’t help but kiss the top of River’s sweet head. He carefully leans over River to grab his phone off the coffee table.  

He turns the screen on to see an article alert:

Breaking - Montana passes multiple anti-wolf laws.

Jamie grits his teeth bracing himself for whatever appalling and discriminatory unjust things are going to be revealed. He clicks on the article reviewing the newly enacted laws that take are immediately effective. The first two are dismaying though he has to admit on par for the course in a conservative state.  

SB 578 allows schools, employers, and businesses to forcibly out wolves.

SB 580 discourages cities from passing non-discrimination ordinances by raising barriers to proposing ordinances and making it easier to challenge ordinances in court.

Nothing could have prepared Jamie for the last bill.  

HB802 criminalizes any human/wolf relationship.

Jamie reads it again too stunned, too horrified to believe that this could actually be happening. Not only was legislation removing wolves right to privacy, their protected right, there was so much hostility in the legislative climate for wolves that they actually managed to remove their right to be with whoever they want. Not only just remove it, make it punishable by law for either party, like some kind of present day apartheid.

Jamie glances at River who is still largely asleep. Looking so sweet and so exquisite curled up against Jamie, almost like he was his. He feels the tears sting his eyes. The bliss he felt not but a few minutes ago floating away. Any lingering hope he had about somehow being able to be with River dissolves like dust in the wind.

Maybe they could have worked around River’s allergies, maybe they could have worked around the risk of Jamie being wolf, and he thinks River probably would have been willing to do so on both accounts. But this, this is ironclad-Jamie can’t be with and was never meant to be with River. It would literally be a crime. There’s no more hypothetical inquiry about whether or not River would be punished for being with him. It is a certainty and it will all fall under the letter of the law.

Jamie steals himself one more touch, carding his fingers through River’s thick curls, risking a final chaste kiss pressed to his shoulder blade. He’s starting to feel like he’s in some Shakespearean star-crossed lovers tragedy. “For never was there a story that was more gloomy than of Jamie and his Rivy.” He’s just going to ensure that at the very least River doesn’t die in the end.

Guess it’s true what they say about rest and the wicked. They can’t even leave the holidays well enough alone. Merry Christmas to me! Jamie thinks bitterly.

~TBC~

Additional A/N:

Chapter title comes from the song "River" by Joni Mitchell

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by Not Telling
Added missed punctuation. Reformatting. Correct chapter number -numbers got misaligned.

[dwaekki]

No pleaseee! They're gonna have to move somewhere else. It's final. 

This pair's dynamics are unlike any other and they way you write for both characters is something so special. I loved the way we got to see another cuddling scene, I have to say it was definitely one of my favourites the first time, I can only marvel imagining if we're going to get to see more allergy attacks whilst cuddling 😮. Thank you for writing so well once again, but this sudden plot twist is not where I wanted this to go 😭💔 not after they've just managed to get even closer! I trust you have an amazing journey this plot will take so I'm not too worried, I just can tlet go of the love between these two! Thank you for sharing, I can't wait to read more ❤️

[thesneezyowl]

Nooooooo! Damn you, state of Montana!!! I need to have a chat with Jamie 😂 This doesn’t mean they aren’t meant to be … it means they need to move. HAHAHA! The angst, the chemistry, the yearning … you’ve written this so well!!! Now I shall commence trying to figure out what twists and turns will be next. 

[funbusej]

Oh wow, Shakespearean tragedy is right!  The hits just keep on coming.  Poor sweet, boys!!  How the heck is Jamie going to deal with this?!  Probably not well.  I don't know where this is headed, but I can't wait to find out.  Hopefully the angst will be tempered with some sweet moments, if not banished completely, soon.  

[Privatedancer]

I was so hoping this was an update - I can’t imagine how things can reach a happy place but I Sam very much hoping they do:)

[HPG]

Nooo!! These poor guys just can't catch a break.

[Not Telling]

@dwaekki Your comments are always so sweet and encouraging! Thank you! ❤️ I must admit the twist was a bit of a surprise to me as well. It's not quite the direction I had originally intended, but sometimes you're not in control and you just have to let the story go where it wants to but I do have an ultimate plan that won't be thwarted, we just might find we're taking the Supertramp way forward and taking the long way home. 

@thesneezyowl Yes, you tell Jamie, he clearly needs a voice of reason.  

@funbusej I hear you, it's been a heavy last couple of updates. Soft, sweet moments commence! 

@Privatedancer Hooray this is actually an update! Yes, things took a bit of turn, for myself included and I kind of hide to ride it out.

@HPG I know  We'll get there. 

Hello, hello. I know that the last several chapters have taken such dark turns. I hope this chapter offers a little reprieve and some balance.  

I'm hoping to get another chapter or two posted as I'm heading out of town and will not have internet access and be unable to update for a week or so. But given how long this chapter took me I'm not going to place any bets. If that does wind up to be the case the good news is this chapter is slightly longer and makes the overall wordcount hit over 50+

____________________________________________________

Chapter 10: When I Come To Terms, Come To Terms With This, My World Will Change For Me

Jamie spent much of the day in a foggy haze. He was vaguely aware of performing his tasks in a way that someone would be aware that someone speaking a different language is talking. He finished fixing a pipe in the kitchen but he couldn’t actually recall anything he had done to fix it.  

Both his brother and his parents had called and texted. He had texted brief responses to each so they at least knew he was safe but didn’t acknowledge anything beyond that. How could he?

He had come here to escape the anti-wolf atrocities he was seeing in the corporate sector and instead found himself in a state where his existence was vastly becoming a crime. He can’t even begin to process everything he’s feeling. Enraged, despaired, heartbroken, acrimonious, and anything in between.

He doesn’t want to have to explain why these laws feel more like a personal attack on him than other anti-wolf policies he’s seen implemented in his life time. Right now he doesn’t want to have to face anyone not even those that love him and understand, he just wants to retreat within himself enter a space in his mind where he can imagine that the world isn’t this desolate, hateful, cruel place. A place where these horrors aren’t happening.

He contemplates leaving but as long as River is still here he knows that isn’t ever an option he’ll take.

Mel hosts a meeting with all staff members later Christmas Day.

She begins the meeting “It is with a heavy heart that I pull you all together today. For those of you who have not heard Montana passed 3 bills that directly affect the rights of the wolf population. While these bills have legalized discriminatory practices by business, employers, schools, and other institutions as well as will limit the rights wolves will be granted by law I want everyone to know that Mahihkan does not support these laws. We believe it is a gross travesty of justice and we respect the right to privacy and protection and relational choice for all people. We want this to be a safe and protected place for any possible wolf guests and employees. I don’t care what the law allows we will offer the same protection to every guest and every employee that is here. We will not be instilling discriminatory practices and we definitely will not be finding ways to forcibly out wolves. I hope you all will operate under this code. If this does not suit any of you are welcome to leave.”

River and Jamie both glance over at Scott. He hasn’t said a word but it’s obvious by the expression on his face he is displeased with her stance.

Scott is an ignorant wanker but laws like what Montana has just passed empower people like Scott and Jamie is genuinely concerned over what he will do. Never underestimate what even a moronic bigot can and will do with permission. While Jamie is encouraged by Mel’s stance it does little in the eye of the law. If Scott chooses to enforce and enact his legal right to out wolves and ensure they aren’t protected Mel won’t be in any position to do anything.

Just a few days after the laws are enacted Jamie receives an article notification regarding a kindergartner wolf that was outed. Younger wolves have significantly less control over their shifting impulse, particularly in emotional states. The student accidentally shifted during recess. The student was immediately expelled, the parents terminated from their jobs, and their home was destroyed in a fire set by community members.

The reports get more dismal, more gruesome as the week carries on. Jamie reads each one with growing despair and fear. He feels untethered and exhausted by it all which is probably why he now finds himself yelling at the office printer. “Fucking horseshit fucking crap printer!” He rants giving the base a frustrated kick.

Moments later River peeks his head into the printer office. “Everything okay in here?”

“Piece of shit printer isn’t working! I’ve checked the toner, the ink, the paper tray, I’ve run the printer troubleshooter, checked the router, the internet connection, I’ve cleared the queue, I’ve restarted my computer and the printer, everything is just fine, it just isn’t fucking printing!”

He gets out growing more and more hysterical, a proliferation of the overwhelming emotions that has been building up in him over the past week. Horrifyingly a broken blubbering sob rips itself from his body, unbidden tears fill his eyes before streaming out. He swipes them away mortified but the damn is broken and he can’t stop. He crumples to the floor with heavy body shaking heaves.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Jamie vaguely hears before he feels himself being pulled into a tight embrace. Jamie cries silently but violently into River, his entire body shaking. “That’s it Jam, let it go. Whatever pain you’re feeling right now, let me feel it.” River cradles the back of Jamie’s neck and pulls his head to rest on his shoulder. He kisses the top of his head running his long fingers through Jamie’s thick hair. Jamie lets out a plaintive keening sound.

“Okay, it’s okay. I’m here. I got you sweetheart.” River coos.

Jamie cries until his tear ducts dry out. Emotionally depleted he slumps into River.

River kisses the top of his head once more. "Oh—one sec.” River turns his head to the side taking quick fast breaths, unable to pull his shirt collar up over his face like he normally does, with Jamie lying on him, he sneezes into the crook of his elbow but when he feels Jamie attempt to pull away River uses his other hand to hold Jamie in place against him.

Hhh’TtStch…Hhh’mmptssssh…Hh’SssTch

Jamie feels how River’s body tightens and his chest expands in preparation for each sneeze. River’s body jerks forward with each release taking Jamie with him, it’s almost as if he could be the one sneezing instead of River. It’s so intimate and Jamie thinks about all the people that have spurned River for his allergies, all those people that considered them a nuisance not realizing what they could mean, what Jamie’s always known, that there was vulnerability in it and something that could enhance closeness.

Hhh’TtSTch…HH’SssTch

In the face of both Jamie’s reverie and despondency it takes him another moment to remember that he likely triggered that little set of sneezes but it’s not something he can let himself feel guilty over right now, not with everything else. As far as River’s allergy attacks go, this was very mild. After months of not shifting and all the additional care he was taking to rid himself of as many allergens as he could, it seemed like the amount that he could be exposed to River without sending him into a sneezing fittish frenzy had drastically improved.

Even with close proximity his fits seemed fewer and farther between. He really only seemed particularly effected when his face was near his hair, like he had been just now. Though usually that wasn't something that was too hard to avoid. It was a menial win in the grand scheme of things but Jamie needed that right now.

“Bless.” He mumbles into River’s shoulder.

“Ttthhh—Ttthh-“ Hhh’hhh’SsssTChu.

“Ooops that one crept on me. Thanks.”

After a few more minutes of silence River says gently “Now, I’m going to take a stab on this one and say that this wasn’t really about the printer.”

In spite of himself Jamie let’s out a lone guffaw. “That would be an astute assessment. What gave it away?” He asks more rhetorically.

River laughs.

“Sorry, I kind of lost it.”

“Jamie listen to me, never deny yourself a release of emotions. There is a dignity and greatness in your sorrow in your grief. In situations of extreme pain, danger, or grief you are bare and exposed sure but you reveal yourself, you heal and you rise as you who you are meant to be, but you’ll never rise if you don’t embrace the pain, if you don’t allow yourself to feel it. Pain is a representation of a longing for hope. The day you stop feeling pain, the day you stop longing for hope is the day you die Jam. You’re magnificent to me right here in this moment because you're stripped raw and truly alive and I’m honored that I am someone that you would reveal yourself to.”

As River’s talking Jamie is filled with the overwhelming compulsion to kiss him. His emotional state is too fragile right now, his restraint is hanging on by a thread. He feels three words clung to his tongue waiting for him to open his mouth and spring out. Instead he carefully chooses his words “Thank you for being someone that makes me feel safe enough to be able to reveal myself.”

“Always.” River says placing a final soft kiss on the top of Jamie’s head. But abruptly he takes a sharp inhale before snapping forward with 3 quick sneezes.

Hhh’TSTch..Hhh’SssTch…Hhh’hh’TssSch..Hh'TssChu

“Bless you.”

“Thanks, sorry, I think your hair tickled my nose a little.

Yeah, sure if you want to go with that explanation. Jamie thinks.

”Now!” River claps his hands together “Let’s see if we can get that persnickety thing operating again.”

Jamie nods hesitantly.

“Alright, so first question you said you reset your computer and the printer but did you try restarting the router?”

“Oh—no I didn’t.”

“Okay, let’s try that. Sometimes when the printer gets buggy everything needs a reset and it self corrects. Resetting the router just might do the trick. The turn it off and on again trifecta.”

River exits back to the front office to where the router is. A couple minutes later Jamie hears the mechanisms of the printer whirring.

“Is it working?” River asks poking his head back in.

“Yes. I—thank you.” Jamie says feeling a little foolish and a little embarrassed taking the freshly printed papers.

“You know, I’m off the clock. I’ve got all night to listen if you wanted to share what has you yelling at printers, not that I’m saying that it isn’t deserving, it’s just not like you.”

Jamie laughs weakly.

River steps forward gently brushing Jamie’s hair aside, his palm sliding down Jamie’s cheek. Jamie presses into the touch. “You don’t have to. Only know I’m here for you. I’ll give you whatever you need, whatever will help.”

“Can we just go home?” Jamie asks meekly.

“Of course sweetheart. Why don’t you head there now, I’ll swing by the cafeteria and get us some food and meet you there shortly.”

Jamie is so grateful that River intuitively knows that Jamie wouldn’t want to accompany him to the dining hall. He nods.

Ten minutes later River walks through the door. His potent smell assails Jamie’s nostrils, it slices through his grief and despair filling him with wanton need. So apparently despondency in combination with hormonal elevation during mating season makes for a heady combination. His wolf gives a feeble whine.

“Jam?” River asks going to him on the couch.

“Please, please.” Jamie pleads his whole body shaking.

“What sweetheart, what do you need?” River asks.

“Hold me?”

“Of course, whenever you want.” River wraps Jamie into his arms lying down on the couch, Jamie on top of him his head lying against his chest, River's face pressed against his head. River lazily trails his fingers up and down Jamie’s spine. Sending an endless stream of shivers through his body. The desire slowly subsides ebbing into something equally intoxicating- solace, a sense of belonging, home. He lets himself drift on that cloud reaching an almost meditative state until he hears River’s honey smooth voice.

“Jam?”

“Mmm?”

“Sorry I—I ttthh—tthh—“ Heh He pinches his nose trying to stave off the impending sneeze while continuing to say “I need to sn-sneeze.” But even with that warning there wasn’t enough time to do anything about it.

Hhh’TssTch…SsssTch..Hh’Hh’Heeh’SssTch..Hh'SsTchu..Hhh'SssTch..'TSsTch

With Jamie on top of River while he's sneezing, it's a different sensation entirely then other positions they’ve been in while he’s sneezing. When his body jolts with each release he’s thrust up into Jamie. Well, that certainly renews Jamie's baser wants. Jamie bites his lip to keep from moaning, gripping the pillow by River’s head to prevent himself from responding to River’s little jolts of his hips with thrusts of his own.

Hh’SsTCh…Hh’Hh’Hheh’SssTchu.

Oh Christ, Jamie hopes this fit ends soon he isn’t sure how much more he can take. Thankfully after a few more sneezes River is done.

“Sorry” he says his cheeks splotching with red. “I couldn’t hold those back.”

“It’s fine Rivy. You don’t have to hold back for me, just let them out, there’s no need to torture that nose of yours more than necessary.” He says impulsively giving it a gentle boop. River’s face immediately scrunches.

'TtStch…SssTch…Hhh’EssTchu

“Ahhh—did I do that?” Jamie asks a little awed.

River’s blush is so appealing. “Once it gets going, it doesn’t take much to set it off.”

Jamie chews his lip holding off an endeared giggle. “Sorry, I didn’t realize.”

River gives a tiny smile. “The woes of a sensitive nose. Sometimes just the verbal suggestion is enough to get me going.”

“No way?” Jamie says in hushed wonder.

“I mean, I have to give into it, but certain words if said when my nose is already hyped up, can make it a little prickly. I can usually block it from producing a fit and generally do. That’s far easier to control from an allergy fit, and I’ve had a lot of practice over the years learning out of necessity, but if I don’t try and prevent it and just let it build yeah it’ll often result in a small fit.”

“Wow” Jamie exclaims.

River nods “It’ll probably work right now actually, there’s definitely something triggering my nose a bit.”

“Are you saying you ummm—I mean uhhh—what exactly are you saying, you—you want me to try?” Jamie asks tentative not sure he’s understanding or reading this right. Even though River seems less self-conscious about his sneezes around him than other people he can’t imagine that he would want Jamie to try and get him to sneeze on purpose.

“If you want” River says.

Jamie admittedly is very intrigued and curious but he doesn’t want to make River uncomfortable.

“Why?”

River shrugs. “I—oh hhh-hhold on—“

Hhh’TssTch…Hhh’SssTchu…Hhh’SssTch...SssTch..Hh'SsTch..Hh'Hheh'SssTchu

“Bless. I’m not sure you need any more assistance.” Jamie says. Not while I’m lying on top of you anyways and your face is pressed into my hair.

“It’ll just make it that much more sensitive to the uhh—ttthh Hhh the ss—sugge—Hhh’ suggestion—“

Hhh’SssTch…TttStch…SssTch..Hhh’SssTch..Hh'SsSssTChuu

Jamie bites his lip still unsure.

“I trust you.” River says when the fit finishes. “That’s umm why. I trust you not to make fun of me or take advantage of it. I trust you to have a certain power over me, and I want you to know that I’ll surrender to you.”

Jamie gulps. River can’t be saying things like that to him but also he lives for River telling him those kinds of things. He recognizes that what River is giving him permission to do is precious. River is gifting him his vulnerability and he isn’t about to turn that down offering. It’s also as good excuse as any to put some separation between them since he knows he’s the cause for his latest nose sensitivity.

“I—uhhh—okay. But ummm I think I should maybe go to the opposite side of the room in case it’s something on my clothes that is setting you off. You know to be sure of the full effect.”

River nods. "Probably smart."

Jamie gently climbs off River going to stand by the window. “Okay ummm do you umm—I mean do you feel like you need to umm—you know—right now?”

“Not especially.”

“Okay. Ummm—I don’t really know—I mean do I just ask something like what is it that’s making you sneeze?”

Immediately Jamie hears a sharp inhalation of breath.

'TssSTch…Hhh’SssTchu.

He’s genuinely shocked, it’s not that he thinks that River was letting him on but he just didn’t think it was actually possible.

“Bless you.” Jamie whispers in complete astonishment and fascination.

River sniffs flashing him the sweetest smile. “You can do it again.”

“Yy—You’re sure?”

River shakes his head. "Yeah." 

“Okay” With more confidence than he feels he says “Rivy, it seems like your nose is feeling a little tickly.” Jamie watches River’s face carefully as he says this and sees his nose twitch immediately at the word tickly. His eyes go a little glassy with a far off expression, his chest expands and—

Hhh’SssTch…Hh’Hhh’SssTchu..Hhh’Hhh’ssSTch..SssTch..Hh’SssTch...Hh'Hh'SssTchu

“Bless you! Wow! I can’t believe that you can sneeze so many times just from that.”

He only realizes what he’s said when River immediately pitches forward with 3 more sneezes.

“Bless. Uhh—sorry that last that was—ummm—not intentional." He resumes his place next to River on the couch. Taking his hands into his he says “Thank you Rivy. This is a true gift, thank you for trusting me with it.”

“I’m yours Jam, all yours for the taking.” River whispers and Jamie knows what he’s saying what he’s actually offering. He turns his head away squeezes his eyes shut holding the fresh set of tears begging for release at bay. He takes a heavy shaky breath. He knows he should acknowledge what he's saying but he can’t bring himself to. Instead he shifts the topic, while his insides get torn apart.

But he wants to give River something in return. He decides he wants to share his own piece of vulnerability.

He turns back to him. “I’m devastated by what the state of Montana has done with these new anti-wolf laws. That’s why I broke down earlier. It’s been weighing heavy on my mind I just keep reading article after article and it breaks me what people are going through in light of this and what we will excuse in light of this and I just feel so wrecked and so hopeless.”

“Oh sweetheart.” River says pulling him into a warm embrace his face resting in Jamie's hair. “I get it we face so much injustice in the world and you start to crave compassion. Some days iiitt— oh jeez ooo—oone mmmmoment—" 

Hhh'TtStch...SssTch..Hhheh'SssTch..Hh'Hh'Hheh'SssTChuu...Hhh'SssTch

"Sorry sheesh. Anyways, what I was trying to say is that some days it feels like that is so much scarcer than hatred.”

“Yeah, so I’ve been trying to think of a way that we can show our support.” Jamie hands River one of the pieces of paper he had printed. On it is the outline of a heart with a paw-print not in the center but overlaying one side of the heart.

“I thought that we could make buttons that we wear on our uniforms as a sign of Mahihikan’s allyship and support of wolf rights. I also thought that maybe we could even make some that we offer for guests to buy at the front desk for five dollars and donate all the proceeds to a wolf rights chapters or campaigns in Montana specifically. I ordered the button maker earlier this week and it just arrived today. It’s not nearly adequate but I just I had to do something.”  

“Jam, this is a beautiful idea. Maybe it’s not overturning these unjust and infuriating laws but that doesn’t mean it isn’t something. It shows our support, it demonstrates that there is still compassion in a world that sometimes feels like there is none, it will give people hope and make them feel like they aren't alone, in times like this that is sometimes the biggest thing we can give to people. It will also support organizations that are working to ensure that there is social justice. That's hugely impactful.”

“When the printer wasn’t working I disproportionally over-reacted because it felt like one more obstacle standing in the way of social justice. I know that’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid sweetheart. It’s not stupid at all. You’ve been carrying a lot, the printer was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It happens to the best of us. Did you design this?” Jamie points to the graphic.

Jamie nods, self-conscious, River’s the artist after-all. “It’s just a rough draft, you could probably come up with something better.”

“No this is perfect. Simple, elegant, and I think the fact that you’ve chosen to put the paw in the outline of the heart instead of in the center is very profound and symbolic. It really hits me.”

“Thank you.” Jamie knows he’s turning redder but he’s inwardly pleased with the compliment.

“You’re really amazing you know that?”

Jamie ducks his head hiding his flushed cheeks and tiny smile gracing his lips.

Then River makes an amused snorting sound.  

Jamie’s eyes flick towards River’s. “What?”

“Nothing, I was just thinking how asinine it is that I ever thought you were a homophobe.”

Jamie chuckles. “Like I've said you weren't without reason. Besides, it's not the worst thing someone has assumed about me I’m sure. Anyways I was planning on making some buttons tonight to show to Mel tomorrow. Would you maybe want to make some with me and be with me when I propose the idea with her?”

“I’d love to. Jam, your trust is a gift is well. Thank you and thanks for involving me.”  

***  

Mel was fully in support of the buttons and even asked them to make more that she could take into town and give to some business owners she knew would be supportive. Jamie felt a proud sense of belonging when he watched everyone they went to immediately pin the buttons to their clothes. He hadn't thought it was enough but just seeing the people he was surrounded by on a daily basis being supportive to the cause it felt incredibly meaningful. Maybe River was right, what people, what wolves really needed right now was hope, compassion, and the knowledge that people were on their side. 

It was afternoon and Jamie had completed all the conference set-ups for the day and things had been slow maintenance wise so he came into the lodge to begin working on more buttons when he heard a familiar voice talking to River. He came out to the front desk.

“Tyler? What are you doing here?” Jamie asked bemused.

A grin spreads across the face of the man. “Well, look what the cat dragged in.”

Jamie lets out a snort of amusement. “No need to look like the cat that got the cream.” He quips.

The other man's smile grows.

“So you gonna let the cat out of the bag and explain why you’re here?”

The smile grows broader and turns into a full bellied laugh. “Well baby bro, when you ignore calls and texts that kind of starts to worry a guy, as well as mom and dad. So this is what you get.”

“Wait, this is your brother?” River interjects.

“Yeah, River meet my overprotective meddling brother, Tyler.”

“Uhh hi.” River says a little questioningly.

Tyler bellows “Hi River. I see you are acquainted with my stubbornly independent baby bro.”

River side eyes Jamie unsure if this is classic brotherly love banter or contentious brotherly banter, but Jamie responds with a laugh. “It’s good to see you Ty.”

“You too Pudge.” Tyler flicks his eyes to River and Jamie knows what he’s trying to say, he has serious business to talk about that would likely be better discussed privately.

“I’m still on the clock” Jamie explains “But I’m all caught up let me take you to our house to talk but if something comes in I’ll have to attend to it.”

“That’s fine, I just want to catch up with my baby bro.”

As they get outside Jamie says with a smirk. “Thanks for being discreet back there and not putting the cat among the pigeons.”

It was a private joke between him, when they had been younger their Aunt had exclaimed “Well, well, well look what the cat dragged in” when they had come inside covered in mud twenty minutes late for dinner. They had both given each other a confused look before Ty had spoken up and said all matter of fact

“Auntie Annie we’re wolves, we’re not being dragged by any cats.”  

Their Aunt explained that it was an expression and what it meant. After that Ty and Jamie had become fascinated and greatly amused with the irony of using expressions that pertained to cats and made it game to see how many cat idioms they could use around each other. When they were younger and didn’t really comprehend the use of idioms they used the phrases they did know in circumstances where it made no sense and even made up some of their own.

Tyler laughs shaking his head. “You always were better at that game.”

“Let’s go to my room.” Jamie says as they enter the house trying to contain the allergens from the presence of two wolves, one he knows frequently shifts, to his room rather than in the shared space to hopefully minimize any adverse effect on River.

Tyler plops on his bed. “So how are you, really?”

Jamie sighs peeling his hands down his face, his brother was the only person he couldn’t put up a front with, well him and River, though with River he couldn’t be as forthright given the big fat secret of his identity between them. “I’m not great to be honest.”

Tyler nods not saying anything knowing he needs to give Jamie to the time to expound.

“I’m more lucky than most, this is a safe space, the owner is wonderful, did you know that Mahihkan actually means wolf in Cree, one of the local native tribes in the area. It’s just everything else. The assault on the wolf’s rights across the state and the precedent this sets for other states to the same, it’s—it makes me feel so helpless Ty to see this happening.”

“It’s all so much, I’m not even sure I can put it all into words. There’s despair, and grief, and anger but also guilt, I feel like I’m not doing enough or contributing enough, but then there’s also stone cold fear. I’m scared what will happen if I ever am outed, not so much for myself but to everyone here. These people are as close to my own pack as I’ve ever come. I finally have a place where I fit in, where I feel like I belong, I have friends Ty, you know how hard it is for me to establish that with people, and I just can’t bear the thought that my being here, my existence puts all these people at risk.”

Tyler nods. “You’ve always been so selfless Pudge even at cost to your own self-preservation and happiness. You feel so much, you have so much compassion and empathy. It’s why we’ve been so worried about you.”

“I know, I know I should have called. I didn’t mean to worry any of you. I just I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I think I’m still processing all the implications myself.”

It’s Tyler’s turn to sigh. “You’ve always internalized your emotions. Not wanting to burden other people, thinking you have to be the strong one. You’re always the first to act and be there when someone else is suffering but you’ve always let yourself suffer in silence and in solitude, another reason why we’ve been worried about you. This isn’t a burden you have to carry alone, I’m here for you, mom and dad are here for you, and I’m sure there are people here that would be here for you if you asked.”

Jamie nods.

“But I also know you’ll never ask.”

Jamie chuckles.

“Which is why I’m going to stay up here for a little while.”

“Well I’m actually going to be taking a couple weeks off with River in just over a week.”

“Okay, so I’ll stay up here until then.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll—“

“I know I don’t have to, I want to and you’re not sending me away so easily.”

Jamie sighs, he knows he isn’t and more than part of him is grateful. He and his brother have always been close and he isn’t above admitting that having someone to talk to, really talk to, is desirable right now. “Okay, but you’re not staying here. With your big head there won’t be enough room to swing a cat.”

Tyler gives a hearty laugh. “Good one. I’ve really missed you Pudge.” He says pulling Jamie into a bear hug.

“I’ve missed you too Ty. Sorry I haven’t been in touch as often as I probably should.”

Tyler laughs. “I’ve known you for practically 35 years, I know how you are. I know it’s harder for you to initiate contact. If I want to hear from you I know I can’t be sitting around waiting for you to reach out to me, I have to reach out. I dropped the ball recently. But now you know when we don’t talk enough I’ll show up on your doorstep.”

Jamie chuckles. “I’ll see if I can set you up in one of the guest cabins for the week.”

Ty smiles giving Jamie a noogie. “I know you’d see reason.”

Jamie grapples out of his brother’s headlock pinning him to the bed with a playful growl. After months of restraining the impulses of the wolf it feels so nice to engage in pack play.

Tyler not so subtly smells him. “You smell different.”

Jamie flushes “I ummm, well I haven’t been shifting.”

“What!? Why? How long?”

“Since July. River is very allergic to dogs. When I found out, since I live with him I stopped shifting to minimize his allergy attacks. It actually seems to have helped though not completely. But that’s why I can’t have you staying here, otherwise, I would just set you up with us for the week.”

Tyler bursts out laughing. “God Pudge, this would only happen to you.”

You don’t know the half of it. Jamie thinks. Then Tyler sniffs him again.

“It makes sense why you smell so muted but it’s more than that. I don’t know your scent is different somehow.”

Jamie shrugs. “It is mating season.”

Tyler snorts. “Pudge, I’ve spent plenty of mating seasons with you, I know what you smell like in mating season, and it’s not this.”

Jamie shrugs again growing a little uncomfortable with the talk of his scent. “I don’t know, besides you know it’s rude to comment on how people smell.” He checks his phone. “It’s almost 5 the front desk will be closing soon let’s see if we can get you set up with a cabin.”

Since they were moving into off season River was easily able to book Tyler a cabin for the week.

“So you’re living with my brother yeah?” Tyler asks River as he’s setting up the booking.

“Yes.”

“Great! Why don’t we all do dinner together?”

“Ty, River probably doesn’t want—“

River interjects. “I’d be happy to come along. On one condition.” He looks at Tyler conspiratorially. “You give up stories of what this one was like growing up.” River points his thumb in Jamie’s direction giving a mischievous smile.

Tyler laughs. “Oh I would have done that regardless. It's my honorary right as his brother."

Jamie glowers at both of them. “Why do I feel like you're ganging up on me. I get it from my brother, but really you too?”

River just laughs squeezing Jamie’s hand. “Awww, don’t worry sweetheart, you know you’ll always be my favorite no matter what he tells me. This will just offer valuable insight.”

Jamie flushes only half-way glancing at his brother knowing he won’t have missed the use of the affectionate pet-name River has for him and that he’ll be curious to know more. That is definitely something he’s not prepared to talk about.

Despite Jamie’s protests they decide to take their food back to the cabin in to-go boxes.

Jamie and River sit together on the couch and bring out a kitchen chair to the living room for Tyler.

Much to Jamie’s mortification Tyler is in fact recanting tales of Jamie’s formative years. “—So we were celebrating Pudge’s fourth birthday. He was going through a phase where he was obsessed with naming everything. When we cut him a slice from his birthday cake he even named that Cakey.”

Jamie mumbles “I can’t believe you’re telling this story. It’s so stupid.”

“It’s enchanting. You sound so cute.” River says squeezing Jamie’s leg.

“Anyways” Tyler continues ignoring Jamie’s bemoaning “After he blew out the candles and was told he could eat the cake he was so horrified. He had grown so attached and started crying saying he couldn’t eat Cakey that Cakey was his friend and it isn’t nice to bite or eat our friends.”

Jamie lets out a groan of embarrassment while River goes “Aww.” He gives Jamie’s leg another gentle squeeze.

“Our parents explained that he was right we don’t bite or eat our friends but that Cakey was a special kind of friend that was made to be eaten and that Jamie would be hurting Cakey’s feelings if he didn’t eat him. Finally Jamie agreed but the whole time he was in tears apologizing to Cakey. He also refused to chew, instead he let the cake slowly melt in his mouth. He told us all that he didn’t want to hurt Cakey’s feelings but also didn’t want to hurt him so he was using his love spit to make it easier to swallow and that Cakey could go down whole, unhurt and loved.”

River is in hysterics. “Oh my god! That is so adorable such a kid thing to do but it’s also so classically Jamie.”

“It really is, he’s always been a bleeding heart. He once cried because he accidentally stepped on a Lego. But here’s the thing—“Tyler leans towards River, River responds leaning forward too “He wasn’t crying because he was injured, he was crying because he was worried he had hurt the Lego.”

River laughs again before abruptly turning away pulling up his shirt collar just in time.

HnnG’Txxxt..hGXch..XxCh..NgttX

Tyler looks to Jamie and surreptitiously mouths “Was that me?”

Jamie nods mouthing back “Probably.”

Tyler looks sheepish and sits back moving his chair further away from the couch.

“Bless you” Jamie and Tyler say in unison when River turns back to the conversation.

“Thanks, sorry.” He says the sweet pink of embarrassment over his sneezes dusting his cheeks.

“Well that’s not all” Tyler continues “Jamie felt even worse when I got in trouble for not putting the Lego’s away like I’d been told so he helped me pick them up apologizing the whole time that he got me in trouble, even though it was my own fault, and I should have been apologizing to him but that’s Pudge, always taking responsibility for the actions of others.” Tyler says pointedly.

“That tracks.” River says settling back on the couch, leaning against Jamie.

“Don’t ever change Jam.” River whispers into Jamie’s ear. “Your compassion and kind heartedness is one of the things I love most about you.”

Jamie makes a tiny meep like noise completely at the mercy of his body’s instantaneous reaction to River’s closeness and touch, he trembles and feels his face grow hot, he grips the arm of the chair in restraint, his breath is coming out low and shallow as he attempts to temper the desires swirling around in his brain, he’s certain that Tyler can smell how he’s reacting to River. He carefully looks up to see his brother studying him and River critically. His face is rather passive all things considered but he catches his nostrils flare as he scents the air. Yep, this definitely didn’t slip past his notice. Jamie knew it was useless to think it would. Damn wolves and their enhanced sense of smell.  

Under normal circumstances the mortification of becoming obviously aroused in front of his brother would instantly kill the mood but as he is entering mating season his brain is a bit more singularly focused and hasn’t quite gotten the memo yet. He quickly averts his attention to the floor. Guess he’ll be having this conversation with his brother later anyways. Oh joy!

A moment later his attention is pulled to River when he says through hitching breathes.

“Gggonn—gonna snee-zzze—“ He quickly turns his head.

HnnG’Txxxt..hGXch..XxTCh..NgttX

“Bless.” Jamie says quietly.

River smiles softly laying his head against Jamie’s shoulder. Jamie unconsciously threads his fingers through River’s curls. River sighs softly.

Tyler clears his throat. “So River, what can you share with me about Jamie here?”

“Hmmm well—“ River begins.

“Ugh, I disown both of you.” Jamie says. “Are you not done embarrassing me yet?”

“Jam it’s not meant to embarrass you, these are sweet stories and the people closest to you will be endeared by them. Oh I have a good one! I’m not sure Jamie has quite outgrown his tendency to feel sorry for inanimate objects. He ran into the door the other day and apologized to it.”

Jamie’s cheeks flood with heat. He knows exactly the instance River is talking about. What he probably doesn’t realize is he’s the reason for it. One of the conferences had requested fresh made smoothies for refreshments during the meeting. There had been a couple extra at the conclusion of the meeting. Not wanting them to go to waste Jamie asked if River wanted one.

Jamie couldn’t tear his eyes off him as he drank the smoothie. His mind went to salacious places watching River’s lips wrap around and suck on the straw, the way his cheeks caved inward with each long pull. He practically lost it when he watched River take the straw out of the cup when he finished the smoothie, licking the bottom of the straw, lapping up all remaining liquid. It was so obscene, so hazardous to the general public it should be illegal Jamie had thought. In his haste to escape along with his lust addled brain he ran into the entryway of the door. He had been so flustered that he had apologized. 

“Hey that was umm—well that was a different circumstance. I wasn’t actually apologizing to the door. It just came out, out of habit.”

“Oh, Pudge.” Tyler says on a chuckle.

“Is there special meaning behind why you call him that?” River asks.

“Oh, well when Jamie was born he had these adorably round bright pink pudgy cheeks that everyone always commented on. I latched onto it and started calling him pudge. It stuck even as we got older.

“I actually carried those baby cheeks well into my early twenties.” Jamie says. “Having Ty use it as an endearment instead of an insult I think helped me from developing a complex over it.” Jamie adds. "By the time I finally did outgrow them it was too set in stone to ever try to get him to stop calling me that. I also didn't ever really want to."

Ty gives Jamie a warm smile. “I’m the only one that ever gets away with calling him that though.”

“It’s true.” Jamie says with a chuckle. “Not even mom and dad were allowed."  

“That’s really sweet. I have a similar story with me sister. Her name is Coco. I call her Coco Bean or usually just Bean. She won’t let anyone but me ccc—ccall hheer tthh—tthat.”

River manages to get out before turning into Jamie’s neck muffling three quick sneezes.

Mmm’PppTchh…Mmmm’ch…Mmm’PpTch.

The warm intimate heat Jamie feels whenever River sneezes into him like that flares in his gut. “Bless you.” Jamie whispers.

River gives a small sniffle gently rubbing the tip of is nose on Jamie’s neck as if to quell any lingering itch.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Jamie grits his teeth digging his nails into the arm of the couch. He is almost certainly going to lose it right here in front of his brother as witness.   

Thank goodness Tyler saves him from that mortification. “Well I think it’s time for me to check out my new digs. It was very nice to meet you River. I’m glad that my brother has a friend like you here.”

“I think I’m the lucky one.” River says tilting his head so he can look at Jamie giving him a half, but sincere smile. “There is no one like Jam.”

“Well I’m probably a bit biased, but I’m definitely not going to argue that.” Ty turns to Jamie. “Well baby bro—“

“Yeah umm let me get my stuff and I’ll come with you.”

As Jamie’s putting on his shoes River comes up to him.

“Will you be back or are you going to stay with your brother tonight?” He asks handing Jamie his jacket.

“I’ll probably be back but don’t wait up for me.”

“Okay.” River lingers running his fingers along the collar of Jamie’s jacket his face tilted to look at Jamie. There’s a moment where Jamie thinks he might kiss him but he just gives the coat lapel one more pet before stepping aside. “I’ll leave the living room lamp on for you.”

“Thanks.” 

It isn’t until he’s half-way to the guest cabin that he realizes how domestic that interaction was. Really how domestic the whole evening was.  

After they get to Tyler’s guest cabin he says “So, turns out we’re not nearly talking enough. Spill.”

Jamie sighs.

“You and River.” Ty expands. “That’s why you smell different, how could you get mated and not tell us? You know we wouldn’t care about you being with a guy.”

“Whoa, I’m not—we’re not mated, it’s not like that.”

“Really? Because the nose doesn’t lie Pudge, and yikes, I gotta say I’ve never smelled this on you before. I didn’t make the connection until I really saw you with River.”

Jamie groans placing his face in his palms. “We’re not mated. But ummm—I may have umm—spontaneously bonded with him.”

Tyler’s expression is one of shock. After a few minutes of silence Jamie jokes “What cat got your tongue?”

“HaHa. But seriously, a spontaneous bond Jamie, really, that’s supposed to be a folk tale? Are you sure?” 

“I know it’s unbelievable, I wouldn’t have believed it myself if I didn’t experience an excruciating few weeks of bond rejection after we had a little bit of a misunderstanding over my status as a homophobe and he starting ignoring me.”

“You, a homophobe? Really.” Tyler laughs.

“Yeah, Riv laughs about it now too but in his defense we were still relatively new friends, and there was a series of coincidental events that in anyone’s position probably would have looked that way.”

“Okay, well wow! Just wow. A spontaneous bond and with a human. That—that’s something for the storybooks.”

“Tell me about it.”

“So what about now? You obviously worked through the misunderstanding and I mean he’s a total smitten kitten, you know that right?”

“Smitten kitten, really? You were just dying to use that weren’t you” Jamie chuckles.

“Gotta get my points where I can especially when I have you to contend with.” After a pause when Jamie doesn’t respond “That wasn’t a rhetorical question.”

“Umm—yeah it took me a while to figure it out and some nudging to see it, but yes.”

“Of course it did.” Tyler says fondly. “You wouldn’t recognize that someone liked you until they were stripped naked on top of you and even then you’d probably try to see an alternative reality.”

“I’m not that bad.” Jamie protests.

“Senior year, Sally Beaumont.”

Jamie turns red with a great deal of reluctance he says “I concede to your point.”

“The point is he’s into you and you’re clearly into him. So why—“

“Gee, Ty I don’t know maybe it’s because he’s literally allergic to me. Maybe it’s because him knowing who I am would put him in danger and being with me would put him in even more danger, and oh let’s not forget that now it’s fucking illegal!”

“Oh Pudge, but a spontaneous bond, this is like true love, soul mate level shit, you—you’re not going to let something so trivial get in the way?”

“Trivial right. Nothing more trivial than someone’s life.”

“That’s not what I mean. Granted there are obstacles, but every relationship faces obstacles, that doesn’t mean they should keep you from being with each other. It means that you face them together.”

“Most obstacles couples face aren’t likely to get them imprisoned or killed.”

“True, that isn’t ideal, but it doesn’t have to be the stop gate. There are alternative options. For one, have you thought that River might be better protected if he knows? Forewarned is forearmed and all that right? Give him the information and let him make the decision for himself if it’s worth the risk.

“I can’t deal with confessing that to him right now, not with the newly implemented laws. I just, maybe with some time, when things have settled but it’s too new, too fresh, we have no idea what new level of dangers it’s going to put him in. You know that a human partner to a wolf was brutally murdered weeks before any of these laws were implemented. What do you think is going to happen now when these bills makes it legal to kill people in the name of upholding the law? I just I can’t risk that. I’m happy with what we have, it’s better than having him imprisoned or worse dead. Please don’t go trying to pull any matchmaking shit while you’re here.”

“Fine. Fine. I won’t but, I know you, I know you’ll deny yourself the chance to be happy to protect the people you love. Hell, we spent all dinner talking about it. I don’t know him like you do, but I’m telling you if you give him the information if you lay it out there he will decide that you’re worth the risk, and some part of you has to know that. You know that he would choose you.”

“Don’t you get it? He can’t choose me, he can’t risk his own safety to be with me. I’m not—I’m not worth that.”

“I know you think that Pudge, and it breaks my heart. There couldn’t be anyone more worthy of unconditional endless love. Please don’t let them win. Please don’t let the stupid bigots and discriminatory assholes running this country take away your right, your privileges. Don’t roll over and expose your belly like some pup.”

“Do you really think that’s what I’m doing?” He asks his tone guttural and warningly low aggravated with the comparison.

“I think your allowing your misguided need to protect everyone, most of all the people you love, to blind you. I’ve never known you to accept the implementation of anti-wolf laws or codes. You’re the first one out there fighting against this stupid bull shit when it happens. So why not fight back here? Why not push back and defy the laws. This country has been passing discriminatory laws since its inception. It’s only through wide-spread protest and action that they get over-turned.”

“I don’t accept what’s happened. I don’t support the laws but I’m also not going to turn it into a personal crusade or use my personal attraction of a human to showcase why bianimilia relationships shouldn’t be illegal. Because guess what Ty, people also die in protest and I’m not belling that cat.”

“Expert cat drop right there” Tyler commends.

Jamie smiles but it’s not a full smile. “I’m just not willing to let River be one of those people that does in the effort to affect change. So I’m doing what I can to fight while keeping River safe. It’s better this way.”

Tyler sighs. “Look, I know you think you’re doing the best thing for him, I know you think you’re protecting him but all I think you’re really doing is hurting each other. Maybe you truly are happy with things the way you are between you two. Which if that’s so you’re lying to yourself. I know what I saw tonight. God Pudge, your entire body screams for him, that’s what a romantic bond is, that's not a force that you can deny.”

“I—“

“But let’s pretend that you really are happy in having things by halves, thirds, quarters with River. But let me ask you what if River isn’t? Be honest with me, are you really satisfied with what you’re giving yourself?”

Jamie can’t look Tyler in his eye, damn him for knowing him so well. “No, it’s not enough. I want River so bad I feel like it’s killing me.”

“You think he doesn’t feel the same? You’re both taking what you can get because it feels better than nothing but that can only sustain the two of you for so long. Your actions while honorable are based on clouded judgment. River is completely head over heels for you, and you’re obviously in the same boat if you’re spontaneously bonded to him, he deserves to know what you are and that you love him.  You’ve cornered yourself into thinking there’s only one option here and there doesn’t have to be. There’s more than one way to skin a cat after-all.”

Jamie smiles. “Way to slip that one in.”

“Thanks I was quite proud of it myself. Just consider it will you, please?”

“Fine, I will, but I’m not guaranteeing that I’m changing my mind.”

“As long as you contemplate alternative options. And Pudge?”

“Yeah?”

“No matter what you decide you know I’m here for you and I’ll support you right? You’re not alone in this. In any of it, just because we’re not in the same primary pack anymore doesn’t mean you stop being my baby brother. I’ll always be there for you.”

“I know, Ty. Thanks, and thanks for coming here. I'm really grateful to have you.”

"Love you baby bro." 

"Love you too."

~TBC~

Additional A/N: 

Chapter title comes from the song "Parasol" by Tori Amos

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by Not Telling
Reformatting, changed chapter number, numbers got misaligned. (Had multiple chapters with the same number.)

[thesneezyowl]

I knew there’d be a voice of reason. I just knew it!!!! This chapter was the cat’s meow!!! 🐈‍⬛ 🐈 

[funbusej]

YES!!  I was wondering if there was going to be some pushback.  Nothing ever changes if people don't fight it.  And Jamie's brother is so right.  He needs to stop letting the cat have his tongue and have a serious talk with River!  Communication solves (almost) everything.  Ahhh, it was so nice to have fuzzy, happy times...

[dwaekki]

The 'sweethearts' are KILLING meee! How much sweeter do these 2 get?! Also sneezing against Jamie infront of his brother was a bold move by River but I loved it haha. I hope Jamie can see River's side of the story and confess soon because I can't wait! The laws and Jamie's selflessness are breaking my heart 😥. 

I can't wait to read more and thank you for always managing to put so many sneezes in despite the busy plot haha, can't wait to read more, and maybe a few from Jamie? I'd love to see River's reaction to him sneezing for once lol but whatever you write, I know I'm going to love it 😊

[solitaire-au]

6 hours ago, dwaekki said:

The 'sweethearts' are KILLING meee! How much sweeter do these 2 get?! Also sneezing against Jamie infront of his brother was a bold move by River but I loved it haha. I hope Jamie can see River's side of the story and confess soon because I can't wait! The laws and Jamie's selflessness are breaking my heart 😥. 
 

You and me both!

6 hours ago, dwaekki said:

I can't wait to read more and thank you for always managing to put so many sneezes in despite the busy plot haha, can't wait to read more, and maybe a few from Jamie? I'd love to see River's reaction to him sneezing for once lol but whatever you write, I know I'm going to love it 😊

I’d love to see River taking care of Jamie, too! ❤️ Maybe if he caught a cold before or during their camping trip? 🥰

[2SHY222]

Tyler came at the perfect time. I was wondering when someone was gonna get through Jamie's thick noggin and talk sense into him. Also I agree that River deserves to know the truth and make his own decision. I just hope it doesn't backfire...although part of me thinks he might know already but is respectful enough not to out his Sweetheart. I am super excited for the next part.

[Privatedancer]

This update gave me all the feels. So glad big bro has joined forces to help break down Jamie’s walls and remind him that he is worthy of love and risk and protecting others from their right to make their own decisions might not be the best route:)

[Not Telling]

@thesneezyowl @funbusej Great use of a cat idioms!  It's funny how a story evolves over time. I hadn't originally planned to have Ty make an appearance but there's a lot that has happened that wasn't in my original thought process, and it seemed appropriate and yes Jamie needed someone that knows about his identity that he could be fully transparent with about how all the goings on were affecting him and offer him both much needed comfort and an outside perspective-he's too close to the situation and his emotions are too clouded when it comes to River to be fully rational. 

@dwaekki Haha it probably was a bold move but I thought it was a nice illustration of how close and comfortable that River and Jamie are with each other, and that maybe even sometimes they get so caught up in their own little bubble that they forget about the surrounding world and other present company, tuned in to only each other.

@solitaire-au @dwaekki I hear your requests and am mulling it over in my brain.....

@2SHY222 Haha Jamie has been a bit singular minded hasn't he? He means well and he has River's best intentions in mind, but making decisions about someone else's well being and removing their ability to choose doesn't usually end very swimmingly. But you're right there is enough mutual respect, understanding, and compassion there that if River does know he wouldn't ever out Jamie and let him come to him on his own terms without inflicting any pressure on him or guilt tripping him into saying anything.

@Privatedancer This chapter was a total bonus but it wound up being necessary and I think will actually serve really well in upcoming chapters. Jamie really needed someone he could lean on and while he certainly has River to lean on, (and we saw him taking advantage of that in this chapter as well) it isn't in the same way that Ty can since there is the whole identity knowledge gap. 

____________________________________________

Hello everyone. I'm back! And after writing a like a fiend for the past day and a half am ready to post the next chapter. Hope everyone is well and enjoying the first few days of September. 

Onto the next chapter. 

I know so many of you were hoping for Jamie to have more sneezes and I really tried to think of ways that I could incorporate it into this update while staying true to the plot I have planned and nothing quite fit. I did insert a little surprise though.  And I haven't entirely written off more Jamie sneezes I'm still considering ways to insert more into the story. 

Speaking of sneezing, fair warning, this chapter is a bit lacking overall in that regard, but that definitely won't remain the case. 

Thank you all so much for your continued positive and engaging comments. ❤️ Please enjoy this next chapter. 

___________________________________________

Chapter 11: 'Cause you were all I ever longed for

Jamie keeps his promise and considers Ty's advice about his situation with River. He thinks about it when all three of them get dinner together every night the rest of his stay. He thinks about it when they’re all sitting in the living room swapping stories like a montage out of a perfect apple pie life, he thinks about it when he sees how well Ty and River get along and how much it’s a picture of everything that he didn’t know he wanted. He thinks about it all the way up until they leave for their backpacking trip.

But every time he starts to imagine that life he thinks of the couple, the one where the human partner was killed and the wolf that is now without his mate. He thinks that couple probably had hopes and dreams as well and it was taken away from them.

He thinks about the interplay of the illegality now and he just can’t get passed it. He can’t get passed how selfish it would be to put River in that position no matter how much both of them want it but as they had out for their 12 day trek into Glacier National Park he seriously questions his resolve.

Even though they live and work together Jamie is able to maintain some kind of distance when he feels his self control slipping. He has long stretches of day while he’s working that he doesn’t even see River, and at home he has his own room, his own bed, his own space. Out in the wilderness opportunity for distance and space isn't going to be readily available. He’s going to be with River 24/7 for almost two weeks in solitude, in the wilderness during wolf mating season- a setting and company that is sure to instill Jamie’s more primal instincts.

If the few hours in the car they have together is anything to go by, this is going to be more difficult than Jamie ever could have anticipated. River's scent and presence consumes Jamie. It's potent, inebriating. More dizzying and inhibiting lowering than any drink Jamie's ever consumed. Jamie internally groans, what has he gotten himself into other than some unique form of torture.   

They’re not even a kilometer into their hike when River lobs a snowball at Jamie hitting him square in the back of the head. Jamie shakes his head of the loose snow turning to see River giggling, his cheeks rosy from both the cold and his laughter. And the sight nearly arrests Jamie’s heart. River is so vibrant and beautiful.

His wolf instantly grows excited by the free and playful interaction. Yep, already Jamie isn’t listening to his sense of control. He balls up some snow retaliating hitting River in chest. River looks at Jamie in mock shock before preparing another even larger snowball.

Now they’ve both taken cover in a grove of trees on opposite ends of the trail firing snowballs at each other.

“Do you surrender?” River taunts.

“Never. You don’t know who you’re up against.” Jamie responds.

“I believe, sir it is you who don’t know.”

While River continues to shoot the shit Jamie uses the opportunity to use his wolf stealth to sneak from his hiding place to approach River from behind and pounce on him.

River gives a surprised squeal as he falls into the ground.  

Jamie smirks triumphantly before a tickle burns in his nose, he has but a moment to abruptly turn his head to the side before—

Hheh'...Heeh'Ssschiew…Hah'schew…Haah'SchChew

“Bless you” River says his tone sweet but also a little curious. “Isn’t that usually my job?” He jokes.

Jamie’s cheeks darken. Ordinarily that was the case, these were play sneezes, a wolf oddity, meant to communicate excitement and that his behavior was strictly playful and not threatening. That type of sneeze is usually only exhibited when Jamie is in his wolf form and not as a human. It’s probably being exhibited in his human form now from a combination of how long it’s been since Jamie’s shifted and a result of the time of year for a wolf.

“Sorry” he says unable to come up with anything else to say gently rolling off River and standing up, offering his hand to pull River up.

River accepts “No apology necessary, as we know it happens.” He says with a wry smile placing a palm against Jamie’s forehead “You’re okay though? You’re not getting sick because we can change our plans, we don’t have to backpack, I mean I’d like to, obviously, but if you’re not feeling up to it, really I just wanted to spend time with you and get away with you, it doesn’t matter what we’re doing just as long as I get to be with you.”

It was impossible to fight the warm happy feeling that settles in Jamie but with it accompanied a guilty remorse. All the openness and truths River had given Jamie, continued to give him, and what had Jamie given River in return?

While probably obvious, he hadn’t even been as forthcoming about his feelings towards River, how deep they ran, and how far they extended from friendship. Jamie wanted to believe that River knew, but then again he hadn’t exactly given him much of an indication to think so. He had shared that he struggled with understanding social boundaries and that a lot of his actions were driven based on his interactions and dynamic with his brother, which River has now been privy to. It was entirely possible, maybe even likely that River accepted how Jamie was with him as his own brand of displaying friendship and nothing more.

Then there was the huge elephant that River didn’t even know who Jamie was, not completely. Jamie was still resolute that he couldn’t tell him that but he could give at least offer him more of his feelings. Reveal to River more what was in his heart.

“I feel the same Riv, I’ll follow you everywhere, anywhere. You’re my home, wherever you are is where I want to be.”

River looks at him mouth agape a little stunned before emitting a strangled noise and engulfing Jamie in a big squeezing hug. Jamie kisses the top of his head glad he offered up the confession. It wasn't everything he felt, not even close, but it was a start in being at least a little more verbally open with River. People always say actions speak louder than words but without the words to accompany the actions maybe they get misconstrued. Words alone aren't enough, but sometimes actions alone aren't either. River couldn't fully comprehend the full magnitude of Jamie's actions, everything they reflected if he kept his feelings silent. Perhaps sharing how he felt without sharing his true identity was worse but he found he just couldn't anymore. River needed to know that he wasn't just anyone, that the way Jamie was with River wasn't typical for him, and more Jamie wanted him to know. 

River asks when he seemingly reluctantly pulls out of the hug. “But you’re really okay to keep going?”

Jamie nods. “I’m fine, I’m not sick. Let’s get going, bet I can get to that tree before you.” He says pointing to a distinctive tree about 50 meters away.

“You’re on!”

***

They make good mileage the first day getting close to 20km. They head into their tents soon after the sundown. The temperature dropping quickly to the teens. Jamie, exhausted from the day, finds sleep pretty quickly. He isn’t sure how much later but he awakes to the sound of his tent zipper.

“Jam?” He hears.

“Mmm, yeah.” He says drowsily not quite torn from the sleep haze.

“It’s so cold, I just I can’t get warm, can I share with you?”

Being a backpacking tent, designed to be packed compactly it’s quite small and had Jamie been in a fully conscious state of mind he might have thought twice about the numerous consequences of being in such close quarters with River before acquiescing. As it is, he gives a garbled “Mmm-hmm” and slides over to give River room to squeeze into the space.

“Thanks” River whispers sliding into the tent with his sleeping bag.

Jamie immediately falls back asleep almost forgetting the interaction until the morning when he wakes up feeling River’s body wedged right up against him, his soft steady breathes against his back. Jamie’s mostly kicked himself out his sleeping bag, leaving only the bottom half of his legs covered.

River stirs next to him. “You’re like a personal furnace, feels so nice.” He murmurs his lips feather soft across Jamie’s exposed skin.

Jamie turns his head to see River’s still sleepy dazed green eyes looking at him. River smiles a little dreamily letting out a low whimper rolling over on his back tilting his head back so his neck is exposed, presenting it at Jamie. The sight produces a shock wave that propagates through Jamie, causing his whole body to tremble in response. How does River even know to do that?  Even at the best of times, a wolf would be helpless to ignore such a display of submission, but for Jamie, during mating season, with his hormones all out of balance, having the action come from River, it’s impossible for him to resist.

In a swift motion he kicks himself the rest of the way out of his sleeping bag and unzips and peels back River’s and rolls over so his body is covering River’s.

River’s shocked gasp turns into a sound of arousal. His eucalyptus, woody, citrusy scent turning intensely spicy and musky like the forest floor after a rain fall, the vanilla notes sweetening. It’s so unendurably enticing.

“Jam” River says his name a plea, a moan, and a promise all wrapped into one and Jamie’s resistance crumbles.

“Mine.” He growls before giving into the inexorable desire and crashing his lips to River’s. The touch is a hot knife through Jamie’s core and he gasps at the sweet shock of it. It feels so dizzingly good. Desire bursting forth in a crescendo of searing ecstasy.

“Mmm, Jam, wanted this, want you.” River says into Jamie’s mouth tilting his head back opening his mouth for Jamie and Jamie responds deepening the kiss his tongue tangling with River’s hot and demanding. It replaces the blood flow in Jamie’s veins with pure liquid lust. River moans, pressing his pelvis up into Jamie, allowing him to feel just how much River wants him. Any remaining coherent thought falls away, all Jamie can think about is closing every inch of distance between him and River, molding them into one.

River is making little greedy whimpers of pleasure as they continue to devour each other’s lips. His hands trail up the underside of Jamie’s shirt tracking the length of his spine. River’s skin is so smooth and soft against Jamie’s bare skin. River’s scent is everywhere, it fills Jamie’s nose and mouth and surrounds him like a hug.

Jamie slows the kiss turning it from frenzied urgent passion to a simmering tenderness and it turns his insides to water, he’s dissolving into River, his bones feel like they’re melting.

Everything else around him turning to a fuzzy static. He’s weightless, floating above the earth sensations whipping around him-desire, need, and heat. Jamie wants to lick River all over his neck and ears, and shoulders and thighs. He wants to continue to be broken down with these devastating kisses. He wants whatever River will give him, whatever he’ll show him. Like right now he’s showing him how to kiss the guy that you can’t stop thinking about, that you’d do anything for.

“Riv” Jamie moans. It feels like he’s been moaning for days, maybe he's been moaning since the moment his lips touched River's. River makes a sound of his own, their noises synchronizing in perfect harmony until—

Hhhh’mmmptch River sneezes, muffled against Jamie’s mouth. He abruptly scrambles out from under Jamie’s weight his eyes growing wide in panic before his eyelids flutter shut.

“Ohh—Ohh fffuuuu—“

Hhh’TTXxt…Nnkt…’SsssTch…Hh’Hh’TttStch..Hh'TtStch...'TStch

When the fit concludes River launches into an apology his cheeks brightening with shame and embarrassment.

“I’m so sorry! Fuck! Why does this always happen to me? I had to go and ruin the mood like usual. I swear I didn’t—I wasn’t—“

Jamie pulls River back against him lying them down on the ground silencing him by gently pressing his lips to River’s. When he feels the tension ease from River’s body he says while trailing kisses all down River’s neck.

“This moment is everything Rivy, everything” he repeats for emphasis. “You could never ruin it.”

River releases a half relieved half sobbed sigh diving back in to kiss Jamie again. In between kisses he says “I wanted—I thought—I didn’t think I could ever have this, have you.” He finally manages to get out.

And that’s the crux of it isn’t it? Jamie's led River to believe that he couldn’t ever have him and Jamie believes that he can’t have River. They probably still shouldn’t be doing this given all the potential ramifications but now after this he can’t give it up, he can’t go back. More to the point, he doesn't want to, and the more he thinks about it why should he? He's found something that most people spend their entire lives searching for. He's found something powerful and real and sustaining with River. But how can it have really found him unless he steps out into the light? 

He thinks of his brothers words again and it slowly sinks in what he was really trying to say. At least, as it pertained to himself, he really had rolled over and accepted the injustice doing exactly what court officials and lawmakers, and law enforcers wanted. Jamie believed so surely that the only way to protect River was to keep them from being together that he hadn’t looked for a different way. He hadn’t given River the choice, he hadn’t allowed River to make an informed decision on his own. He hadn't given them both an opportunity to fight back against the exclusion, the injustice together, as a human/wolf couple in love. 

Moreover, while maybe they weren’t officially a couple they were basically all but one, Scott certainly assumed so, Jesse had suspected there was something going on between him and River, and they probably wouldn’t be the only people to think their relationship extended beyond platonic. Anyone who saw them interact outside of work would probably question what they were to each other. If it ever got out that Jamie is a wolf, River would almost certainly be targeted. For the law to be enforced and for them to be incarcerated, or worse, all that would be needed would be the perception of them being together whether it was true or not.

Despite Jamie’s best intentions to protect River, the truth was he was probably in danger regardless. As long as he didn’t cut River off completely, which he knew he could never do, River was at risk. All Jamie’s holding back and not giving in completely was doing at this point was making him an architect of his own and River’s misery.

Jamie could almost hear his brother’s snarky and smug variation of “I told you so” at this revelation.

Yeah, I know, Mr. Cool Cat, this is what you were telling me, but as you’ve also said I’m a stubborn fool who’s loyal and perhaps overly protective of the people I love. Sometimes that makes me a little blind. I still got here though and you can’t even take all the credit. Jamie mentally responds slotting that in his back pocket to use when Ty inevitably becomes insufferable about how right he was.

“Oh sunshine, you’ve had me pretty much since the first day we met.”

River curls into Jamie giving a contented little hum. Unconsciously Jamie runs his fingers through River’s hair. The couple of minutes of silence is broken by a shaky breath.

Hhh’Tsstch..Hhh’SssTch…SssTch…Hh’SssTch..Hh’SsTctch

“Bless you.” Jamie rummages through their packs pulling out a nasal spray and River’s prescription antihistamine that he used in the morning. “Here.”

“Thank you.”

River re-nestles himself into Jamie before saying. “So…..I’m not making demands here, I just would like to know what that means for us?”

Jamie’s protective instincts surge, the one’s that convince him that he and River can’t and shouldn’t be together. He takes a deep breathe, giving way to what he really wants, opening himself up to the chance. “Well, I’d—I’d like to be with you, in a relationship, like dating I mean. If umm, well if that’s something that you want….”

“Are you kidding me!? Of course I want that. I’ve been telling myself for weeks, months to accept anything you’ll give me because that’s better than nothing but what I’ve really wanted is all of you, to hear you say exactly what you just did. ” 

Jamie can’t help but smile. “Okay, that’s—I’m glad. I want to do this but there are things you need to know, things we should discuss that umm could change everything but I’m not ready to have that discussion just yet. I have some things I want to look into when we get back and I don’t really want to get into all of that out here and what it could mean. I just want to enjoy you now while we’re away but umm when we get back we can’t be public in fact it’s probably better that whatever we start here doesn’t continue when we get back, at least not until we talk. I know I’m being vague and I promise that I’ll tell you everything. I also know that I probably don’t have a right to ask you to accept this for a short period and to wait for me, but it’s what I can give right now. Is that, I mean can you be okay with that?”

“But you do want to be with me? I mean, you aren’t ashamed of being with me, because I’m a guy you know with uhhh guy parts?”

Jamie knows that he was silly to ever think he could live without having River completely. Everything about River is it for him. His thick dusty blonde and caramel tinted curls, his laughter and illuminating smile, especially the smile he reserves just for him, his sparkling eyes, his intoxicating scent, his effervescent personality, and vivacious enthusiasm, how comfortable Jamie feels with him. If Jamie could craft the perfect person for him out of thin air that person would still pale in comparison to River. 

“Oh Riv, never. I don’t care what you have going on in your pants what I care about is what I feel here.” Jamie presses his hand to his heart. “This is what matters, and what this tells me is that you’re everything to me. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel about you and I don't think I ever could feel for anyone else what I feel for you. And just so we’re clear, I’ve never been more attracted to anyone than how I'm attracted to you either. I—you—God Riv you’re so fucking beautiful it’s hard to be next to you sometimes and contain myself. I just want to be all over you. You light me up in ways I didn’t even think was possible. So no, I really don’t care that you’re a guy, I care that you’re you, that you’re River, my River.”

River peppers kisses all along his jawline. “Then I’ll wait forever for you. Just, I hope you don’t actually make me wait that long.”

“I won’t Riv, I promise.”

“Good, because after I’ve had you, I don’t know how I’ll ever really go back. It’s been hard enough without that.”

“I won’t ask you to go back. I only hope after a lay out everything you won’t want to.”

“Ohhh mysterious.”

“Complicated” Jamie corrects.

“So we’ll uncomplicate it, you’re the one turning it into an Avril Lavigne song.”

Jamie half-heartedly laughs.

“Seriously, Jam, whatever it is we’ll work through together. Unless you’re preparing to tell me you’re a murderer, terrorist, or rapist I can’t fathom any other reason why I wouldn’t want to be with you.”

“I think you might have left out a few other offenses.” Jamie jokes trying to turn to the tone of the conversation.

River laughs “I mean it. You once told me that I deserved to find someone who accepted me, all of me, mess and flaws and allergies included, someone that wouldn’t make me feel like I was less than I am. I have been scorned so many times I believed that such a person was a storybook character, not one I would ever meet. But, I found him when I’d least expected to after I’d basically resigned myself to being indefinitely alone. It’s you Jam. You’ve always accepted me, you’ve always seen me and known what I need without my having to say so. You enrich me. You also awaken things in me that I’ve never felt before, things that I wasn’t even aware were possible.”

Jamie’s insides warm.

“Just one thing—“

“What’s tha—ohh“ River is suddenly straddling Jamie.

“You really don’t care what’s in my pants?” He asks rolling his hips against Jamie. Angling his head so his mouth is against Jamie’s ear in a low teasing voice he says "Because I have it on good authority that you care very much."

Jamie flushes trying to choke back his groan. “Yy-you know what I meant.” He stutters.

River’s coquettish smirk is all confidence. “Just confirming where you stand, I wouldn’t want there to be any misunderstandings. That is what we agreed isn’t it? That we’d make sure we’d talk to avoid any confusion?”

“Oh I’m standing alright, I think that should clear up any misunderstanding.” Jamie retorts.

River chuckles. “You are a study in contrasts Jamie Alldridge.” He nips at his ear. “You’re all innocently beguiling and bashful, cutely unaware of how damn sexy you are, but you also have these moments of unrestrained assertive confidence and flirtatious playfulness. You’re willing to surrender but I can also tell that you have a dominant streak. You’re not confrontational but you’ll be the first to verbally throw down when someone is being stupid. It’s so alluring. I can’t wait to see and learn more about every side of you, even the ones I haven’t seen yet.”

Jamie is trembling putty, utterly dazzled and dazed by the man on top of him. “Want you to see all of me River Connelly.” He says all breathy before connecting his lips to River’s in a sweet chaste kiss. “And as tempting as it would be to stay here all day having you see just that.” He pauses winking so River catches the literal meaning of his statement. “We should get moving. If we get to camp early maybe I'll just let you see a bit more of me.”

River's lips quirk up brushing his finger along Jamie's red flushed cheeks. "Like I said, a study in contrasts. But I am a fan of what you're thinking. " 

***

They cover another 15km that day, setting up camp just before sun-set. River is fiddling with the film camera that Jamie had gotten him. “I know you don’t like having your picture taken but I want to try something would you indulge me, please?”

Jamie's stomach drops at the mere suggestion. It’s true he’s never been keen on having his photo taken. Not only is he camera shy but he always detests how he looks in photos. “For you, anything.”

River's face alights with a brilliant and pleased smile. “Okay stand right here.” He says gently guiding Jamie so his body is angled slightly, pressed up against a tree, snowcapped mountain peaks that are glowing with a peachy purple coming from the colors of the setting sun as the backdrop.  

It takes him a few minutes to get the tripod set up, adjusting the settings on the camera. He glances over at Jamie, setting the timer and clicking the shutter before racing over to jump into Jamie’s arms. Jamie catches him easy, even being taken by surprise from River’s actions, his hands landing on River’s thighs to hold them in place around Jamie’s waist.

River takes one of his palms cupping the side of Jamie’s face that's facing away from the camera diving in for a deep kiss their tongues rolling together in a slow entanglement of seduction. They continue to kiss long after the timer goes off and the photo is taken. Lips dragging against lips, bodies pressed tightly against in each other, sweet nips and gentle caresses complete with desperation for each other. River gently hits the back of Jamie’s knees sending them both tumbling into the soft fluffy snow bank that's gathered around the tree.

Jamie laughs good naturedly. “Well that was unexpected.”

“I wanted a picture of the two of us to commemorate our trip. I thought it would be more fun this way.”

“It’s certainly one way to get a candid shot.”

River’s lips curl up to a grin as he meets Jamie’s eyes.

“I’m so stupidly in love with your smile” he mutters, reaching up to run his thumb over River’s bottom lip. Tracking over to where River’s dimple is making an appearance. “This too.” The declaration makes River smile wider, Jamie’s finger sinking deeper into the little divet.

Jamie leans forward pressing his lips to River’s in a sweet and tender kiss. Gently almost as if River’s a glass antique capable of shattering in his hands, Jamie caresses the side of River’s face with the backside of his palm. Soft and tender it may be but still electric, enticing and thrilling, causing all of Jamie’s fantasies to surface. He can’t believe he finally gets to have River like this again and again. He thinks he’ll never tire of it.

“Thank you for indulging me.” River murmurs against Jamie’s lips as they come up for a breath.

“Anytime.” He brushes his nose against River’s.

“And don’t worry, I won’t develop it until after we’ve talked.”

“Thank you.” Jamie says grateful that River would be so understanding that Jamie wouldn’t even have to make this request.

As the sun continues to disappear behind the mountains the temperature begins to drop. Jamie helps River pack up his equipment and they head into the tent to conserve their heat. Unlike the previous night, they only set-up one tent, unspoken that they will share for the remainder of their trip. Jamie opens the zipper of his sleeping bag wide enough for River to slide his feet in, zipping it up as far it will go with the two of them, which admittedly is only just to their thighs. He takes River’s sleeping bag and cocoons River’s remaining exposed body in it.

“Are you comfortable, warm enough?” Jamie asks.

River, already half-way asleep, tired from the days expenditure on the snowy slopes mumbles an affirmative.

Jamie chuckles kissing the top of River’s head whispering a “Good night” before turning on his side falling into a deep sleep.

***

Hh’Txtk…XxT…Hh’XXkT..HGnTX

Jamie rolls over blinking awake to see River sitting up just before his body bends forward with 4 nearly silent sneezes.

“Bless you” Jamie says stroking River’s back comfortingly.

“Oh yyy—yyou’re Hh’XxKT…XxT—Ch..up—“

Hhh’SssTch..Hh’hh’Hh’TtStch…SssTchu...Hh’SSTch…Hh’Hh’SssTchu

“Ugh. Sorry for waking you. I was trying to be quiet. I just finished taking some medication so this hopefully should subside pretty quickly."

Jamie had been pleasantly surprised that River taking the dose of medication in the morning yesterday did seem to quell any extended fits even with him being literally all over Jamie. He had rather expected River to be sneezing far more frequently and more intensely than he was. Not shifting in 7 months really was working wonders Jamie marvels. Perhaps all the additional layers and hat he kept on his head was helping too. Either way he was really glad, for his unfortunate ability to send River into an allergic fitful mess was one of the things he had been agonizing over whenever he thought of their trip.

"Innnn th—the mm—mean tttiiimmmee—" 

Hhh'SssTch....SssTchu..Hh'Hhh'TtSsstch...Hhh'SsTchu

Well obviously, Jamie’s existence triggering River’s allergies hadn't completely gone away, after a night of sleeping next to him he supposed that was to be expected, but still, at least his fits seemed to be more contained and he wasn't completely ruining River's ability to enjoy this trip.

"Bless you and don't worry, you didn’t wake me up, it was just my body’s natural time to get up.” Jamie checks his clock. 6:07AM “Besides this is practically sleeping in by my standards.”

River half chuckles half groans burrowing his face into his pillow. “Still too early.”

“We don’t have to get going just yet.” Jamie says “We could….” His cheeks burn as he trails off leaving the sentence unfinished.

River’s eyes flash with a hint of mirth. “We could what?”

Jamie turns even more crimson but rather than shying away, leaving River to make the first move, he grabs a handful of River’s shirt yanking him into him. River’s surprised gasp is cut short as Jamie’s lips hungrily meet his. They tumble to the ground a tangling of limbs, Jamie pinning River.

There’s a new, wild, almost feral desperation in the way Jamie is kissing and touching River. All the months of pent up longing and desire finally unleashed, in the headiest displays of possessive passion. His hands roam over River claiming, coming to rest on his hips his thumbs digging into the v cut of his abs. He pulls on River’s bottom lip with his teeth, licking into his mouth while he does so. A low rumbly throat sound erupts from Jamie as he anchors one hand by River’s head and forcefully thrusts his hips down against River. 

River bucks up in response. “Jesus fuck Jam.” He says panting. “So hot. So—” Whatever he was going to say dies in his mouth coming out as a moan as Jamie begins licking the skin just behind his earlobe.

Low moans, soft grunts, and half formed words flow out of River, his body writhing as Jamie’s mouth continues to explore and lay claim to every inch. He’s only gotten as low as River’s throat when River stifles a desperate long winded moan into Jamie’s shoulder before he feels teeth sink into the tendon on the side of his neck just above where the two; his neck and shoulder meet.

There’s a heavy dull pulsing ache and then Jamie sees white, his brain short-circuiting from the fierce pleasure. He thinks he hears himself cry out but it’s almost like he’s having an out of body experience, only vaguely aware of his actions. He feels something coiling tight in his abdomen an invisible tether tying him and River. Suddenly awareness seeps into his brain, coming back to himself to find his mouth suckling on River’s neck, teeth grazing the creamy skin, about to take their own plunge.

“Stop!” He frantically says gently but forcefully shoving River off him, scrambling to the other side of the tent. River’s hair is mussed, cheeks flushed, eyes glassy, lips kiss swollen and red. It’s a mouthwatering image but the panic of what just happened settles into Jamie “Jesus River, you—you can’t DO that!” He touches his palm to his neck and sure enough when he pulls it away he sees dots of blood.

River's eye clear. “I—I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?" His voice is shaky, his brow furrowing in confusion and remorse.

“No—that’s not, it isn’t—you just can’t do that.....Oh God, this was a mistake.” Jamie’s bordering hysterical now. He quickly slips on his boots and with tremoring hands he gets the zipper to the tent door undone and scrambles outside.

Jamie’s cooking breakfast when River comes out of the tent 10 minutes later. He looks like he wants to talk but Jamie isn’t prepared to face that right now, still reeling from the occurrence in the tent.

“We should get going.” he says passing him the instant backpacking oatmeal he's prepared, moving away to dissemble the tent, before River gets a chance to speak hoping he recognizes the statement for what it is: they aren’t talking about earlier.

River gives a tentative nod but doesn’t say anything seeming to understand. 

They hike in silence for several kilometers. River keeps throwing him these little worried, hurt, and sorrowful glances and Jamie can smell the anxiousness rolling off of him and he hates that he's the cause of it.

Now that Jamie’s recovered from the initial shock, regret and shame passes through him, he hadn’t meant to react so strongly but what River had done, what it could have resulted in—Jamie pushes that thought away. He can worry about that later. Right now he has to ease River’s concerns and make things right. He isn’t going to let himself ruin what he’s just allowed himself to have with River. He comes up beside him entwining his fingers in River’s.

River glances at Jamie in surprise, his apprehensive eyes meeting his own.

Softly Jamie says “I’m sorry I freaked out earlier. I lost my head a little and reacted harshly. Just, please don’t bite me like that again.”

River nods his eyes sad. “I didn’t mean to mess everything up. I’m a little ashamed of myself to be honest. I’ve never done anything like that before and certainly not without expressed consent. I genuinely don’t know what came over me, or I guess maybe I do, I’ve wanted to do that for what feels like ever but I didn’t mean to go so hard. That’s no excuse, I shouldn’t have done without asking you if it was okay first. I crossed a boundary and I feel horrible.”

“I wish you wouldn’t, feel horrible that is. We both got a little caught up in the moment.” Jamie says opening his arms in invitation for River to hug him if he wants. Instantly River’s body is pressed against his. Jamie wraps his arms around River. It’s a little awkward with all their gear on but it still feels nice. Trying to lighten the mood he adds “I mean I get it, I am edibly enticing and impossible to resist.”

River let’s out a surprised laugh. “I know you mean that as a joke, but you have no idea how true that is. I don’t even know how to fully express it but I’m inexplicably drawn to you. More than I’ve ever been with anyone." 

Jamie leans in close his lips lightly brushing over River's. "I don't see that as a bad thing. It actually works quite well for me."

River hums sweetly pressing into Jamie's caress with the lightest of pressure. "I just don’t want you to think this" He gestures between the two of them "that being with me is a mistake.”

Jamie’s words come back to him and he cringes. “I don’t Rivy, you could never be a mistake. I wasn't expecting uhhh that and was a bit shocked, what I said was blindly reactionary. It's me who might be one, for you and I want you to have the choice to get away from me if you—if you want.”

Laced with adoration and tenderness River says “The only mistake I could ever make is walking away from you Jam. I know you have your secrets and you think once I know them I won’t want to be with you. But I don’t need to know all your secrets to know that you’re the most exceptional person I’ve ever met. I don’t need to know your secrets to know that I love you, truly, deeply and without conditions. Whatever you have to tell me isn’t changing those fundamental truths.”

Jamie’s hit with his second shock bomb of the day. He thinks he knew that River loved him. But conceptually knowing it and hearing it directly are very different things. Overwhelmed he takes River's lips into his in kiss that's surging with emotion, hoping that he translates everything his brain is too fuddled to say in the present moment.

River's knees buckle bringing literal meaning to the expression going weak in the knees. "Easy sunshine. I got you." Jamie whispers using his weight to keep him upright, steadying River wrapping his arms around his waist. River gives another sweet contented hum pulling back his eyes linger shut for several seconds before fluttering open his face a picture of rapture.

He clears his throat. “Come on, we’re burning daylight. When we set up camp tonight we can pick up where we left off, sans my losing all control and mauling your neck. Things were just getting good.” Adding a flirty little wink.

Jamie chuckles. “You’re incorrigible.”

“It’s my middle name sweetheart and don’t you forget it.”  

As they continue to hike Jamie gets lost in thought. River bit him, not just any bite, a mating bite. It was witless and naïve of Jamie to start something with River without him knowing the whole truth about his identity. A mating bite was the equivalent of a marriage ceremony in wolf terms. River had nearly unknowingly tied himself to Jamie for life and while he stated that he wanted to be with him no matter what, despite not knowing everything about Jamie, that didn't necessarily mean he was ready to sign away his devoted lifelong commitment just yet and he should make *that* decision with all the facts.

Jamie had luckily, even if only barely, managed to restrain himself from returning the bite which would have solidified them as bonded mates, at least in his wolf’s mind but that’s what made it so bad. He almost hadn’t, his animal instincts taking over, operating on pure desire and mating season hormonal emotion.

Everything Jamie and River have been doing the past few days could be seen as part of mating courting ritual, all precursors to actually mating, in the wolf sense. If they continued this way, and if that happened again, Jamie might not have the presence of mind to stop himself.

I’ve wanted to do that for what feels like ever.

Jamie can’t get that statement out of his head. Among all his musings he keeps coming back to it. River had wanted to bite him or bite him there specifically since forever? Jamie knew that biting during sexual intimacy wasn’t entirely uncommon for humans but still it was curious especially given how and where River had bitten him. It was almost like he was sub-consciously aware of the significance. That combined with the statements that he’d never had the urge to do that before and that he was drawn to Jamie it was almost like—  

Jamie's torn from his thoughts by a sudden unease that courses through his body. Coming to the present he scents the air picking up a distinct smell. He assesses the surroundings seeing that he has fallen behind and River is some several hundred meters ahead of him taking pictures of a hollow that’s been formed by a couple fallen tree roots. Though surrounded by snow, what’s visible of the roots perfectly frames a mountain peak in the background. It’s just the type of artistic shot that would appeal to River but the setting is not what it appears to be.

“River” Jamie calls out not wanting to yell but with an urgent undertone. It’s not loud enough. He’s too far away and River is too preoccupied to pay any head to what he’s actually stumbled upon.

Jamie picks up his pace his heart starting to race. He’s still too far away when a grizzly pokes its head out from the fallen snow. At the sight of River it begins to fully emerge from its hibernation den, disturbed by River's presence so close to the entryway.

Jamie watches in what feels like slow motion horror. He can smell River’s bubbling fear but also the bear’s aggressive annoyance at it's sleep being disrupted. 

River jolts at the sight of the advancing bear that has now risen on it's haunches menacingly before pounding it's front paws into the ground multiple times. River slowly backs away talking calmly while carefully reaching with one hand for his bear spray that’s clipped to his backpack but before he can unholster it and unclip the bottle the bear charges, and Jamie knows from the bear's head and ear position it's not a bluff charge, it fully intends to attack River. 

River seems to sense this too, his scent igniting with sheer terror, but he assumes a defensive position, falling flat to the ground, covering his head and neck with his arms that are thankfully covered in his thick winter parka and his pack on his back though Jamie’s well aware that neither of those will really serve much of a barrier to the assault of a grizzly’s mouth.

Without a second thought, Jamie shifts, bolting the rest of the distance to River and at the last second intercepts the attack.

~TBC~ 

Additional Author Notes: 

Chapter Title comes from the song "The Wolf" by Mumford and Sons

 

Edited September 20, 2023 by Not Telling
Changed Chapter number. Numbers got misaligned, had multiple chapters listed as the same number.

[dwaekki]

THAT ENDING?!?! I'm not gonna be able to wait for more 😭. Poor River really doesn't have much luck haha, hopefully Jamie can help him to feel a bit less insecure soon. I could almost feel the tension when reading this chapter and Jamie's inner dialogue is so conflicting 🥲 i have no idea what gonna happen now with the bear! I hope you update soon, thank you for the sneezing amongst the suspense, and for Jamie's little sneeze at the start, I can imagine him being a really cute sneezer behind his tough image. Looking forward to reading more, thank you! ❤️

[funbusej]

Well, that's one way for River to find out...😏

[ichixshiro14]

Omgggg, I am in awe of your writing prowess!! 💥🤯👏 I've been on here over a decade and this is probably top 3 of my favorite stories I've read, thanks for the update!!

[Privatedancer]

OMG - I did not see this coming…can’t wait for the next part - what a great chapter - so happy to see them finally together!

[Alabaster]

I always have to read your chapters twice because the first time I’m just like devouring it, trying to see what comes next - and THEN I go back to appreciate all the complexity of what you’re doing. UGH LOVE it and always want more.

[thesneezyowl]

Ahhhhh! I love that on instinct he shifted to save River!!! I am DYYYYING for the next part. And how has Riv wanted to bite him there for so long? It’s as if he can feel the mating bond also. Must wait patiently. MUST. WAIT. PATIENTLY. FOR. NEXT. PART. 

[HPG]

On 9/3/2023 at 2:10 AM, Not Telling said:

Jamie’s cheeks darken. Ordinarily that was the case, these were play sneezes, a wolf oddity, meant to communicate excitement and that his behavior was strictly playful and not threatening.

Omfg I LOVE the play sneezes. That is so fantastic.

And yassss, Jamie transitioning! I can't wait to see River's reaction.